Last night on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills there was an intervention, the reveal of Ken Todd's secret life, and one incredibly boring trip to Paris which consisted of standing on a balcony in bad cocktail dresses speculating over whether or not Kim Richards was jet-lagged or relapsing.
Things begin at Kyle Richards' house where we are treated to the full scope of her sitting room. I certainly hope she isn't paying Faye Resnick for her design services because tacked onto the white walls are dead turtle shells. In other accents Kyle had American flag pillows strewn around her sectional. #Refund. Anyway, Kim loves this room. She just loves this room. Apparently in her house there is no place to sit down. She should hire Faye. Or you know, buy a couch! Craigslist, baby.
Segue: can you imagine how awesome the BH Craigslist offerings must be?
Anyway, one thing Kim isn't happy about, besides her lack of seating space, is Taylor Armstrong's behavior. After Taylor got drunk and took off with a married man whose private jet she's in love with and ditched her daughter with the nanny and Kyle, Kim is convinced Taylor has a little problem with the old Chardonnay. Something about Taylor slurring 'Keeedeeeee's with youse, Kow. I thought eye left er at ome with the burlr larm?' tipped her off to the problem.
Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls is slated to begin filming as early as April, but the cast is still completely up in the air with contracts not extended. Brandi Glanville co-signed no one has been officially confirmed (I think it's safe to say Brandi is a shoe-in).
“The only cast members guaranteed to come back for the fourth season of the smash hit reality franchise are Brandi andLisa Vanderpump," their source reveals. "The other ladies, including, Kim and Kyle Richards, and Yolanda Foster are also on the chopping block."
I think Yolanda, who has been a success with fans and is definitely representative of the lifestyle, will return. And although she annoys the living daylights out of me, I cannot imagine Kyle leaving the show!
So where do we begin with this mess of a show that is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? It was just a blur of white noise. Splits Richards decided there hadn't been enough drama as of late so she decided to host her annual White Party. I mean screw P Diddy and Cannes, this is THE event of the season. Bust out your white swim suit cover-ups, get ready to twirl your hair round your head like a helicopter (one of these days Kyle is going to take off!), and then go threaten to sue your friends! Open bar on the left.
In other happenings,Kim Richards got a nose job. I mean, what else has she got to do? Kim's nose job – not big news in the real BH, I imagine, but in the RHOBH it's cause for celebration. And why not? Kim has never entertained anyone not even us on this show so perhaps it's time for her to do some party hosting. Isn't that what these broads do with their spare time when they're not hiring lawyers because their girlfriends talk shit about them?
So anyway, Kim's having a re-done nose party (I hope she got a ton of cards that said: 'Congratulations on your re-done nose!'). She has this sweet little coffee bar set up and she's rocking a Mrs. Roper mumu as she swans around the pool. It was all very seventies. I've noticed a lot of what Splits and Kim do is circa seventies (hello… THE White Party, y'all!).
Speaking of Splits, she shows up towing along two adorable little girls and one orangey blob in a scarecrow wig. Yeah, Faye Resnick was there, but by the blessed gods of Bravo she barely spoke and stayed mainly off camera. Perhaps they wanted to keep the party focused on decent plastic surgery.
Oh sweet Jesus is there really more back and forth between Brandi Glanville and Adrienne Maloof? Yes – of course! While that mess is still ongoing it seems Brandi is willing to put one acrimonious feud behind her!
And one person who is totally in agreement with that idea is friend (and support system) Yolanda Foster! “I made Brandi promise me this week that once her book tour is over she will never say her name again,” Yolanda shared with Perez Hilton. “At some point you need to move on. There’s children involved, so hopefully she can keep her word.”
Yolanda, you and me both. If I ever have to hear LeAnn Rimes' name again, I may turn to drinking and tweeting!
And this season, Taylor is taking a decidedly different stance! Hoping to earn brownie points with Lisa, perhaps? Trying desperately to gain some fan support? Absolutely! Taylor is as fairweather a person as you're ever gonna find. I mean how did she suddenly become Brandi Glanville's biggest fan?
In her Bravo blog, Taylor accuses Adrienne of lying about agreeing to be daughter Kennedy's godmother. Isn't it ironic that Taylor is getting tired of someone's lies. I can totally relate…
Well if ever there was a reason to recklessly abandon tea and convert to coffee, last night's episode of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was it! Does tea just bring out the worst behavior in everyone – or is that wine? Or is it actually just that 3/4 of the people on this show are hideous specimens of humanity?
So Lisa Vanderpump tried to make amends last night. She took all her fancy British etiquette and tried to apply it to unscrupulous famewhores. Logic fail! She began with Splits Richards, whom Lisa had always believed to be a fun person, a friend, but underneath all Kyle's layers of caftans and hair lie a woman possessed. Possessed with the desire to be important and relevant – and most importantly famous. Enter Reality TV.
Then Lisa tried with Adrienne Maloof who was let out of the cryogenic freezer before her face fully thawed to socialize with the ladies. Adrienne's equally unappealing friend (and Kyle's Doppelganger) Faye Resnick was also hauled out for the unappetizing occasion. More on that thoughtless and repulsive decision later.
Tonight Lisa Vanderpump will finally sit Splits Richards down and explain a little thing called friendship to her. It goes like this: have friend, be loyal. Have friend: defend her in unpleasant situations. Have friend: do not plan to conspiratorially gang-up on her during a Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls reunion. I hope Splits gets it.
With their crumbling friendship finally being addressed on last week's episode and Lisa wondering why on earth Kyle is willing to defend everyone else (like her nemesis Adrienne Maloof), but never her, both ladies took to their Bravo blogs to share.
"I don't agree with Kyle's interpretation of the conversation 'Lisa and Camille [Grammer] got into it.' Umm no we didn't. Camille threw unwarranted accusations out of nowhere, stating that I was just the face of my business. . .," LIsa begins.