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Amy Johnson

below deck ben dave amy

Take us back to dock, Jimmy Buffett…”I used to rule my world from a pay phone and ships out on the sea; but now times are rough, and I got too much stuff–can’t explain the likes of me. But there’s this one particular harbor, so far but yet so near; where I see the days as they fade away, and finally disappear.” Thanks for joining us for Below Deck’s final voyage on the Eros, at least for this season. Can we say cray-cray? Thank goodness Captain Lee Rosbach was able to keep is alpha cool among all the chaos!

The episode begins with Amy Johnson and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow warning Emile Kotze that confronting Eddie Lucas about his spin cycle affair with Rocky is a bad idea. Well, Amy is doing most of the warning…Rocky is licking her chops and trying to hide her “my plan is working!” grin. Rocky then asks is Amy is jealous of laundry room liaisons with Eddie given Amy’s long-time crush on the bosun. There’s nothing like salt in the wound, right readers? The confusing charter guests are in full swing. Who are these girls? Why did these two guys who are clearly getting nada from their ladies paying for them to be on a chartered yacht? The girls look at the two primary guests as photographers who can capture their every moment flanked by Emile and Eddie

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below deck kate ben

Last night’s Below Deck was setting the scene for quite an explosive finale, and I cannot wait. I am just sick about the season ending…one might say I’m seasick over it all. I am also sick-sick and popping antibiotics and fighting off a recurring fever, but it’s clear that there was no denying the heat between everyone’s favorite first stew and a chef whose eyebrows don’t scare the living bejezzus out of me! Let’s “dive in,” shall we? Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow needs a friend to talk to, so she finds Emile Kotze to tell him about her tryst with Eddie Lucas, and he’s not even sure how to respond? High five? Congratulations? He laughs bitterly and settles on,”I can’t believe he got it in and I didn’t.” She shares the juicy details (where, how many times, what it was like) and brags that she has evidence on her phone in the form of horny text messages from Eddie. She’s glad Emile is such a great pal who is willing to listen. I’m concerned Emile’s head is going to explode, but he remains loyal to his favorite tease. Speaking of teasing, Ben Robinson questions Kate Chastain about the lingerie she’s wearing, and she coyly details her lacy bra, admitting to going commando elsewhere. 

The charter guests are two real estate moguls and their four pretty girlfriends (that’s right…four). Ben remarks that the women are gorgeous, and Kate manages an awkward smile. In the galley, Rocky tries to have some semblance of a normal relationship with Eddie, but he’s not having any of it. He’s beyond excited to be over with this charter. He’s never been more thrilled to get off a yacht. Not only is my once favorite bosun being unnecessarily mean, Eddie pulls a giant douche move and accuses Rocky of seducing him with the knowledge he had a girlfriend. No. Just no. Last time I checked, Eddie’s loyalty, not Rocky’s, was owed to his girlfriend. Later, he tries to tease Emile over breakfast, but Emile is livid at his superior for stealing his girl. When Eddie doesn’t get a reaction, he starts barking orders with Emile walking out mid-command. Emile and Connie Arias are snipping at each other as they ready the sun deck. A crabby Emile whines about everything, which Connie labeling him a “little bitch.” He retaliates by calling her a whore. He’s such a catch. 

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below deck rhoa emile

“Take a picture, trick, I’m on a boat, b*tch; we drinking Santana champ, ’cause it’s so crisp. I got my swim trunks, and my flippie-floppies; I’m flippin’ burgers, you at Kinko’s straight flippin’ copies.” This Lonely Island song is perfection. No seriously, take a picture. Take one million pictures…and post them all on Instagram! And those copies of which you sing, are they perhaps copies of friendship contracts? Last night’s Below Deck epitomized Bravo’s love of a crossover. Forget the Bailey Agency and wild rice, Real Housewives of Atlanta’s Cynthia Bailey was all about the Eros! 

After the fire that ended Eyebrows McEgo’s reign in the Eros kitchen, chef Leon Walker is out, and Ben Robinson is back in the galley…and in the opening credits! As the crew gets ready for their latest charter, Ben gets all judgy about Leon’s science experiment he called a refrigerator. Connie Arias is all googly-eyed over Ben, but he’s too busy throwing away rotting vegetable to notice. On deck, Eddie Lucas is thrilled to see Dave from season one, and he’s just as adorable as I remember. He’s saving up for his wedding to his equally precious boyfriend, and Captain Lee Rosbach can’t hide his glee at the new addition. Dave is introduced to Kate Chastain, Amy Johnson, Emile, Koutze, and Rocky “Raquel” Dakota Bartlow. Someone quick tell her he’s gay before she tries to make him her next victim!

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below deck rocky 2

“Somethin’ ’bout a boat, sittin’ on the sea; Out there in the wind, floatin’ on the free; Take you ’round the world, bring you back home; Gives a man hope, somethin’ ’bout a boat…Ain’t it crazy how somethin’ seems like nothin’ at all; Take a big old room, make it seem so small; Seein’ windows where there are walls, makes a whole lot of something out of nothin’ at all.” I admit it, these lyrics are in no way indicative of what we witnessed last night, but I love Jimmy Buffett, and he does use the word “crazy” which is applicable!

For the .07% of Bravo’s viewing population that wasn’t convinced that Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is five-star crazy, last night’s Below Deck episode was just for you! It begins with Eddie Lucas putting out the kitchen fire and blaming the issue on Kate Chastain not taking the dirty pans out of the oven. Captain Lee Rosbach oversees the debacle as chef Leon Walker sleeps through the entire event. Kate tries to calm the guests who were awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. The following morning, Amy Johnson can’t believe that Leon isn’t the least bit phased that his galley was up in flames the night before, and Connie Arias is shocked that Emile Kotze didn’t hear the ruckus. Rocky is quick dish to Leon that it was all Kate’s fault as Amy delivers breakfast in bed to the primary charter guest to start off his birthday celebration.

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below deck ryan gosling

“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat! 

As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)

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“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show! 

Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie. 

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below deck dane eddie

“The weather started getting rough,the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Eros would be lost.” Speaking of horrific storms, I can’t begin my Below Deck recap without acknowledging the devastation faced by the people of South Carolina. While Charleston faced lots of flooding (a guy paddle boarded down my street at one point!), residents of the midlands suffered unimaginable losses. Several of my friends were evacuated from their homes, many assisted in rescues (navigating boats through their neighborhood streets), and countless folks lost their homes. Everyone jokes that South Carolina is such a small state–there is only one degree of separation between you and whoever you meet regardless of where they live in the state. Sadly, that means, that everyone knows someone affected by this tragedy. Please continue to lift them up in your thoughts as we pull together to help those who lost everything. 

On last night’s episode, Emile Kotze is befuddled after receiving Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s middle school note, and he confronts Rocky about her immature means of communication. She retorts that she had to write him a letter because he hasn’t been picking up what she’s throwing down…which is massive amounts of teasing that she isn’t interested. Poor Emile retires to his cabin where he’s forced to listen to Dane’s late night phone conversation. Poor Emile just can’t catch a break! The crew is awaiting the charter guests as Captain Lee Rosbach calls Eddie Lucas, Leon Walker, and Kate Chastain to the bridge to discuss their next outing. The main guests are foodie siblings who own a business together. Leon is excited about getting to experiment with new dishes, but Lee is worried about the stormy forecast. In the galley, Rocky is distressed to learn from Connie Arias (via a frustrated and sleep-deprived Emile) that Dane has a girlfriend. Couldn’t he have shared that information with her before he massaged her feet? The guests arrive on board and are treated to a tour, who isn’t quite sure of the romantic dynamics of the newcomers.

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below deck lee

“I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me; on board, I’m the captain, so climb aboard. We’ll search for tomorrow on every shore.” If you’re not a fan of Styx, I’m not sure we can be friends. However, I’ll cut you some slack if you’re enjoying this season of Below Deck as much as I am!

Tonight’s episode begins with the crew socializing on land, and Emile Kotze is overcome with the feelings for Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow. She’s flirting up a storm, but she’s playing the field with both Emile and new guy Dane who immediately pushes his co-worker’s buttons by making fun of a bracelet gifted to Emile by his sister. Rocky stays a few steps ahead of Emile. He missed his golden ticket on their drunken first (and only) date. Eddie Lucas retires to call his girlfriend while Rocky mixes up some whipped cream to coat Connie Arias’ naked body. Chef Leon Walker is amused, to say the least. In his cabin, Eddie is having the same fight with girlfriend Amy who cheated on him last charter season. Amy Johnson is confused by the whipped cream bikini situation, and when Eddie returns to the main deck, he can’t believe the mess. It’s not a frat party! Kate Chastain is playing the role of silent by-stander as Eddie deposits Connie’s underwear on the floor of her room. Kids these days…what are you going to do? 

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