The axis of Real Housewives of Miami seems to be spinning around Lea Black this season. I mean she is the Mayor of Miami, right?! 

Last night Lea hosted her annual The Black Gala and while things were a little more lackluster than usual in the auction department the drama surrounding the grand affair more than compensated. That and the diamonds of course! While the so-called "Cubans" are anything but Lea's besties, diamonds will always and forever be a Housewife's best friends, borrowed or no! 

So Lea is hosting her big event, but most of the girls are playing hookie to go to something called Gay Polo. Gay Polo is polo, but there's tigers (and cougars) and leprechauns. Adriana de Moura and Marysol Patton were making a big, ginormous deal out of it like it was some spectacular extravaganza and Prince Harry was going to come out wearing nothing but a loin cloth and some body paint reading Kiss Me, I'm Gay. He's not gay, obviously, but he is hot and exciting. And he plays polo! 


Instead the Anti-Lea Club led by Adriana and Marysol rented a party bus (good lord enough with party buses, Bravo!) and traveled from afar. Hours turned into days and days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and finally guided by the abrasive glow of a low-budget disco ball and some lingering memories of the electric checkerboard floor at Studio 54 the Cuban Cougars and their one little latchkey grifter arrived. Gay Polo people. Let's just say that a 1000 times because Adriana and Marysol sure did. 


Lauren Foster, a transgender model Marysol is so trying to make happen on this show, is joining them. And this was the most BORING party bus in the history of Bravo party buses. Where was Joe Giudice when you needed him? No one stripper pole'd, no one got wasted, instead they sat there acridly and complained. And the party bus leaked! Ha water from outside leaked on Marysol's bespangled Gucci, which was like a giant dog collar of rhinestones. Someone at Gucci got le carried away with the bedazzler! So yeah, the discount party bus was met by the wet blanket club.

And one lady's glow was even dimmer. Alexia Echevarria had a cold and a secret. That secret being that her husband Herman had big plans to attend The Black Gala, despite Alexia being Team Anti-Lea. Alexia remained very quiet while the ladies, with Ana Quincoces in tow, ripped Lea a new one and cackled about her gala and how they would never, ever attend. Alexia instead was very busy playing Words With Friends on her iPhone. 

Ugh that was so silly and lame! It was like the very definition of what made high school ridiculous. There was this pack of heathen-y mean girls just reenacting Heathers except no one put Draino in anybody's hangover OJ. Adriana was Heather No 1 and Marysol was Heather No. 2 and Alexia, well she was Winona Ryder's Heather except she was wearing way too much neon to sneak a bomb into the bleachers. 

Look I get it – Alexia and Lea aren't friends per se but they have a mutually beneficial relationship that supports each other's causes and ventures. Lea went to the Venue thing last week (she even backcombed her hair for the occasion) and despite Alexia promising to be there and despite the fact that her husband wanted to go and sent a car to pick her up so she wouldn't be late she was too scared to tell her "real friends" that she was attending the gala. 

Finally when she was two hours late and Herman was about to drive down there and out Alexia's real hair color (hint she's not a real blonde!) she whispered that she wasn't taking the party bus with the "Lea Black Victim's Club" back to Miami to continue the party, instead she was taking an SUV back home to put on a ballgown. 

Marysol threw a tantrum and stomped her feet until her sequined collar trembled and then she sulked on the bus complaining about how manipulative Lea is. Adriana reminds everyone that Lea like destroyed her life and had ruined all of them and Alexia was next. And Alexia, her cold even worse, rasped incoherent weak defenses until finally she had it and told everyone to grow up and stomped off th bus herself. Lea only controls you if you let her, Alexia told us. And I guess when you need her money you let her control you a bit or when you need her gala to boost your PR firm or when you need to hate her to get a storyline on a floundering reality show, but what Alexia said is true. Too bad she doesn't realize that Adriana and Marysol are only controlling her because she lets them.

Just shut up and go help kids by buying stuff ladies! And stop trying to make "cockies" happen – it won't and it's dumb. 


Back home Alexia realizes she's waaay sicker now after sitting outside in the rain pretending to care about the lamest polo match in the world and ooooh and aaaahing about caged tigers (a feeling she can relate to). She's too sick to attend the gala now. She was trying to appease everyone – including Lea, whom she apparently fears or needs or something – and now she went ahead and damaged the relationship anyway. 

In Lea Black land she's prepping for the gala and in the midst of it all, meeting with her book agent to gallantly gloat about how spectacularly explosive her thinly-veiled roman-a-clef novel will be. I heard Marysol is in it and Marysol is NOT happy about the inclusion! 


In the midst of her Texan book person pretending to be enamored by Lea's boisterous personality there arrives a knock on the door. Oh but who could it be, trills Lea pretending to be surprised. Oh a passé reality star who goes by the name Taylor Hicks. He joins the sofa of the damned as Lea touches his arm every five seconds and blasts her laugh in his ear shrieking about how amazing he is.

Then her jewelry shows up. The jeweler drops some massive earrings on Lea followed by a necklace all of it worth like $30 million dollars in flawless amazingness. Lea molests Taylor some more and you can practically see him imploding over what he is doing to save his sagging career. She was literally in his lap, shoving a borrowed diamond down his pants. Ugh – no. 

At the Hochstein's Fembot Fakenstein is getting ready to step into the 2013 Signature Housewives Gown. If they made a commemorative Housewives Barbie she would be wearing that green sheer-paneled number. Lisa is lamenting that the Lenster is off stuffing silicone into some broad's chest and defending his title as Boob God of Miami while is dabbling in her makeup perfecting his creation. Is Fembot a robot? Is she? 

I actually feel bad for them because it's revealed this episode that Lenny is 47 and they have been trying to conceive since he was 40, and unfortunately there have been several failed rounds of fertility treatments. Poor Lisa is being forced to accept that she'll likely need to use a surrogate and she doesn't feel emotionally supported by her husband. Lenny is operating with the end goal in mind: to have a child, but Lisa is still mourning that she won't be able to grow a child inside her own body. 

Lenny surprises his wife with a diamond tennis necklace. It's both a 'Sorry I'm emotionally unavailable' gift and an 'I'm sorry the pregnancy thing isn't working out' gift. Fembot loves it and her little robot nose twitches with glee that the her Len loves her still. This felt like an authentic moment for two reasons: 1) Neither one of them was giggling nervously because they still have difficulty being themselves on camera 2) the necklace did not go with that dress at all and it was a pure hubby move to not even consider how the things will correspond. Straight men – gotta love 'em. Unless of course you are at GAY POLO in which case you have to tell us you're at GAY POLO at least every 30 seconds. 

In Lea's hotel room she is wearing a 4000 foot train of black tulle ( I swear that was a Chris March dress – love him!) and it was straight out of Elvira's closet. It was in fact perfect for Lea who is playing the straight up villainous queen role this season – or as she termed it 'The Prom Queen' (in her dreams!). 


Fembot arrives to debrief before the event. Lea spends the entire time talking Lisa's ear off about her jewelry and how everyone hates her, but she doesn't care cause she's just turning the other cheek. Turning them, turning them, getting plastic surgery, and turning them some more. Thank god she can afford it! Lea has the air of someone who always wins and in the end, that's why someone like Adriana hates her and ultimately turned on her. She knows Lea will beat her at her own game. Bitter pills, bitter pills.

Lisa is jealous of Lea's borrowed diamonds, but snarks that she owns her own $400,000 dollar bauble (FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!?!). 

Lea's obstreperous babble drowned out any thoughts Fembot may have calibrated in her computerized sparkle brain. Instead she fingered the necklace absently – was it a transmitter? – and plotted the ways she could in fact kill Lea off, take over as the charity queen of Miami, and truly usurp her throne as the mayor of Miami. See while The Victims Club think they are the real Lea Destroyers, it is sweet little peace-seeming Fembot her yearns and aches to be the true social bon mot, the Grande Dame of Southbeach and she is plotting quietly and deviously to oust Lea right out of her borrowed crown and right back into the Pinto she rode in. Lea will be selling Mary Kay again before she knows it – Blue Light Special girls (#TroopBeverlyHillsReference). 

You know, I really can't hate Lea. She's wacky. But she's why we wanna watch Housewives. For over-the-top, rich, kooky ladies with egos the size of their diamonds. We want lavish, outrageous, and fun and Lea gives us all that. She's Auntie Maime meets Florence Nefler and I love it! 


Finally the gala happened. Joanna Krupa arrived with some rent-a-bangs and Romian. He still hates Frederic and thinks he's fake along with Adriana. Karent Sierra makes an appearance, teeth still look good. There was some bathroom cuteness with Joanna, Fembot, and Karent. There were celebs galore. No one bought anything. Flo Rida took his shirt off and all the society doyennes jumped up to boogie and I'm sure made the sort of kitchy comments they think make them edgy so they can pretend to be hip. 

It wasn't a runaway success. It wasn't the best they've ever done. And perhaps all the negativity had put a damper on the affair. Perhaps. But Lea shrugged it all off and waltzed through with her air of intransigence because well, she's Lea Black. And Flo Rida chants her name in the gala she created.

And the ladies on the Party Bus of Doom and Despair chant her name subconsciously and feel her wrath from afar, from near… from all directions; and it makes them afraid, so afraid that it takes the party right out of their tequila and the makes their hair limp and flaccid. And Alexia huddles in her newly reorganized Ikea-binned closet, squeezes her prayer beads and hopes to goodness that Lea isn't too mad cause she's already teetering in her 7" platforms and the higher the heels, the farther the fall… 

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