Alejandro Velez

The Bachelorette Recap: The Parade Of Tools (AKA The Men Tell All)

by Melissa on July 17th, 2012

The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard <yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.

Those 3 Stooges would be Kalon McMahon, Ryan Bowers, and Chris Bukowski. They were obviously the stars of the night, with a side dish of Sean Lowe <SCREAMS!>.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr. are not there, but the men who escaped a ~~lifetime of love~~ few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.

Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.

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Bachelorette,Recaps

The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Picks Her Final Four

by Melissa on June 26th, 2012

Last week on the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard said goodbye to Travis Pope (egg guy) and Ryan Bowers (sweet talker) in Croatia. This week, Emily wants us to believe she handles her own luggage as she and the remaining ~~suckers~~ suitors head to Prague. Chris Harrison meets the men in Prague to remind them this is the the last set of dates before the hometown dates. Also, he explains how this week is going to go down. There will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. There will be a rose up for grabs on the group date but not on the one-on-one dates.

The six remaining bachelors are Arie Luyendyk Jr., John Wolfner, Chris Bukowski, Doug Clerget, Jef Holm, and Sean Lowe. The first date goes to Arie. The date card reads, “Let’s Czech out Prague together.” Emily’s date outfit is interesting – knee-high boots, Ricki’s bedazzled shorts, button up shirt that she forgot to finish buttoning, and a suit jacket. Out of the blue, Emily lets us know she knows something about Arie but he doesn’t know she knows. Very soon after this revelation it’s painfully obvious that Emily is going to resort to passive aggressive hints for most of the date rather than talking to Arie about what she knows. Very mature, Emily.

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The Bachelorette Recap: Say What? What Happened To Sean’s Wood?!?

by Melissa on June 19th, 2012

This week on The Bachelorette, Emily Maynard and her minions are in Croatia. The previews suggest that Ryan Bowers is the punching bag of the week. Also, we should expect lots of kissing and some drama at the rose ceremony. Could it be? Really for real – the most shocking rose ceremony ever?!?

According to Jef Holm, Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love. I beg to differ. I met my (now) husband at Wal-Mart 16 years ago, and he’s been wooing me ever since. Croatia vs. Wal-Mart – really, it’s no contest. The always-classy Wal-Mart wins, right? If Emily insists on making it complicated, we might as well see what Croatia has to offer.

Emily surprises the guys by hand delivering the first date card. It goes to Travis Pope and reads, “Let’s look for love beyond the walls.” Travis was engaged once before. He says, “When it didn’t work out, it was the lowest point in my life.” Lower than befriending an ostrich egg and naming it Shelly? Wow. That must have been really low.

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Bachelorette,Recaps

The Bachelorette Recap: Much Ado About Nothing

by Melissa on June 12th, 2012

There are ten bachelors left on ABC’s wildly successful entertaining The Bachelorette. This week, the guys score a free trip to London. Yes, Emily Maynard is there too, as there’s always a catch. The guys are checking out the scenery when the first date card comes into play. The one-on-one date goes to Sean Lowe. Date card reads, “Love takes no prisoners.” Emily and Sean tour London. Sean speaks to the people of London about love. Sean is my favorite bachelor thus far; however, this date is dreadfully boring. The date card should have read, “Emily brings the history lesson while Sean brings the pretty.”

The group date card arrives. It reads, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” The mushroom farmer is the first to connect this quote to Shakespeare. I don’t know the rate at which mushrooms grow, so he might have a lot of free time in the fields to read tragic tales such as Romeo and Juliet. Or, a producer might have written the answer on his hand. The group date goes to…

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Bachelorette,Recaps

The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Takes The Guys To Bermuda, Ryan’s Ego Gets Its Own Hotel Room

by Melissa on June 5th, 2012

Finally, The Bachelorette puts the viewer’s need for travel porn above Emily Maynard’s need to keep her daughter Ricki close to home. We’re off to Bermuda! I hope beautiful sandy beaches mean beautiful shirtless men.

The first date card goes to Doug Clerget. It reads, “Let our senses lead the way.” Doug remembers there’s a rose on the one-on-one dates. The guys talk about how much it would suck to come all the way to Bermuda only to have to go right back home. They’re right, that would suck, but probably not as much as a lifetime with Emily.

I know, I know, America’s sweetheart, search for true love, and all that jazz. Let’s just agree to compare notes come mid-July. This season is going to be a smashing success of a love story just to spite me, isn’t it?

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Bachelorette,Recaps

The Bachelorette Recap: Emily Finds Love in Dollywood

by Melissa on May 29th, 2012

Emily Maynard finally interacts with the “dro” twins, Alejandro and Allesandro, on episode 3 of The Bachelorette. One was definitely worth the wait. In fact, if I get my way, the star of The Bachelor season 17 was born tonight. More on that later. First, we must pick through the drab to get to the awesome.

Speaking of drab, my Tupperware has more personality than Emily Maynard does. You know what I mean, those bowls that have red sauce forever microwaved into their souls and lids that come out of the dishwasher melted and deformed. Emily did show some more spunk this week; however, she has hardly any inflection in her voice and that makes it hard to care about what she has to say. And, I’m not sure how much of it is real “spunk” and how much of it is “entitled princess.” Tupperware = oozing personality. Emily = mostly dispensing “golly” and “y’all,” hair smoothing, and teeth licking.

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Bachelorette,Uncategorized

Bachelorette Recap: “If You Have Louis Vuitton Luggage and You’re a Dude, You’re an A**hole”

by Melissa on May 22nd, 2012

Before Emily Maynard starts her dates this week on ABC’s The Bachelorette, she meets up with friends and family at the park. It’s very important, apparently, for Emily and ABC to remind us that she’s just an average single mom living in Charlotte. At the park, the carpool efforts responsible for getting little Ricki to soccer practice are discussed. The chat is nothing short of fascinating. Eh, I’m lying. The entire segment just reminds me how incredibly dull Emily is.

Next, Chris Harrison explains the dating process to the 19 remaining men. This week, there will be one group date and two one-on-one dates. There is a rose up for grabs on each date. Chris leaves the men with the first date card. Bobble head Chris wants to see his name on that card. There’s suspenseful music. The date goes to Runs with Dog Ryan. The card reads, “Be my King in Queen City.” Kalon is annoyed. Chris is disappointed.

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Bachelorette

The Bachelorette Premiere Recap: Don’t Go Breakin’ My Egg

by Melissa on May 15th, 2012

The eighth season of The Bachelorette vows to be unlike any other. The famewhore making the decisions this season is Emily Maynard. America’s sweetheart, America’s famewhore, same difference. You probably remember Emily from Brad Womack’s second season. Brad’s the frequent-flyer bachelor who handed out roses in both seasons 11 and 15 of The Bachelor. His second attempt at true love ended with him proposing to Emily. Emily accepted Brad’s proposal, but her ridiculously high expectations and naiveté quickly wilted the relationship.

Emily is a single mom. And, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but she was engaged once before Brad. She was engaged to Ricky Hendrick, of NASCAR fame, in 2004. Sadly, on a rainy Sunday afternoon in October of the same year, Ricky boarded a plane sans an ill-feeling Emily. The plane crashed, leaving behind a pregnant Emily. Now, Emily is a single mom looking for true love on The Bachelorette. Even though it didn’t work for her the first time around, she “knows the series works.” Because, you know, that 17% success rate is a great testament of the true love that comes from appearing on The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. I’m obviously grading on a curve, here. I’m including Trista Sutter, Jason Mesnick, by way of U-turn, Ashley Hebert, and Ben Flajnik, who is still collecting money on the deal.

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Alejandro Velez