Annie and David

90 Day Fiance Finale Recap: I Now Pronounce You (Doomed)

Not gonna lie, I shed a wee tear last night after the madness of 90 Day Fiance season five drew to a close. What are we going to do with our lives until the next crop of morons is rustled up for season six?!? My husband asked me last night during the three-hour marathon if I “sometimes felt like a bad person?” for watching this train wreck. Um….NO. No I do not, sir! TLC has accomplished the impossible, has it not? It has literally made me feel better about every life choice I have ever made, and for that I am forever indebted.

As mentioned in the previous recap, I’ll only be covering the one-hour finale in short order, but oh boy – is there lots o’ drama in last night’s Tell All to snark on too! Feel free to do so in the comments section, where all snark is embraced and cherished equally. Now, on to the show. In the interest of getting to the good stuff, let’s run down the highlights of each couples’ final moments with us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed with embarrassment at the bras hanging out of people’s backless shirts. It was a journey, people.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Second Thoughts

I have a million and one holiday tasks to do, but damn if I can tear myself away from the drama of 90 Day Fiance – both on the show and on the internet – for even five consecutive minutes to slap a bow on a present. And really, who needs presents when we’ve got the supreme gift of these psychotic lovebirds in our lives for TWO STRAIGHT NIGHTS? Just to clarify, here’s what TLC is doing to us this week: Sunday night was a regular 2-hour installment of 90DF, followed by tonight’s 1-hour finale, followed immediately by 90 Day Fiance: Couples Tell All! You guys – my heart can hardly take it. I’m gonna need to dress up in one of Kentucky-David’s lady mumus and plant myself on the couch for a nice, long cookie coma after this whole mess is over.

In an effort to bring you all of this week’s highlights without having to admit myself into a psych ward, we’ll post a recap tomorrow of tonight’s finale, but not the Tell All. Of course, feel free to snark on ALL of the drama in the comments section in tomorrow’s recap. As we know, there’s no shortage of catastrophic content to discuss! But let’s get through Sunday night’s pile o’ sh*t first. And by that, I mean (in stank order): Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Nicole & Azan, Evelyn & David, Elizabeth & Andrei, and Aika & Josh.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Breaking Point

Molly’s face last night during her fight with Luis is all of our faces every time we watch 90 Day Fiance. I’d call it a mixture of outrage and disgust, with a bitter twist of obsession – feelings I have become one with as a fan of this show. Lest you think my disgust will ever stop me from watching, I have only the following to say: NEVER!!! Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. In fact, if 90 Day Fiance were a foreign dude, I would catfish the hell out of him and marry him on a K1 Visa tomorrow. We would live in a flop house above a fire station for the rest of our days. #TrueLove

Last night, we found out that Thai-David’s kids hate him as much as everyone else does! Annie has a front row seat for the drink throwing, which is served up courtesy of David’s daughter, Ashley. Molly finally calls Luis out on his comments about her kids, but he’s more concerned with her devil-candles. Seriously. Evelyn and David continue to be totally miserable in New Hampshire as they steam-iron the beige underwear they’ll rock on their wedding night. Josh and Aika visit a fertility doctor (snore), and Elizabeth’s sisters try to make Andrei break up with her by stealing her phone at her bachelorette party. These women are not twelve years old, by the way.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Wake Up Call

Attention Morocco! Attention Morocco! Nicole is leaving! And taking your entire GDP of french fries and chicken fingers with her. This week on 90 Day Fiance, Azan must decide whether he can continue pretending to be in a relationship with Nicole as she and May depart for home. Meanwhile, David drags Annie to Kentucky which in most abduction circles is known as “the second location.”

Molly tries for the hundredth time to turn her houseboy into a husband (and stepfather), but Luis isn’t interested. Elizabeth and Andrei change up their wedding plans to further anger her family, Josh admits to Aika that he’s had a vasectomy, and Evelyn tries to talk about S-E-X with David. Spoiler alert: It does not go well. As in, middle-school-health-class bad. Evelyn also takes a trip to the most depressing underwear store you’ve ever seen in your life, which was of course the MAJOR highlight of my night!

90 Day Fiance Recap: Out Of Nowhere

Yesterday was my birthday, and I can think of no better way to cap off the day than with another two-hour episode of 90 Day Fiance, the greatest gift of all. It was a very special sort of disaster last night, as everyone let their freak flags fly just a little bit higher than usual – which for this crew is quite the feat! Briefly summarized, Annie’s David is a drunk psychopath, Molly’s Luis is an immature playboy who likes strippers, Josh still has no upper teeth acts like Aika is his property, Spanish-David is just as smug as Evelyn, and Azan needs to immediately seek government protection/asylum from his domestic abuser, Nicole. In other words, they’re all ready to head straight to the altar!

We begin at Molly’s house where Luis is looking longingly at photos of his home country while Molly calls her dad. She wonders if he’ll even come to her wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle? So far, she can’t even get a hold of him by phone to announce her official engagement. As Molly leaves another message on her father’s voicemail, Luis side eyes the situation. His father is apparently all for this blessed union! So, Luis has a total of two fans: His dad and Uncle Jess. After Luis’s antics at his bachelor party later on, that number may dwindle to one. For now, Luis just tries to convince Molly that her father doesn’t love her because he doesn’t want her to be happy. Because he’s an awesome guy, this one.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Welcome To Real Life

It’s Thanksgiving week, so I think we should all go around the table and give thanks for the blessing of 90 Day Fiance in our lives. I’ll go first: I am thankful for Nicole and Azan’s brutal scene at the gym last night, which inspires me to slow my roll on the gravy Thursday. I’m also thankful that my partner claims he loves me more than 55%, which is apparently the new #RelationshipGoals Azan has outlined. Lastly, I am thankful that we didn’t see too much of Evelyn and David this week, allowing more room for Josh and Aika to introduce themselves a bit more toward the end. A little internet sleuthing will also give you a bit more perspective into Josh and his sordid past – and I highly encourage you all to check out his public arrest record to get to know TLC’s newest criminal suitor (yikes!!!).

Last seen, Luis was asking his fiance’s teenage daughter if she likes to “f**k her boyfriend.” Molly says she’s not okay with this kind of talk, but we’ll see just how deeply that line in the sand is drawn. Annie flies to the U.S. to announce to David’s family that she’s his fiance – because, um, he forgot to do that! But first, we see Andrei arrive on American soil, ready to meet Elizabeth’s family. Who, incidentally, already hate him.

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

O’ Delusion, thy name is 90 Day Fiance! This week, we travel deeper into the rabbit hole of each couples’ fantasy that their Happily Ever After awaits. Except for the fact that Thailand-David is too drunk and broke to keep his bride, Annie, interested long enough to force her on a U.S.-bound plane. Luis is sick of being Molly’s houseboy, and he’s apparently sick of pretending that he is normal. Because he could potentially be the most inappropriate cast member to EVER grace this show (and that’s saying a lot, considering who’s been foisted on us over the years).

Andrei’s visa interview gives Elizabeth the smeary-red-lipstick-sweats. Josh thinks his mail order bride Aika can actually be a model (please refer to alums Paola and Russ for actual video evidence of where this dark journey leads). Nicole and Azan fight over the $3 and half box of doughnuts they have to their names, as well as why veggies are good for you. And Evelyn and David – well, they just continue to suck on every conceivable level, don’t they? We were blessed with another two-hour episode, so my apologies ahead of time for these freaking War And Peace length recaps! (Though they probably have just as much dramatic content. Because, as we all know, this show is pure 14-karat GOLD – and not the Thai-David-layaway kind.)

90 Day Fiance Recap: Family First

The couples of 90 Day Fiance might not be able to see the enormous red flags whipping around in the tornado of their relationships, but that’s what family is for! At least, that’s what Molly’s family is for. But when her father and Olivia double-team to talk some sense into Luis and her, the 90-day lovebirds naively write off their concerns. In Evelyn and David’s case, it’s not family who interferes – it’s Evelyn’s very wise bestie, Mikayla. Instead of listening to to Mikayla’s rational questions about their rush to the alter, David shows that he’s just as awful as Evelyn when he cruelly insults Mikayla, reducing her to tears. Now I must also revoke my stance on David being kinda cool. It turns out he and Evelyn deserve each other. May their joint obnoxious, immature entitlement long-fester and destroy!

Meanwhile, Nicole introduces May to Azan’s family so they can help raise her too and Thailand-David and Annie are propositioned by David’s walking-ATM-friend, Chris – who turns out to be insanely creepy, guys! Aika also arrives on U.S. soil to raise Josh’s self esteem by at least ten bro points, and Elizabeth lands in Ireland to face the Gorgon Andrei. Whew. It was a super-sized two-hour episode last night, so let’s get to it!