After last week’s premiere, I felt like the ladies of The Real Housewives Of New Jersey were finally bringing their A-game to Bravo. Like, maybe a producer sat them down and had a Friday Night Lights pep talk with them before cameras started rolling? Because the ingredient-zes in this year’s Sunday gravy seem just right! Maybe it’s the addition of powerhouse-in-pigtails Margaret Josephs, or maybe it’s the shock of seeing Danielle Staub’s face back on our TV screens without waiting for someone to spontaneously punch it? I don’t know. But I’m here for it!
Last night, cake-gate escalated into a mid-dinner walk out after Siggy Flicker called Melissa Gorga and (by proxy) Teresa Giudice trash. Danielle had a sudden bout of PTSD when she heard the T-word, railing against Siggy with all of the season-one angst she could muster. Dolores Catania continued to look like she’d rather be elsewhere, which kind of makes me question what she’s bringing to the table this year – other than an empty house and a
fake storyline of he ex-hubby moving back in? And Teresa went to the beach with Margaret, Melissa, and Danielle to honor her late mother, Antonia, with a heart wrenching (but very sweet) flower ceremony.
We pick up at the very moment we left off in last week, post-cake-throw by the shore in Boca. Siggy has just told Margaret to kindly go f–k herself, which Mags doesn’t immediately respond to. She’s gonna file that one away for later. Everyone else will have to do the same, because next Siggy tells them ALL to go f–k themselves! Teresa kinda/sorta feels bad for throwing the cake, but meh. Not bad enough to respond to Siggy’s tirade that they “all act like animals.”
The next morning, Teresa calls home to check in on her father and the girls while Melissa calls home to Joe Gorga. Mel tells Joe about Siggy getting mad about the cake and – speak of the devil – Siggy is also on the phone with her husband talking about how messy this group acted the night before. Joe can’t believe that Siggy called his wife an animal. Only he’s allowed to do that! Siggy can’t believe she paid hundreds of dollars for a cake with Envy wallpaper on it.
Back in Jersey, Frank and Frankie are attempting to do dishes in a barren kitchen and discuss Frankie’s future – not necessarily in that order. Why haven’t you sent your college applications in yet?! demands Frank. Frankie has no answers beyond half-smirking at his dad, who must have pulled some advice from one of Siggy’s self-help books because he just robotically orders that “failure’s not an option, bro.”
In Boca, Margaret jokes about breaking a cankle as she climbs into the van with Danielle, Teresa, and Melissa to go do yoga on the beach. Margaret was brought into this group by Siggy, but after her reaction the night before, Mags is rethinking her
alliances friendships. Danielle thinks Siggy is a giant control freak, plain and simple, while the entire group wonders if Siggy – the Gemini – has an evil narcissistic twin named Soggy. Soggy Flucker? Floggy Sucker? Whatever it is – it ain’t good.
On the beach, Teresa leads the group in yoga practice, but it’s Danielle who woos the crowd and young children passing by with her extremely flexible hip joints. At a juice bar across town, Siggy complains to Dolores about the group “embarrassing her” in public. As if her Oprah-like screaming and shouting in the restaurant spoke of the reserved decorum Siggy so oft displays. Riiiiiiiight. In any case, Siggy plans to confront everyone later on her Lady of the Manor expectations.
As a surprise to Teresa, Margaret has a white floral wreath delivered to the beach along with note cards and single white roses. She suggests performing a ritual she once witnessed in Hawaii, which involves writing notes to loved ones who’ve passed on, then sending them, along with their single flowers, on a floating wreath out to sea. Teresa is touched by the gesture, and everyone gets down to business writing to their loved ones.
Melissa writes to her father and mother in law, Danielle to her mom, and Margaret to her grandmother, afterward reading their notes aloud to the group through tears. But when Teresa reads her card to the group, she breaks down into hard sobs. She misses her mom immensely, which is only natural – and, again, totally heartbreaking to witness. “You can see the pain that Teresa’s in,” comments Melissa, which is the understatement of the century.
Teresa then takes the paddle board out to sea with an instructor, sets the wreath free and thinks about what an amazing person Margaret is for putting this beautiful ritual together. And I don’t really give a toss what Margaret’s motivation for doing this was; I commend her for bringing a sweet moment of tenderness into the group – and into this show. It’s a welcome change of pace. “I love you, mommy,” says Teresa as she kisses her rose and sets it afloat. “I love you more than anything.”
Back in NJ, Giacinto is wrangling the Giudice girls while Joe comes over with his kids for a visit. Gia is apparently with her boyfriend at the moment, which Joe side-eyes. His daughter won’t be dating until she’s 48! Alright, enough of this.
As riveting as Joe’s dating advice is, it’s already time to travel back down south, where Siggy and Dolores have rejoined the group before tennis. As the ladies awkwardly travel in a van together, desperately staring at their phones in hopes that no one engages them in conversation, Siggy tries to play it cool. She’s hoping that Teresa and Melissa “have had time to reflect” on their poor behavior and are now prepared to offer up an apology. Um, Siggy, five bucks and a wish will get you bus fare, but it ain’t gonna get you an apology from any Real Housewives ’round here! They throw cake to KEEP THEIR JOBS, girlfriend. Check your Bravo playbook.
At Siggy’s friend, Laurie’s, home, Siggy can’t stand the tension anymore. She tells the group that things were taken too far the night before, and she’s hoping that “tennis racquets don’t go flying.” Melissa and Teresa take offense, wondering if Siggy is trying to school them on how to act? Uh, yes. Yes, she is. They’re lucky they weren’t put in a time out! muses Siggy. At least Laurie isn’t bothered by the rift in this group. She pleasantly regales them with the story of her friendship with Siggy, and how her OB/GYN husband looks at roughly 40 vaginas a day. So…small talk for rich people?
At lunch, Danielle tells everyone about the ritual Margaret arranged at the beach, which shocks Dolores and Siggy, who feel instantly left out of an important
filming moment. In all fairness, Dolores – who’s known Teresa and her family since she was sixteen – really did get shafted here, mostly because she hitched her wagon to Siggy. But wasn’t Siggy unresponsive to texts and calls earlier that morning? She might want to rethink crying over spilled cake next time. Perhaps it’s not worth it in the end.
While most of the girls play tennis, Teresa gets her private swim lessons on with some sort of Fabio impersonator. She’s feeling no fear in Mr. Hunky Manbun’s arms, and is silently whispering NAMASTE to Laurie, her erstwhile ambassador of sexually charged swim lessons. Holy balls, this is actually a funny scene – what with the fountains spilling over Tre in the background, Melissa and Danielle watching from the sidelines, and Mr. Hunky Manbun trying to wrangle Teresa’s fish-flapping in between screams. Does this entire scene not contain, at minimum, at least three amazing GIFs waiting to happen?
Meanwhile, Siggy is telling Laurie about cake-gate, and about not receiving an apology for it yet. Laurie agrees that it is terrible behavior, and thinks it’s unacceptable to let the incident go without apology. Dolores chats with Margaret about it in a side conversation, and it’s clear that lines are being drawn more deeply into the quicksand between them. Dolores thinks Mags is a turncoat for siding with Tre and her gang against Siggy, especially because Siggy is the one who, like, invented her, ya know!?!
At Siggy’s condo later, Dolores joins her to “set up” for dinner, which is code for “b*tch about everyone else again before they get here.” In the van ride over, Margaret fills Melissa, Danielle, and Teresa in on how upset Dolores is about being left out of the flower memorial – and how heated Siggy still is about the cake throwing. But Teresa is still bristling over Siggy’s comments about them having a low IQ, which – if we all remember our RHONJ history lessons – is what sent her table-flipping on Danielle years ago. Calling Teresa stupid is like poking an angry rattlesnake. Or in Tre’s case, an angry rattlesnake wearing leopard print.
After everyone arrives at Siggy’s and admires the four thousand self-portraits she has hanging over every inch of the joint, the group sips some wine before dinner. Siggy sits down with Teresa alone, noticing the ‘tude Tre is serving up. But it’s not until dinner time that Siggy strikes. Barely two bites into their appetizer, Siggy finally cracks. She is sick of these rude b*tches acting like nothing happened, and tells Melissa and Teresa straight up that she expected an apology first thing this morning. But no! NO APOLOGY HAS COME FORTH!
Melissa sits in disbelief, defending the cake fight as just a little “harmless fun.” In her opinion, Siggy actually ruined the night by crying and screaming over a silly situation. Why couldn’t it just be a girls gone wild moment, period? Dolores thinks Melissa may not need to apologize for the cake, per se, but should apologize for hurting Siggy’s feelings – which is an argument of semantics, not to mention confusing.
Teresa fires back that Siggy went too low when she called them all “animals from Jersey,” but Siggy just doubles down on it. They are animals! And moreover, she thinks Margaret is a human iceberg with no compassion! Unfazed, Mags just basically snarks that “Soggy Flicker” needs to get a grip. Like, now.
Siggy continues to rail that no one gets it. NO ONE!!! Well, no one but Dolores. At this point, Melissa doesn’t want this Siggy-Teacher-Voice in her ear anymore, and tells her so. Margaret also calls Siggy out on embarrassing her own damn self at that restaurant with her psychotic welcome-wagon HELLO!’s to everyone in the tri-county area.
Now set ALL the way off, Siggy goes to the next level of Jersey insults – straight past Yo Mama, cutting a left turn at stripper wh*re, and heading right into: You can continue going out and acting like TRASH if you want! Record scratch. Eeeeerrrrrrrrk. Them is fightin’ words to the Gorgas and Giudices, not to mention to Danielle, who nearly jumps across poor Dolores to get in Siggy’s face screaming, “DO NOT USE THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN!!!!!!!!”
“Trashy! Trashy! Trashy!” Siggy screams back, clapping her hands to the beat of her new homemade rap. Melissa wonders if Siggy is on drugs
or just looking to be the breakout star this season, grabbing her purse to storm off. In solidarity, Teresa gets up too, reminding Siggy that she’s allied with her sister in law now (in case anyone is confused). Thus, they bounce.
Siggy doesn’t want to have dinner with them anymore, anyway! But she does (hilariously) offer them a doggie bag on the way out. Teresa just snarks no thanks “because the crab cake was too salty!” HA. This is apparently the biggest insult of all, it seems, because Siggy then brings herself to dutifully apologize to the “Sexy Chef” for her friends’ rude behavior. (Um, did she mention they’re from Jersey?)
TELL US: IS SIGGY OVERREACTING, OR ARE TERESA AND MELISSA NOT COPPING TO THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR? DID MARGARET EXCLUDE SIGGY AND DOLORES FROM THE FLOWER MEMORIAL ON PURPOSE TO GAIN ALLIANCES WITHIN THE OTHER GROUP?
Photo Credit: Bravo