You guys we just got through another Vanderpump Rules wedding, and now we’re rushed right into another engagement. I just… don’t… think… I … can… take… it. I am fatigued, y’all. Fatigued! I feel about these weddings the way everyone else on this show feels about their friendships with Kristen Doute. I am wrung out on made-for-TV pseudo-happiness and forever afters.
The latest couple to plod towards the aisle escorted by all the Bravo trappings is Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark. Blah, blah, blah – beautiful proposal, fabulous vintage Tiffany ring (omg – swoon), followed by a fantastic surprise engagement party thrown by Lisa Vanderpump at Villa Rosa which made Brittany Cartwright, former princess bridezilla, jealous. Worth it just for that!
See Brittany is done bride-ing, and is now riding Jax Taylor for the rest of live-long days. She wanted a frog who turned into a prince, but what she got was a frog who turned into an ogre. But at least that ogre can push a lawnmower!
After over a month of Vanderpump Rules episodes leading up to this moment, Beau Clark finally proposes to Stassi Schroeder tonight. The big moment is actually the most Stassi proposal ever, in a graveyard, and filmed by a camera crew, of course.
Most of the cast is invited to celebrate the engagement at Lisa Vanderpump’s house. However, Kristen Doute did not make the cut, yet there’s an empty chair there, for everyone to awkwardly feel her presence. Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright try to comfort Kristen for feeling left out, but something tells me she’s still going to be upset regardless.
Vanderpump Rules fans finally saw the lavish wedding of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright on the show. The duo actually tied the knot in July of 2019. Did you ever think that you would see the words “Jax Taylor” and “married’ in the same sentence?
While the pair have made no secret about their desire to start a family, the timeline for this has changed several times. It turns out that there was a pregnancy pact between Brittany and her Pump Rules co-stars Lala Kent, Katie Maloney, and Stassi Schroeder. Can you imagine all these ladies with babies at the same time? Bravo could have a new show–Vanderpump Rules: The Next Generation.
Will Kristen Doute mend her friendships with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney now that she’s officially done talking about Carter? Well, it’s unclear if she’s actually done talking about him, but she is dating someone. Recently, the news broke that Kristen is dating a guy named Alex Menache. Apparently, he’s a close friend of Tom Schwartz’s.
Unfortunately for us, Vanderpump Rules is a bit behind real life. This means we will probably have to hear a lot more about Carter. Ugh.
During the last episode of Vanderpump Rules, Katie Maloney, Kristen Doute, and Stassi Schroeder had an event for the wine line. It was awkward because Katie and Stassi want nothing to do with Kristen. Oh, and Stassi unknowingly yelled at Beau Clark the night before he proposed to her because of Kristen.
Kristen complained that she was doing everything for the event and even claimed that the three of them “built this business from the ground up.” Girl, you did not. I’m not knocking any hard work the women may have put in, but the truth is that they partnered with Nocking Point Wines, a company that already made the product. They did not create a new business no matter how much input they had at tastings. Sure, maybe they gave some feedback about the label. Yes, they’ve promoted the line on social media. But, no, they didn’t build the business from the ground up.
“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.
And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.
In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.