The ship pretty much hit the fan on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. I think y’all would agree that A YACHT happened. So sorry. The show started where last week’s episode ended. The chief stewardess and the bosun were in hot water with the captain.
Following Hannah Ferrier’s banishment to her cabin, Captain Sandy Yawn shrieks for Conrad Empson so she can lay into him about indirectly overworking Brooke Laughton. Sandy gave Hannah explicit instructions to return to the yacht after one quick Diet Coke. Given they were gone three hours, that must have been a massive Polar Pop of the D.C. (with that amazing pellet ice, obviously).
To say I’ve been waiting with bated breath for the Southern Charm reunion would be a gigantic understatement. I’m even more excited to be watching it in Charleston with my trusty college roommates, Kristen and Haze. They are just as die-hard fans as I am!
The Charmers are getting ready for what is sure to be a draining day. Austen Kroll and Shep Rose are having a sausage fest as Cameran Eubanks preps to watch the smackdown between Kathryn Dennis and the absent Thomas Ravenel’s money spender. As usual, the cast is more casual than other reunions, with the exception of Kathryn who is highlighting her new boobs in a bedazzled gown. Chelsea Meissner looks stunning. Andy Cohen welcomes the crew, hitting on Craig Conover and Shep while highlighting Naomie Olindo sitting on an opposite couch from her ex. He is excited that Austen has brought him beer and Craig may have a few pillows for the clubhouse. Andy reads a statement from T-Rav’s attorneys which asserts he is cooperating with authorities during his ongoing investigation. Thomas believes he will be vindicated, although I’m not sure he knows the meaning of the word.
So last night was the season two premiere of Southern Charm Savannah, and I’ll let you decide if it should have been #RenewedByBravo. After its weak initial run, the show didn’t get nearly the traction as its franchise flagship. Now, on the heels of an explosive and exceedingly popular season of Southern Charm, will Savannah be able to keep up any momentum? Only time will tell.
I know you forgot who these people were. Don’t feel bad, I did too. Allow me to provide you with a quick breakdown before the recap. Catherine Cooper will never hold a candle to the Kathryn Dennis comeback kid. You recall she turned down the proposal from her on-again, off-again beau Lyle MacKenzie to create some finale drama. Her bestie and mentor Brandon Branch joins the cast as a full-time player after many a cameo on season one. Hannah Pearson dates Louis Oswald. You remember them because she cries a good bit and has a lot of random ambitions, and he’s an overgrown frat boy with a sock collection and penchant for funneling beer. Daniel Eichholz is the hot guy who took over his father’s law firm and works hard to never offend. He’s minimal drama at best. You remember Happy McCullough…oh wait, you don’t. You don’t remember Hagood Coxe either, but, as opposed to the case with Happy, it’s because Hagood wasn’t a part of the cast last go-round. Ashley Borders was the resident society rebel who may have had a moonlighting gig at the baggage terminal for Delta. Caught up? Yeah, I won’t remember them next week either…
Were you suffering from Southern Charm withdrawals last week? I know I was. While the last episode gave us friendship and butt crack, last night was all about drama and formality. It certainly delivered, although Bravo sure knows how to gloss over current events, doesn’t it?
Craig Conover is still living like a college student (and that statement is an insult to college students), and he welcomes Cameran Eubanks into his halfway house. She’s critical of the space, which is well-deserved, but she puts on airs when she sniffs the box wine he offers. She grills him about practicing law, but he counters that he’s yet to be sworn into the bar. He’s still working on the Character and Fitness portion of the application. As someone who went through this a while ago, the bar is basically making sure he doesn’t have an errant DUI (a regular one is fine…I don’t know that first hand, but I have some friends…) and isn’t an ax murderer. Clearly, Bravo reality whore ranks up there as a reason one wouldn’t be fit to practice law–in South Carolina. That’s a hard feat given the lawyers I know! Craig claims his pillow business is thriving, so attorney ethics benchmarks be damned! He presents Cameran with a bunch of pillowcases that he just needs to stuff before fulfilling his orders. She, like the rest of America, wonders what he’s waiting for with his sham empire. Was sham empire a pun? I didn’t think so until I typed it! She poo-poos his pillow situation as a distraction. Craig needs to focus on one thing. Isn’t he seeing a life coach? Craig admits that he stopped returning his life coach’s calls. Why can’t he take accountability? Craig reveals that Naomie Olindo may not have been wrong in labeling him a drifter.
Last night’s Southern Charm was like an SNL review from Stefon. It had EVERYTHING. Butt cracks and callousness, polo and pettiness, and after dark, this plantation rages with the owner of the Boar’s Nest, insecure Florence Nightengales, and one very promising comeback kid. There is so much to recap, I’ll just dive into the craziness. It’s why we’re all here, right?
Craig Conover is still suffering from the great butter knife incident of ’17, and it is making it very difficult for him to follow his dreams to master the Singer. He recruits his roommate for help while whining about Patricia Altschul not giving him one more day to produce the pillow that would knock her caftan right off–alas, Ms. Pat does things on principle…like not extended already greatly extended deadlines. She’s so rigid!
While we all aren’t lucky enough to be front and center at one of Lu’s slap and tickle performances (slap yourself on the back because you’re laughing at her wittiness while she’s tickling her throat with that deep baritone of hers–get your mind out of the gutter, people!), the San Francisco Pride Parade was graced with the Countess on Sunday.
Disclaimer: I had a grand epiphany during last night’s Southern Charm, and it is shared throughout the recap. I knew the hyped disappearance of Kathryn Dennis had nothing to do with falling off the wagon, so I was hellbent on figuring out Bravo’s angle. I was horribly wrong in my assumption. What’s that saying about when you assume? I become an *asshat. I’ll own it. Regardless, this show keeps getting better and better! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
As the Charmers get ready for their day, Cameran Eubanks revels in her boobaliciousness to Chelsea Meissner, Thomas Ravenel tries to drown himself in his bathroom sink, and Danni Baird and Naomie Olindo are worried about Kathryn’s whereabouts. She skipped out on a boxing class with Naomie, and she isn’t answering any calls. Danni realizes it has been four days since her last communication with Kathryn. Concerned, Naomie dials Shep Rose, but he’s not worried. Have you seen Kathryn’s phone? It’s probably on the fritz.