On last night’s episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County, Alexis and Peggy quit each other and Peggy quit the show! We learned more about Heather and well, she’s very confident (and wealthy), isn’t she? Vicki and Tamra haul their boyfriends to Catalina where they proceed to embarrass themselves on national TV with a PDA orgy. Aaaahhh… The C in OC, certainly doesn’t stand for class, does it?
Things begin at Vicki‘s Cajun-themed dinner party where Peggy and Alexis face off over who is the boobiest, dumbest, and has the worst broken bone story! They tepidly make nice as they try to size each other up while peering over their enormous fake racks.
Apparently Peggy wanted to tell Alexis about her very vintage Jim experience, but Jim made her swear not to. When it was unearthed, Jim accused Peggy of stalking him and breaking into his house. Alexis being Alexis, decided it was exclusively Peggy’s fault that her husband didn’t deign to tell her about their fifteen year old relationship. Why wouldn’t Jim tell her from the get go and then they could laugh about it amongst friends? I sincerely doubt either Jim or Peggy wants to rekindle things.
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In fairness to Alexis, it’s a difficult situation. And someone has to take the heat – it’s easier to blame your friend than your husband. Poor Alexis was left feeling like more a fool than usual. When you marry for money, you earn every cent
of credit card debt and forclosure!
After the awkward exchange, Peggy skitters away to emotionally eat with oddly rodent-y Sarah. Perhaps Sarah has no food at home and that’s why she is stealing it from Viks‘ kitchen? Vicki fills the girls in on her divorce, she and Donn communicate entirely via email while living in the same house. Apparently he is quite the ladies man! LLCD – Ladies Love Cool Donn!
Gretchen and Tamra advertise their new found friendship by fighting to stuff the same ol’ oyster in their mouths. Creepster. These girls bond in some funny ways. And Tams has never eaten an oyster? Vicki is wondering when all this friendsy crap happened and why no one informed her – because she’s in charge of everything!
Heather finally makes her presence known as more than the classy brunette in appropriate attire, when Sarah tells the story of her maybe, possibly, perhaps, not really engagement. Sarah got an “informal” proposal sans ring. Heather sets her straight – no monetary commitment, no engagement. Heather then regales the girls with her own engagement story, leaving them all speechless and bitterly gulping back their jealousy. Oh, the faces of Gretch and Lex.
Heather shows off her massive – as in bigger than Alexis’ boobs massive – push present. Heather explains she is married to a PS (plastic surgeon) and guess what – it’s an investment in her future! I knew she used that line ovah and ovah again! Heather is getting off on the wrong designer clad foot! Doesn’t she know she has to pretend to be trashy, crass, and broke to get in good with these biatches?
Vicki employs her version of Southern Hospitality by lecturing her guests and demanding they not fight – then she makes snide comments about Tammy Sue sitting next to Gretchy Poo. Trying to deflect from their burgeoning secret love affair, Tamra briefly reverts to her old accusatory ways by insisting Gretchen got her lips done. Um… duh… it’s only the miraculous results of Gretchen Christine Bootay Lip Plumper! Gretchen is upset that Tamra is pointing out the obvious, and states that you can’t take the trailer out of the trash. You also can’t take the Gretchen out of the dumb!
Dinner culminates with plastic bibs and trash bags full of food. No one is willing to dumpster dive for their supper and all the ladies make a big stinkin’ deal about how they’re not eating Vicki‘s food. We all know Alexis doesn’t eat anything scary, cause it makes her gag. I’ll let the obvious joke about Jim pass…
Speaking of gagging, Gretchen demonstrates eating crawfish with some disgusting tongue moves that have scarred me for life. Vicki is appalled by the poor manners of her guests, who are refusing to lighten up and try anything for fear of smudging their make-up. Vicki basically orders them away from the table, demands that they eat dessert, and go. Things turn awkward as Peggy and Alexis start passive aggressively sniping at each other.
Alexis decides to bail and Peggy breaks down into tears. Vicki and Tamra, surprisingly and maturely, counsel Peggy to try and consider things from Alexis’ point of view; they encourage Peggy to try and talk to Lex before she leaves. Alexis refuses to get into a conversation about their friendship, citing it’s Vicki’s party and they have both had some wine. Am I watching the right show? Both ladies agree to disagree that their friendship is null and void. Heather brings out the best in these girls!
According to Peggy no one can reason with Alexis because she is influenced by her toxic environment aka Jesus Jim, King of Her Heart. Apparently everyone in their (now former) friend circle feels Alexis has changed because of Jim’s manipulative and demanding ways. Vicki astutely points out that if Jim is such a good Christian man, with a dedication to honesty, he would have been truthful with his wife. Except we all know Jim’s about as true as a six dollar bill! And Lex is as dumb as a box of rocks. Delusional and dishonest does not a good combination make!
Peggy claims the anxiety of continuing on this show is too much for her, and she is removing herself from the cast. Good for her going out with class and leaving this trainwreck behind her.
We get a tour of Heather‘s house. This place is massive, enormous, and straight out of RHOBH! They can’t fit another bedroom in there? BS! Heather describes herself as the only Jewish Brunette in a sea of Shiksa Blondes. She met Terry on a blind date and it was love at first sight–for him–and love at second sight when she saw his assets. Challah bread, anyone?
Heather explains their mansion is located on Billionaire’s Row, their kids go to extremely expensive private schools, and basically they are richie-rich. Bragging much? They are also BudoJews – or Buddhist Jews, who love monograms. I kinda like Terry – corny jokes melt my heart!
Tamra and Eddie are headed to Catalina with Vicki and Brooks. It’s the Effing Catalina Wine Mixer, y’all! Tamra and Eddie are still going strong and are more in love each day. Vicki and Brooks… well, she’s still Vicki, full lovetank and all. Dang, does Vicks micromanage her man. He’s no Donn Gunvalson, telling Vicki where she can go with her ish!
Moving on to other women who micromanage their menfolk, Gretchen and Slave have dinner and debrief Vicki‘s party. Gretchen admits Alexis is unfairly placing all the blame on Peggy for the Jim-tuation – particularly since it was 15-years-ago! And you know people make mistakes – like Jo, she was a mistake, right Slave? Slave thinks Heather is jealous of Gretchen’s youth. Um… Heather is more attractive than prematurely aging, wannabe pageant queen, Gretchen! And Heather is married to a millionaire, where as Gretchen has…
We see a brief snippet of Alexis’ parenting… #nowords.
On the way to Catalina, Tamra picks up Vicki and Brooks in the eponymous Bravo limo. Tamz is excited to get to know Brooks better. To demonstrate who he really is, Brooks presents Vicki with a mushy card. Pukey pukifers! This is apparently a daily event and Vicki loves it because she is all about her! I’m with Tamra about the daily affirmations – overkill! Vicki’s love tank is gushing. Images that are gross = Vicki’s wet love tank. Why did I go there?!?!
Brooks further undoes his good points by mentioning that he wears Crocs. Yellow Crocs. While Brooks bends over backwards to show his love for Vicki, Eddie and Tamra are well past the honeymoon stage and into the farting and nose hair picking stage. Is nothing private to these people?
Gretchen is doing photoshoot for Breast Cancer Charity of America; Slave has tagged along to tote her pink entourage. Gretchen will be getting naked for charity, save for the cardboard Gretchen Christine Handbag she specially designed for the cause. At least she has a reason to be in naked pictures this time! Nonetheless, she is nervous about taking her top off. Why – we know she’s been there before!? #jayphotoglou. Gretchen is quite a sight without make-up! Now I know why she has a make-up line.
Gretchen explains Slave‘s role in
her company their relationship is “research and development,” aka lab rat. Gretchen reminds Slave he’s still her bitch by emasculating him some more, and insisting he use a pink laptop while doing work for Gretchen Christine Enterprises. Isn’t Gretchen a little too old for the princess pink fetish? I love how humble Gretchen is… She must have learned that from hanging out with Alexis.
Meanwhile, back in Catalina, or almost-Catalina, as our favorite TV couples ride the ferry to doom, everyone is arguing about PDA while doing shots. Always a great combo! Brooks is trying to force Vicki to make out in public, but she is against it. Thank you Vicki for sparing us that horror.
Vicks reveals she tried to be celibate or monogamous, we’re not sure which, with Brooks, but it didn’t work out. Tamra breaks down how celibacy doesn’t work, with some subtle hand gestures. Thanks for that!
Tamra starts insisting everyone do a tequila shot and Vicki tries to demure, claiming she is not a big drinker. Uhhhh.. excuse me, Miss. Woo HOO; we’ve been watching your ass on TV for seven years. Who are you trying to fool?
Tequila shots is when everything starts to go horribly wrong… See after the shots, Vicki and Eddie start teasingly making fun of PDA’s and it was seriously, ridiculously silly and all in fun, albeit disgusting. But Tammy Sue, through her drunken haze, started reading too much into it and got all crazy, wild-eyed, jealous. Ain’t no bitch gonna take her man! So, Tamra grabs Brooks‘ hand and pulls it onto her boob. Brooks, to his credit, was repulsed and instantly tried to extract himself from so sleazy a situation. Class-EEEEEEEEEE.
The ferry grows silent and you could cut the tension with a knife as Eddie was furious, calling Tamra an idiot, and Tamra was fit to be tied. What away to ruin an evening, kids!
As they exit the ferry, Tamra and Eddie get into a big fight over who did the worse sleazy thing and Brooks and Vicki pretend not to be listening. Tamra demands that Eddie apologize. He refuses. C’mon guys, relax, be happy – it’s the Effing Catalina Wine Mixer! Where’s some Step Brothers action to break the tension when you need it?
Eddie is fuming, and Tamra – realizing that she is the one who acted like a twat, sobers up and regrets being so petulant. Oh, Tamra – don’t you ever change on me. I love you just the way you are! Trashy to the maximum and full of spunk!
Next week: The fight continues. Gretchen and Slave discover a little secret about Vicki and Brooks!
Watch What Happens Live: It’s a Millionaire Matchmaker edition in the Bravo Lovehouse with Patti Stanger! And Patti has toned it down just a tad; she’s still her abrasive, opinionated self, but she seems a bit calmer, no? Maybe she’s being on her best behavior to avoid pissing everyone off some more!
Patti starts out by giving advice on online dating. Then she’s up with Plead The Fifth, where she doesn’t plead. Was anyone expecting her to? Patti answers an emphatic NO when asked if she she has ever slept with any of her millionaires!
Patti sets Brandi Glanville up on a date with a surprise Bravolebrity who turns out to be… Angelo from Top Chef: DC and Top Chef All Stars! Brandi meets the notoriously arrogant chef at his restaurant, and he actually seems nervous to meet her! Cute. Patti thinks they will connect over food, and he is very family oriented. So, Angelo lives in NY and Brandi lives in LA – so how is that going to work? They had a great time and seemed to have a lot in common.
Brandi says the date was “great!” and they are still in contact. They actually had a date off camera later that same night, and they totally made out!
The game is PattiFoul! And a hairy back is not a deal breaker, neither is an extensive porn collection or one testicle! Sheesh, she has loooow standards. Forgetting Patti’s birthday is an absolute deal breaker; along with being indecisive and bragging about money. Patti wins a bedazzled nut cracker and she loves it, no surprise!
Patti claims every man wants a threesome or cock is on the clock, but as soon as you offer to get them one they are no longer interested. Patti has interesting opinions about a lot of things, needless to say. But she doesn’t seem to be offending Andy as much this time!
Chris Manzo is the next victim of Patti‘s matchmaking abilities! Chris is only 22 (!) and he is just looking for someone to have fun with. He looks old for 22. Katie seems like a really interesting girl – too interested for him! Also, I liked her dress. They both want to go out again. Say no to the annoying side, Katie!
Patti plays Slot at Love next. Fun game! Patti takes this pseudo-celebrity matchmaking very seriously, which is kinda fun! I really like JR, the second bartender. He’s fun. And you know what – Patti was pretty fun last night too.
THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE – IS THE SEASON BETTER THAN YOU EXPECTED? SHOULD ALEXIS BLAME PEGGY OR JIM? DID TAMRA OVER-REACT TO EDDIE AND VICKI’S TOUCHY-FEELY MOMENT?