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The first Bethenny-less season of The Real Housewives of New York City finally came sputtering to an end- coasting on flimsy hopes and raw inertia ‘til the bitter, dusty end with Andy Cohen selling what’s left of it for scraps. It was a season of false promises, false reconciliations, and of course – false friendships, but never (wink,wink) false dramas. There were feuds, middle eastern nightmares, thugs in cocktail dresses, dueling sweet sixteens and dueling (un)fabulous forty-year-olds (and one pinot-sodden fifty-year-old), musical ineptitude galore, and Jill Zarin remaining the same old Jill Zarin – filled with a plethora of advice, snarkitude, and red-headed fury; proving that she alone will drive this jalopy ‘til it drives no more. Go, Jill, Go!

The Season Finale begins with The Countess speaking (“Chic, C’est La Vie! Si bon! Si bon!”) to her music producer – naturally they are discussing what a runaway success her song Chic, C’est La Vie will become. Chris surprises LuAnn with a friend of his, who just happened to stop by – a friend who just happens to be Natalie King Cole.

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On last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s a very special holiday – Trashymas! I’m sure everyone got many, many lumps of coal. Jacqueline got one in the form of Ashely, Teresa received one in the form of Kim G, Melissa and Kathy received one in the form of Teresa, and The Caroline – well, she got diamonds. Lucky girl.

At the Giudices, they are decorating the hugest Christmas tree ever, but sadly it’s not made of money. Teresa wants us to know that because of the bankruptcy they only got a tree decorated in semi-precious metal and not the one made entirely of gold. D’ya hear that bankruptcy judge – they’re cutting back. If cutting back means driving a Benz and wearing Louboutins then I can only hope to cut back some day! Teresa also wants us to know that all she wants for Christmas is for Melissa’s bad energy to go away. ‘Cause, it gives her a headache.

Melissa is not happy because she just wants an authentic smelling tree for Christmas AND Jesus’ Birthday (which are NOT one and the same, apparently) as she is throwing Jesus like the best birthday party ever. Joey and Melissa discuss their concerns about Jr. Mafia not mixing well with others at their party since he is like totally responsible for the Christening incident. Uh huh. Joey Giudice totally caused the entire thing. Joey G-to-the-Orga and Teresa and Melissa and her sisters had nothing to do with it. Nothing. At. All. Uh huh. We learn Melissa’s hoping to be cast next season sister, Lyssa claims Joe G-to-the-Iudice’s mother punched her in the face at said Christening. Is that where Joe gets it from? Melissa makes it clear NOTHING is going to ruin Jesus’ party!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, it’s Merry Jersey-mas! Jacqueline hosts another Gorgadice Reunion, Teresa gets rowdy in court, Melissa gets a record contract, The Caroline‘s daughter has some issues letting go, and Kathy makes more plans to open a restaurant.

Things start out with preparations for Jacqueline’s holiday party/Gorgadice reunion. In the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard Ashley (yes ASHLEY!) counsels Jacqueline to stay out of Gorgadice drama. Um… can someone please counsel Ashley on how her orange spray tan is atrocious? Please, someone? She looks like a Snork with her bright orange face and high ponytail.

At the Manzo’s Santa is bringing patience and cheer and bitchy sisters. Poor Lauren is left out of Manzo sibling bonding since the boys have moved out. Farewell Ham Game! Oh, Lauren – she has officially become The Caroline, Jr – storming around and telling everyone what to do. Albie says one positive about living with Greg is that Greg won’t end up dating Lauren… Oh, really? Is it because he may end up dating Albie? I kid, I kid… After discovering a mouse has eaten the plastic Santa, the Manzos play Mariah Carey’s Christmas album, buy two all-feather Christmas trees, call Cher and Chris March and invite them to their annual Christmas drag show starring Joey G-to- the-Orga! Actually I made that last part up, but wouldn’t it be a lot more fun than watching the Manzos bicker about nothing again?!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey, Teresa and Melissa vow to put the past behind them but just can’t, Jacqueline has a few too many red wines, Caroline gets her panties in a bunch and isn’t any fun, Kathy wants to open a restaurant, and Teresa invites her Made For TV Family to The Catskills for some old fashioned gun shootin, four-wheelin, TMI sex talk,wine-guzzling fun! Did I mention the TMI sex talk?

Ending where things left off last week, Melissa and Teresa are disagreeing about the Gorga Family Feud. Melissa comes out swinging by essentially blaming Teresa for the “disgusting” Christening debacle and insisting Teresa is never around and never sees their kids. Seriously. And suddenly it becomes all about the Joes and which Joe owes more money to which creditors. In the tit for tat convo, Teresa brings up Joe owing money to some plumbers and Melissa responds with a savage blow when she declares that Jr. Mafia Joe borrowed money from Non-Juicy, but when her hubby tried to collect on his debts Joe told Joe: “If you want your money sue me!” Melissa is confused and wants to know why her fellow shopaholic housewife just can’t skip a pair of Manolos to pay back the loan: “just pay me the $1000 – your wife is wearing more than that on her feet!” Duh!

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey it was all about Family Feuds (which sadly did not include the game show). Teresa behaves appropriately, Kathy just wants to be liked, The Caroline discovered a new medium for interfering in people’s lives, and Jacqueline helped broker the Gorga Peace Treaty.

The episode started out with The Caroline preparing for her big radio debut by using her friend Dolores to act as a Teresa-imposter so she can “practice” administering advice for “Caroline Rules” her new show on New Jersey 101.5. For some reason The Caroline is nervous about being her bossy self in public, despite spending a couple seasons on a reality show doing just that! Caroline brings up Teresa’s bankruptcy judgment and pending auction – describing that her friend has a lot on her plate and things are out of control in her life.

In the Gorga household, Alexis 2.0 Jersey Jesus Midge (Barbie’s brunette friend!) is thanking Jesus that peace is being made today between Teresa and Non-Juicy Joe, as she helps her husband untuck his shirt just so to avoid looking messy. Meanwhile in Foreclosed Marble Mansion-Land (aka the Giudice residence) Teresa is also getting ready and announces that Joe needs to do something about Melissa because she is leading their family down a crooked road with all of her poison! Ummm… I thought poison was something used to make babies according to Joe Gorga? Teresa declares: “A wife makes it or a wife breaks it” and therefore it is Joe’s responsibility to put Melissa in check! Is it also Jr Mafia’s responsibility to put Teresa in check – because frankly I don’t think that’s possible (see: Bankruptcy spending.) After adjusting his cross and refolding his letter from Teresa, Joe is off to demand an apology from his sister, the villainess.

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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey they celebrated Halloween with some serious drama and some serious fashion. The annual Posche Trashion show is back with Teresa, Jacqueline, and Melissa as models, Caroline puts her foot down on family drama, Kathy tries an unsuccessful Gorga mediation. Oh and The Kims re-emerge!

The show started on a happy note with Teresa and her Made For TV family, Caroline and Jacqueline getting together with their kids to carve Jack-o-lanterns with Danielle’s face on them. Scary! Naturally they begin talking about the Christening Day Masacre, and all the kids are pushed aside somewhere so the ladies can dish. While Teresa is telling the story of how push came to shove came to insanity, Caroline is standing there, arms crossed, giving the hairy eyeball and reminding Teresa that it’s her family, and family’s first – so she better fix things, because after all, the Posche Fashion Show is happening. Frankly, I’m shocked anyone would invite Teresa after last years “incidents,” but hey, The Kims love them some dramz! Tersea puts Caroline in her place by declaring she doesn’t need any advice from mommy dearest, because she is the matriarch of her family and knows just how to manipulate handle them.

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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New York City was all about vaginas, vacations, and Pinot… again. Jill Zarin is hosting an anti-bullying fundraiser, and while guests are paying $200 to attend, the irony of Jill championing this event is priceless. Kelly accidentally sees Sonja’s ladybits, Cindy takes her good friends on a “brunettes only” weekend, New Housewife Pinot Grigio high-jacks Jill’s charity event, and sweet LuAnn just wants everyone to get along, dammit!

The episode begins with LuAnn and Sun-yah meeting for lunch to discuss a girls trip. LuAnn is planning to “break the tension” between the ladies. Since this is a classy restaurant, Sonja, predictably arrives straight from the gym with a fur thrown over her sports bra. Sonja states she wants to go to Italy for Truffle Season (that’s a thing?) because “everyone will be there!” Everyone except the NY Housewives, that is, because LuAnn is just so over Italy and wants to vacation somewhere exotic. Somewhere like Morocco, which is the Paris of the Middle East, didn’t you know? Bravo, desperate to capitalize on a repeat of Scary Island, decides Luann must “invite” all the ladies, but LuAnn has some reservations about Kelly being included because no one wants “Scary Desert” on the horizon. Well, no one but Bravo, because ratings are everything dah-ling, so Kelly is IN!

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This episode of Real Housewives of New York City was scattered, hard to follow, and all over the place – so the writing is reflective of how difficult it is to connect the plot points. The episode, which Bravo dubbed “Ramona’d” was all about Ramona Singer unleashing her Pinot Personality and letting her cray-cray take over, I call that Cramona. Crazy Ramona. We’ve seen it before from Mrs. Mario Singer – however not like this, but lets start out the recapping by focusing on another lady who is losing her marbles and a different one who is losing her teeth. Sonja Morgan and Cindy Barshop take it away!

Replacing Jill Zarin this season as Empress of the frienemies, Sonja agreed to trek all the long way downtown to TriBeCa and meet Cindy for some shopping and designer schmoozing at Vivienne Tam and then lunch at Cipriani. Unfortunately, when Sonja arrived Cindy had some news: after having a few too many Martinis at Ramona’s event the previous night, she devoured a bunch of pistachios and the veneers on her two front teeth fell off! A likely story if I’ve ever heard one –I personally think she took a drunken tumble after all those martinis. It happens to the best of us. :-) The ladies proceed into the store where Cindy actually pulls out the broken front teeth, which she has brought with her in a Ziplock baggie along with an accompanying tube of Fixadent. While in Vivienne Tam Cindy, asks Sonja to help her put her teeth back in. Yuck. Sonja is understandably grossed out! Who wants to eat lunch after all that? Sonja still does, actually.

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