Only five episodes in to the first season of Love After Lockup, and it’s already been renewed for season two! Yep. Producers are hard at work scouring the nation for more deluded singles looking for love behind bars. A tip of the hat to you, WeTV! I can’t wait to say “I knew ye back when…” Also, thank you for making me feel better about my life choices every day. Because after watching this mess, it’s impossible to think you’re not #WINNING at life.
This week, probation is the name of the game. Who’s on it, who’s off it, and who ain’t never getting it (hi, Lizzie!). While some couples celebrate the next chapter of their
tragic doomsday story, others are saved from themselves by way of the Federal Corrections Agency. There is so much mud to trudge through this week, let’s get right to it!
Andrea & Lamar
In CA, Lamar just now realizes his parole conditions won’t allow him to leave LA County. Mmm hmm. Okay, Lamar. We’ll pretend that this realization is JUST NOW dawning on you. He tells his friend (who’s housing him temporarily) that he’ll go to Utah anyway. He’s got to make good on his 6-year promise to the woman who consistently stalked him in lockup.
Meanwhile, Andrea is in Utah complaining about Lamar “acting like an inmate” during their parking lot fight. This, by the way, is because she is literally ENGAGED TO AN INMATE – although her friend doesn’t come right out and say it.
Again, it’s just dawning on Andrea now that it might not be the dandiest plan to bring an 18-year ex-con/stranger/felon into her children’s lives? Plus, there are definitely carwash hotties in the Utah area just waiting to snatch up her dude. Obviously.
But Lamar thinks he’s a great guy! As evidenced by their fight just before Andrea left him in LA. “I ain’t cheat ONE time!” shouted the man who was just released from prison 48 hours prior.
Alla & James
Alla is sick and thinks she might be pregnant, so she seeks out the aid of a gas station “receptionist” (!?!?) for medical advice. James is freaked the f**k out, so he wants her to take the test immediately which she does – right there in the restaurant bathroom. This is all very normal.
Instead of addressing the matter at hand, Alla starts several arguments with James about their relationship – which is only 2 weeks in the making since her release from prison. Essentially, she’s mad about James not telling his family about how they met. She’s also very agitated and sweaty in general. Not a good omen.
After Alla emerges from the bathroom, she’s further enraged at James for asking her what the result of her pregnancy test is. This only serves to make James’ eyes crazier, which isn’t good for anyone’s blood pressure. “What are we doing here? What’s the point of this?” he asks in frustration after Alla finally confesses that she didn’t really take a test in there if you know what I mean the test was negative.
Next week, it looks like James finally begins to understand the truth about Alla’s addiction, and that her past demons have definitely come back to haunt her. Sad news. 🙁
Angela & Tony
Angela is back home after being ghosted at the prison bus stop, which would be a low point in any woman’s life. Although Angela shouted out “Are ya’ll from prison?” to strangers in every feasible direction, she didn’t get answers about her true love’s whereabouts.
Tony video calls her later to give her the update: He’s still in prison. Yet he’s wearing a baseball cap and t-shirt? Is this the new prison uniform? WHAT IS GOING ON?!? Angela wants to believe that Tony is telling the truth, but honestly, homeboy looks like he’s calling from a Walmart bathroom stall.
Speaking of bathroom stalls, Angela and Tony can’t wait until their first magic moment together. Until then, Angela will settle for kissing her phone screen while Tony pastes a smile on his face, promising he “can’t wait” either. Angela assures us, “Some might call me desperate, but I’m not!” Okay, ma’am. Calm down.
Mary & Dominic
The very traumatized Dominic and deeply delusional Mary go wedding tux shopping. Straight outta the halfway house, Dominic still obviously has PTSD about 1) just having been released from prison, or 2) seeing Mary in all three dimensions. According to his probation conditions, he’s not even supposed to be in this store! Mary holds him hostage as she forces him to try on formalwear while he just tries not to puke/pass out.
“This is the last thing I want to be doing right now,” deadpans Dominic, who’d rather be eating a metal tray of prison food than getting dressed up in a monkey suit by this stage five clinger.
Later, they go to the woods later for a Come To Jesus moment. Dominic is overwhelmed and doesn’t want to hear about wedding plans for at least a year. He’s living in a halfway house, lady! He can’t be tux shopping! But Mary doesn’t think she can wait any longer, which Dominic doesn’t seem to give two sh*ts about. His reaction to her threat is much like my child’s reaction to threats about taking her iPad away. She knows I’m bluffing out of sheer exhaustion.
In the car afterward, Dominic gets super heated and calls Mary a “delusional b*tch” when she complains that he hasn’t even bought her flowers yet! With nowhere to run, Dominic just safely exits his own vehicle and goes wandering in the woods. Much like our boy Paul from Before The 90 Days, Dominic is in need of some serious mental help, a potential camera crew intervention, and six military crates of supplies.
Lizzie & Scott
After being turned away from Lizzie’s prison on her initial release day, Scott meets with Lizzie’s lawyer, Aaron, who delivers the bad news. Apparently, Lizzie was caught with heroin, meth, and a cell phone – the last of which Scott actually bought her! Multiple times!!! Thus, Lizzie’s not getting out of prison anytime soon. In fact, she’s facing up to 12 additional years for the possession. This news hits Scott hard.
But this is actually the best news Scott could ever, ever, EVER get. He has a chance to move on, even if he’s $20k poorer for it. (And even if that $20k likely went toward the heroin and meth Lizzie has obviously been on for the duration of their relationship. Gah!)
The only question remaining is whether poor Scott can return those clothes he bought her? Because, damn! This guy needs a break. He also needs a life coach, a financial advisor, and an application to Netflix’s reboot of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy. As for me, I need to seriously pump the breaks on my codependent relationship with TV-Scott. But somebody – anybody – please save this man from himself!!!
Johnna & Garrett
5 weeks out of prison, Garrett wishes he could commit grand theft auto on his own vehicle and cross state lines, escaping his new lockdown-life with Johnna. Since Johnna is still pissed about him staying out all night and not buying her a ring, Garrett is likely still using his car as an apartment.
Because he needs to get out of the dog house, Garrett goes ring shopping. Per Johnna’s memorized mantra, he’s been instructed to get a one carat solitaire stone. But his waiter’s tips (from the job he’s had for 2 whole weeks) don’t quite add up to $3,000 yet, so the ring will have to wait. Unless he can visit that same Claire’s Boutique kiosk Lamar hit up for Andrea’s bling…?
Hold on – plot twist! Garrett’s dad has apparently offered money to fund this purchase, at least partially. This again begs the question: If Garrett has these parents and grandparents happily supporting him post-prison, why is he hitching his wagon to Johnna? WHAT IS HAPPENING? (This is also the question the kindly gent behind the jewelry counter is asking himself as he listens to Garrett’s tale of prison romance.)
Back home, Johnna talks to her friends Alexa and Desi’re about Garrett going out to strip clubs. The second his ankle bracelet was taken off, he was trolling for chicks! she bemoans. You know, just normal girl talk. Her friends laugh nervously as they listen to the “Travails Of Johnna, Prison Boo.” Solution: She’ll cut off the sex off until Garrett cleans up his act. No shower caps for him!
On Johnna’s birthday, she wants to drink Moscato with friends and reminisce about the good old days when she was drinking alone on her couch and Googling inmates. Now that she has a real, live ex-con sitting on her couch day and (occasionally) night, life is a bit more bleak. No matter! Tonight is about Johnna getting drunk with her friends, and Garrett will just have to watch the show unfold.
But just when Johnna’s speech moves straight past giggly and right into slurry, Garrett hands her a box. Inside is a rotting strawberry smeared with Nutella or some sh*t – but wait! Is this actually Garrett’s botched attempt at romance?!?
OH MY GOOD GOD. The strawberry of slime is followed by a large gold box with a zillion more boxes inside and, finally, a RING. Garrett must have gotten the scratch together to buy that 1 carat solitaire stone after all because there it is, and there he is – half crouching, asking Johnna to marry him. She says yes, feeling like a brokedown Beyonce. A very drunk and humidity-stricken brokedown Beyonce. She won’t have to give up on that HAWT shower sex after all!!! But she may have to install a tracker on Garrett’s car/getaway vehicle.
Writer’s Note: Check out my podcast Pink Shade With Erin Martin for more Reality TV talk (Housewives, 90 Day Fiance, Love After Lockup & more!) – plus a dash of cults & the supernatural. Available on Acast, Stitcher, and iTunes!
TELL US: WHO HAS THE BEST CHANCE OF ACTUALLY MAKING IT TO THE ALTAR?
Photo Credit: WeTV