Oh to have Hannah Ferrier‘s life on Below Deck Mediterranean: lounging around worrying over boy drama, smoking, folding some napkins before hopping on boats to party with guests, and then the audacity of being called a gold digger because she expects her men to have big, bulging … savings accounts. Oh Hannah, put down the cancer sticks and get a reality check!
Hannah and Conrad Empson are fighting over money. Specifically: this little Euro spent on Hannah’s wine, that little Euro spent on expensive wine and dinner Hannah chose, and several piggy little Euros went to more of Hannah’s expensive boozy tastes; so one huffy cougar is blowing Conrad’s meager savings right away!
Last night adding extra pressures on the already fractured and disorganized crew, Captain Sandy Yawn welcomed aboard her friend Lizzz with an extraneous Z (zzzzzz – as in boringly uppity about wine temperatures). In Lizzz’s group was some sort of wine store owner who, like an overbearing mommy, carried around a pocket thermometer to constantly check the temps of her whites. Alright, so the wine woman didn’t actually do that, but she might as well of! Hilariously for all Hannah’s highfalutin notions that she is the chicest person on the high seas, it is Brooke Laughton who knows the proper temperature is a crisp, not chilled, 37 degrees. And she’s accustomed to the metric system, to boot!
After obviously billing herself as an expert in providing a luxury experience, Sandy had a lot to prove and expects service to be perfect. During dinner she even demands Kasey Cohen be stationed outside the dining table to anticipate any guest needs instantly, but since this is Kasey she sort of wanders away to hide in the laundry where she knows she rightfully belongs.
Sandy was also living a bit of that Hannah life as she dined and toured with the guests – because they beggggged her to and she couldn’t possibly let down her very good friends. Luckily someone was driving the boat, and even luckier that person wasn’t Joao Franco. He was too busy stirring up trouble!
There were so many problems in paradise last night. Hannah and Conrad nearly split up over 50 euro and Hannah’s insatiable obsession with believing herself some sort of fashion goddess. She sees such materialism as a virtue which is as naturally and innately her as her wine connoisseurism. Conrad, meanwhile, is a 23-year-old with beer tastes and a matching budget. It’s obvious that Hannah considers herself “slumming” by even giving him the time of day, and she’s all poised to break up with him after storming out of a club because he called her a gold digger. The next day, back on deck, he whines his way back into her temporary good graces and she decides to ‘work it out’ for the duration of the season. That’s code for the second anchor drops after the final charter, Hannah is hiding out in the Gucci outlet until Conrad gives up searching.
Conrad – this was literally you get out of jail free card! But Conrad is obviously way more into Hannah, even while she constantly implies he’s not good enough, while also distracting him at work with her needy demands. So, which does she want – a successful man or one that’s life revolves around her?
Or to go on The Bachelor as the villain?
While Conrad was brooding inside the club, Joao grabbed his shoe and picked on him until they nearly come to blows. Joao, aka Jezzabub, is so drunk he almost falls down the stairs aboard the Talisman. The next morning he draws a complete blank, but Brooke, despite having witnessed yet another shameless display, is still hopelessly and haplessly into all his BS and believes he’s a changed man ready to whisk her to Zimbabwe. And I have a desert to sell you in Naples, Brooke!
Even worse, somewhere in the back of Joao’s numbskull remains a niggling obsession with getting into Kasey’s
chastity belt knickers. Kasey feels “awkward” because Joao still wants to be “friends” even though he ditched her for Brooke. Instead of keeping her distance, Kasey continues to allow herself to be taken advantage of by having ‘relationship talks’ about this so-called friendship, and openly flirting with him. Joao is scum personified, the very definition of a disgusting wannabe player only successful because of close quarters and everyone being TOO STUPID to realize that Colin Macy-O’Toole is the true treasure. Joao is an octopus trying to wrap all his tentacles around any and everything he can, but Kasey is also stupid for going back for more. Furthermore, Brooke is her friend so if Joao and Brooke are having a “thing” she needs to keep her own tentacles out of it.
In short, Kasey needs to make up her mind – on the crew night out she was talking crap about Joao and warning Brooke; the very next day after he offers a phony ‘We’re still pals’ apology, she’s giggling and flirting up a storm with him. In front of Brooke! Brooke tries to act unbothered, then tries to confront Joao, but she’s too nice (or obviously as desperate and pathetic as she seems) to draw a line in the sand. Joao doesn’t respect her, or Kasey – or any woman – enough to set boundaries for himself. Hence his pride in Jezzabub’s appearances. (Extra Z for an EXTRA douchenozzle.)
This guy really outta go on 90 Day Fiance or something. He could find some rich desperate American divorcee more than willing to put up with his Mohamed act!
In the meantime, Kasey and Brooke need to turn on him and band together – especially since they need each other to expose just how lazy and entitled Hannah is! Basically, Hannah slouches around, taking countless smoke breaks and cuddling with Conrad, while they do everything. Brooke notes that she’s done created centerpiece this season, which really is NOTHING to brag about (although maybe she’s the victim of Hannah ordering trashy decor), and Kasey is setting every table, then being banished to the cabins while Hannah rakes in all the glory serving. Again, considering the issues with service this season it doesn’t even appear she’s doing that great! Like adding ICE to glasses of rose because she didn’t get it into the freezer soon enough. Then again at dinner, the wine wasn’t cool enough even though it has access to a yacht fridge, but at lunch, in the hills with only an ice bucket, Brooke managed to get that shit chill.
Captain Sandy is noticing that Brooke is a superstar. After Brooke’s amazing beach picnic for Kenny and Amber, she decides Brooke and Kasey will go ashore in Naples to stage lunch atop an ancient fortress. Hannah was all scheming for another day ashore, shopping, mingling with guests, and “having a coke
Conrad with them” when Sandy got revenge over the disappearing boat tour. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise though because everyone had to hike up about a zillion stairs carrying all the gear, and even Adam was recruited to haul his own lunch. Then he had to race right back to start preparing a traditional New England Clam Bake, complete with corn, potatoes, fresh lobster, and mussels. So delicious!
While nearly everyone was getting their StairMaster on, Jamie Jason was left behind to set up ALL the toys – even the dreaded slide – by her lonesome. Shockingly she managed to do it without Joao’s all-important guidance and advice. #Sarcasm. Sandy is impressed by Jamie’s work ethic and later rewards her by letting her drive out of pier. Jamie reveals her own dreams of someday being a captain. I’d sail on her yacht! #CallMe. #DontHireJoao #HellBeInJailForSexualHarrassmentViolationsAnyway
Hannah, meanwhile, stayed behind to smoke, fold some napkins, smoke, probably hit the wine stash to “test” that it was cool enough, smoke, and update her IG influencer profile. You know she thinks she’s one! But NOT set the table for dinner!
The clambake was a huge hit with the guests, but again the service was lacking because Hannah sent Brooke on a break and told her to take an extra hour because they wouldn’t need the additional crew, then the wine was too warm. Again.
About the only one not having issues last night, other than the aforementioned Colin and Jamie, is Adam Glick. His cheffing was on point, the guests were raving and he’s got no personal issues distracting him. In fact, he’s so consumed with his professional successes – aka propelling himself off this rent-a-yacht to a longstanding gig on a billionaires boat – that he forgets to make the crew dinner. And you won’t like Joao
ever when he’s hangry! Dudes – eat that leftover clambake! Instead, everyone mopes around like sulky teens, whining that they’re starving but there’s nothing to eat until Adam whips up some chicken, but it’s 11 pm by then.
The next dinner Adam is again caught unawares and Conrad has to remind him that they’re all wasting away after the grueling physical labor of setting up the slide that no one ever slides down more than once, then taking down the slide after someone slid down it once, then stowing the slide, then putting it back out again so the guests can slide down it only once. The stews are also doing all Hannah’s work, so they’re also doubly famished. Out of nowhere, as if whisked from a magic oven on the Jetsons, Adam produces ham and perfect steak fries – yet still, Joao is complaining over the forgotten meal from the night before. Is this dude ever happy?!
The final dinner is at least drama-free with Hannah tapping Colin to be an extra busser while Kasey was banished to the lower tier on laundry and turn-down. The guests depart, happy, and leave a decent tip, but Hannah is not impressed. SHE has standards, as you know!
The crew has less than a 24-hour turnaround before the next charter arrives so Sandy warns them to go out for dinner, but no clubbing. As Brooke and Hannah are getting dressed, Joao uses this unmothered time to steal Kasey’s phone and snap a photo – in front of everyone – of his dick. It’s not clear if he actually got it, or just jokingly snagged a close-up of his open fly, but instead of being disgusted Kasey laughed and then took flirty selfies with him!
All while Brooke was just out of sight. Hannah, once again, warns Brooke that she better be careful, but this time I don’t think that warning was purely because she despises Joao!
TELL US – IS HANNAH THE LAZIEST PERSON ON BOARD, OR ARE BROOKE AND KASEY WHINERS? IS KASEY WRONG FOR FLIRTING WITH JOAO? SHOULD CONRAD DUMP HANNAH?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]