Aaaahhh… Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. There comes a time in every recappers tenure when she is just beyond blown away by what appeared before them on the screen. And taking one's mother-in-law to Hustler and grinding on them has knocked me over.
Carlton Gebbia takes her hubby David along with her mother-in-law to Hustler to choose lingerie for her "playroom". Listen – I mean the storyline is gross as is, but you couldn't pick a classier place than Hustler?
Carlton is like thongs – no big – my mum-in-law has pulled babies out my vagina. Then she proceeds to educate MIL on what "DTF" means and huffs the F— word in the ladies face like she's going to vampire her. This is a preclude to the main event where Carlton puts on a teeny-tiny bikini and drops it like it's hot on her MIL's lap. Apparently her MIL accepts Carlton because David loves her. David needs inpatient therapy.
Yolanda Foster's former husband Mohamed Hadid couldn't bear the thought of Lisa's remaining swan feeling lonely in its pond, so he bought it another companion. Lisa was clearly thrilled, but no one was more excited than Giggy!
Joyce starts off on Yolanda's dinner party, "At the very beginning of the episode we see Yolanda saying "I'm almost 50 years old. We don't do teams. She then adds: "We are not in high school." Wouldn't it be great if she could keep her word. . . Yolanda says she wanted to go out of her way to make her dinner beautiful — and she did prepare a dinner with fantastic food, a stunning setting, and excellent performers." She circles back to these words later in her blog.
Yolanda Foster is planning a dinner party to honor HER KING. It's David-galore and all about David. I wonder what flowers David likes? Probably the ones that bloom in his presence – he is quite miraculous that way!
On the other side of town in a poor, sad subdivision where normal people who don't have houses built on a foundation of Grammy awards and or a fridge made of diamonds spun from the hair of virgin, albino Persian cats, Brandi is searching for her poor lost dog Chica. Awww… poor Chica. While Brandi annoys the bejesus out of me – and adding to that annoyance is the presence of Kyle in a pirate-themed Kaftan from Kylene By Too Many Kraptans - I totally understand the loss of a pet.
Oh Kyle Richards, I love watching you on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Sometimes I even feel for you even when I don't want to…can any of our readers relate? Of course, just when I start to feel sympathy for Spilts, she starts playing the victim card…yet again. Give it a rest already! We get it, we get it. Yolanda Foster and Lisa Vanderpump are mean girls. Brandi Glanville is an absolute mess (preach!). Carlton Gebbia is mean to you for no good reason. I agree on almost all counts (I still heart Lisa though)! But still, stop playing your tiny little violin!
Taking to her Bravo blog, Kyle recaps Monday's crazy episode. She begins, "These past two episodes have been very upsetting to watch. I had been so stressed with everything going on that all the negativity with the women was proving to be too much for me. I wanted to get away to have fun and it was impossible with all the mean attacks going on. Although Brandi and I are not close friends, I still consider her a friend. When we are together without Lisa and Yolanda, we get along and laugh. It's as though she becomes a different person in front of them," adding, "I could not win."
Things begin with Dinner Party From Hell 8.0. Kyle Richards and Yolanda Foster are agreeing to disagree by disagreeing when Brandi Glanville stares Kyle down with an unfocused glare and some threatening, slurry words about how she could say a lot of bad things about Kyle. Bad, bad things. Like for real mean stuff.
Lisa Vanderpump warns her to knock it off, but "know this" Brandi sees things. Weren't you just waiting for her to whip out that electronic cigarette?! Brandi was a wreck and needs: blotting papers, powder, detox, a nap, water, psych drugs, to get off my TV.