Hi there I’m guest recapping Real Housewives Of New Jersey and it has been so long since I’ve written about this show I practically forgot how dysfunctional Teresa Giudice is! (Almost, but not quite!)
As Jennifer packs for TWO WHOLE DAYS away from home she worries if she doesn’t schedule Bill Aydin’s quality time with the kids, he’ll forget they exist. She’s probably also worried that he’ll forget she exists! Or worse – won’t miss her presence…
Stuffing pair after pair of Louboutins into her suitcase until the entire thing turns crimson, Jennifer complains that Bill uses work as a “hall pass” to avoid parenting. “I didn’t get into this situation on my own,” she gripes. Yes, exactly, Jennifer, you didn’t get into a situation that affords you owning $50,000 worth of shoes on your own, so shut up about Bill’s work schedule!
Still, Jennifer’s irritation with Bill takes second place to her anger at Jackie for writing an article that questioned her parenting choices. Bill chuckles that Jackie made “valid points,” while Jennifer’s face turns Louboutin red with rage.
Frank Catania is home to train Frankie Catania for the fitness competition. So, he and Dolores Catania drive out to inspect the progress on their new income property. Dolores is irritated that Frank has been going behind her back to change things. No surprise! Just like Frank didn’t respect Dolores in their marriage partnership, he doesn’t respect her in their business partnership either. When will Dolores learn that Frank is not to be trusted? He’s also taking advantage of Dolores being focused on planning her event for the women’s shelter to make choices without her OK. Then, he turns around and micromanages her. “You know what Frank,” snaps Dolores, “you sound like an asshole so you should just shut up.”
As they tour the new home, Frank advises Frankie not to spend money on boats and whores on the Jersey Shore, but to make investments instead. Hearing about his father partying at the shore while Dolores was home raising kids prompts Frankie to wonder how his mom can continue to stand behind Frank, with everything he’s done to her. It’s nice to see Frankie learning from his father’s mistakes about how to treat women. He’s a new generation of Italian men!
After butting heads about the role of Joe Giudice in her life Teresa agrees to meet Jackie for cawfee. Jackie just doesn’t understand why Teresa got so escalated, so fast over seemingly nothing. And she is NOT OK with being spoken to in a condescending and aggressive tone.
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“Is that the way that you argue with people?” Jackie asks. UM…. Where the F–k has she been the last 7 years of Real Housewives of New Jersey? She got off easy considering Teresa’s past! However, Jackie apologizes for crossing the line. Then, she appeals to Teresa’s past and her own, to broker a temporary peace by explaining that if a woman as strong as Teresa can’t control her husband, there’s no way Melissa Gorga is wrangling Poison. Just when you’d thought Jennifer only moved to Jersey yesterday she laughs reminiscing about how as kids they teased her mommy for having to wear a tacky ankle bracelet after those annoying IRS problems. Jennifer would probably sue the state of New Jersey to make them put a Chanel label on her own ankle bracelet if she had one.
Following their bond over parents who commit tax fraud, Jackie walks away believing she and Teresa are good going forward . Meanwhile, Teresa smirks, “This is strike two for Jackie…” Now Jackie just needs to get a handle on her issues with Jennifer…
With three weeks left until the bikini competition, Teresa turns to Frank for training and he wants her to lose 12 more pounds!! Take off the wig and the false eyelashes?
Melissa and Joe take Joey out to celebrate his 8th birthday, and Joe spends the entire time belittling Melissa over Envy. Joe acts like he’s instilling money management values into Antonia by explaining the realities of what it’s like to be a big, powerful businessman – like daddy – vs. a trophy wife with a vanity business – like mommy.
Except let’s be real… we all know Melissa’s Real Housewives Of New Jersey paycheck is funding a lot of little poison’s delusions of grandeur that he calls success. At least Melissa has finally discovered feminism and realizes Antonia shouldn’t be taught these outdated women’s roles!
Jennifer hasn’t been back to Turkey in six years, but the second she arrives she’s asserting herself as the expert on how Michael and his future bride, Melda, should handle life, marriage, love, and merging cultures. “When Melda marries into my family she’s instantaneously going to become my sister. Unlike some families in Jersey!” she exclaims. Hmmm… whomever could she be referring to?!
Once Melda relocates to America with Michael, Jennifer apparently plans to train her in New Jersey trophy wife culture. Step one Melda needs to instruct Michael on updating the bling because Jennifer complains that the diamond cross he chose to cement their engagement was puny. Step 2, Melda must learn to straddle the line between being a traditional Turkish wife and a modern American woman. Maybe she can read Melissa’s book for pointers?
Despite Jen’s instant love for Melda, Teresa still warns her, “All sister-in-laws are nice in the beginning. Then they turn on you.” Yes, I fully expect to see Melda on Real Housewives Of New Jersey in 3 years selling out Jennifer’s family secrets to Danielle Staub.
Back in the States, Melissa and Jackie visit Margaret Josephs to help pack gift bags for Dolores’s fundraiser. Just kidding – they’re just there to discuss Danielle’s atrocious behavior at her wedding. Danielle and Margaret have been going at it over text and after a slew of rude comments Margaret told the Staubinator, “I wish you a happy life; never speak to me again.” In response, Danielle wrote “happy mother’s day.” Um…
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Dolores’s fundraiser is gorgeous. And I love, love, love seeing this side of her. She is compassionate, engaged, and truly, genuinely concerned about these women and their children. In fact, all the RHONJ women stepped up and were amazing. Everything was going wonderfully, and peacefully until Margaret learned of Jennifer’s brother’s last minute engagement and compared him to “milk about to expire.” Ultimately, Margaret suspects that Melda is a mail-order bride and mocks the idea of not having sex before marriage. Even Teresa and Melissa have the decency to be shocked about her uncouth comments.
Can we just gush over how adorable that little baby Joseph was!? DYING.
Now that Jackie and Teresa are getting along, it’s time for Teresa (and Dolores) to warn Jackie that she was way out of line in publicly judging Jennifer’s parenting. Jackie still denies that her pointed article was an insult. She was merely mentioning that even THOUGH Jennifer spoils her kids rotten, they don’t behave rotten. Yet! Teresa suggests Jackie text Jennifer before she comes home so they can agree to meet and talk.
For now, Jen has forgotten all about Jackie as she celebrates Michael’s lavish engagement. In traditional Turkish culture, it is the eldest man in the groom’s family who asks the bride’s father for permission. They have a huge party with both families to signify unifying as one. Judging by what I’ve seen on this show it is 100% the opposite in Italian culture! Jennifer hopes by this time next year a baby will be on the way for Melda and Michael. Exactly how old is Melda? She looks 25 to his 45.
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The second Jennifer returns to Jersey she goes to Teresa’s for a welcome home brunch. There she is served a play by play of all the snarky comments Margaret made about Michael’s engagement. It’s clear that Margaret is using her comments as revenge for Jennifer’s insensitive and super rude behavior in Oklahoma. And Jennifer was horrible. Now, the Louboutin is on the other foot. Jennifer sees what it’s like to have people be dismissive about your culture.
Jen snipes that clearly Margaret doesn’t have standards of decorum or family values as evidenced by how open she is about cheating on her first husband. Jennifer is the pot that calls the kettle’s bottom black as she labels people in their group “very judgmental.” People like, say, JACKIE. Of course jet lag, millions of calories in Turkish food, and the promise of a new sister hasn’t made Jennifer forget Jackie’s article.
Jackie’s plan is to have everyone come to a wine tasting where she can discuss the situation with Jennifer. Shockingly Teresa encourages Jennifer to give Jackie a chance to apologize. “Jackie thinks she has a way with words,” Jennifer fumes, “Well I’ve got a few choice words for her!”
Furthermore, Teresa declares, “In this group, kids and husbands are off limits.” Unless it’s the husband of your sister-in-law. That just makes him fair game. And a weird, complicated Jerry Springer dynamic that sounds dirty. Dolores agrees that only she Jennifer, and Teresa understand these “old school values” and rules. I’m not sure that’s a good thing!
TELL US – WAS JACKIE’S APOLOGY TO TERESA SINCERE? DID MARGARET’S COMMENTS ABOUT JENNIFER GO TOO FAR?
[Photo Credits: Bravo]