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Below Deck Mediterranean Recap

Captain Sandy Yawn Below Deck Meditattanean

Last night’s season finale of Below Deck Mediterranean was a tale of too little, too late backhanded compliments. I still think we need a reunion (and I’m super curious about the real reason that’s not happening, but unfortunately I’m not the one in charge over at Bravo) because one of the biggest questions I want answered is why Captain Sandy Yawn turned suddenly on Hannah Ferrier in the last gasps of the season.

Was it just an amalgamation of so many lazy moments that built up for Sandy? Was Sandy tired of feeling like Hannah wasn’t hearing her demands? Was Sandy influenced by Ben Robinson‘s opinion of Hannah?

But, seriously, why is Sandy – on the last day, of the last charter – upset that table is not set at 5am? Meanwhile the deck crew is just twiddling their thumbs. They put the slide up, they take the slide down, you do the jet ski pokey and you shake your whizz all around… Like what guest is going to wake up, and before they’ve had coffee, decide to take a brisk jet ski ride or slip down the slide?

Hannah Ferrier Below Deck Mediterranean

It’s the final charter of the charter season which means we’re almost at the end of the rope for Below Deck Mediterranean. The last charter is a bunch of financial guys from New Jersey or Cali or someplace that breeds tools like it does venereal disease and inflation.

The primary is actually named Randy Madrid. Which is a name no one actually has. It’s a stripper name.  Or what somebody changes their name to when escaping their criminal past or trailer park childhood. Basically, I expect Season 2 of Dirty John to be about someone named “Randy Mardid” who has 6 fake passports and a couple of baby mamas down in Idaho and Louisiana, and drives a mysterious Lamborghini to his computer job in the McDonald’s lobby. Which coincidentally is also where Colin Macy-O’Toole takes his dates.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: The White Gloves Are Off

Not a day goes by on Below Deck Mediterranean without kitchen issues, bad weather and Captain Sandy Yawn throwing a “Sandtrum” – aka, a Sandy tantrum – about something, then getting over it 2 seconds later to direct her wrath at someone else.

Sandy has 2 speeds: hugs and snugs – I love you like bananas, ice cream, and motor yacht docking –  or screams and yells. After a season of flying under the radar, Joao Franco and Hannah Ferrier both finally found themselves in Sandy’s crosshairs. Meanwhile, Travis Michalzik got all the love a Sandy can offer. You know it’s the end of the season when the chief stew and the bosun are in trouble!

High winds are rocking the Mediterranean as fall approaches, which is why it’s a bad idea to book your motor yacht vacation during discount season – especially if you’re prone to seasickness as guest Deana is. She’s literally crawling on the floor, moaning like her entrails are being ripped out. Hannah escorts her upstairs and gently rubs the inside of her wrists to help regain equilibrium. It’s not quite a taint, but Hannah jokes that she assumed her hand job days are over. Are they ever? Especially if one hopes to net a 65-year-old millionaire!

Below Deck Mediterranean Travis Michalzik

In the last dregs of the summer season, the Sirocco continues to slowly circle France and Below Deck Mediterranean chugs on.

I couldn’t even be bothered to remember the names of the charter guests. I’ll just call them “Alcohol Now,” which is the t-shirt the primary was wearing when he boarded the boat. The primaries own some sort of luxury puppy palace. So, explain to me, again, how that makes you rich? Even if your only clients are Lisa Vanderpump and Kameron Westcott things aren’t adding up. But here they are and here we are, watching it all unfold; boringly. I assume the one woman who is allergic to everything under the sun (except alcohol and silicone – clearly) is going to have some sort of attack after accidentally consuming something Ben Robinson accidentally served her.

Either because the specialty plate went to the wrong person when one of the stews (you know it will be Anastasia Surmava) was distracted, or because Ben was so anxious about the burners and the size of the galley that he misread the preference sheet again and prepared something she cannot eat. Anyway the episode ends with this woman literally crawling out of her cabin and collapsing on the floor. Exciting to say the least (to be fair they were sailing through a squall).

Below Deck Mediterranean Colin Macy-O'Toole Captain Sandy Yawn

Last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean was a mess! Messier than Travis Michalzik after making out with his girlfriend, vodka!

First, there are the guests who are so distracted by bragging about who has the biggest menopausal sex drive they forget to eat their dinner until it gets cold, then the primary tattles to Captain Sandy Yawn. Instead of assessing the situation (‘ass’ being the operative prefix!) Captain Sandy hightails it down to the galley to complain to Ben Robinson, who promptly shoves his finger into the pan of risotto and proclaims it hot. PIPING. As hot as Ben’s rage and regret that he once again sold his soul to Bravo: the pirates of dignity.

Ben Robinson returns Below Deck Mediterranean

Tears. So many tears on last night’s Below Deck Mediterranean. JuneJune, Sadness. JuneJuneGladness. Maybe JuneJune staying would not have been so bad, eh. We also saw the long awaited return of Ben Robinson. I have many thoughts about this. Many deep, snarkily pureed and hopefully beautifully executed thoughts.

So Colin Macy-O’Toole is about fall on his sword (anchor?) for June Foster. June has just been dismissed as Captain Sandy Yawn plays chess with inappropriately long hugs and meaningful glances followed up by Free Ice Cream Sunday coupons upon return to Florida. So June is out, Anastasia Surmava is down in the corner as third stew again, and Ben is approaching the boat to save everyone from poor tips.

And Colin, well, Colin is knight in shining armor dreaming of a home cooked pot of mommy’s Mac and cheese. If only he can get untangled from this daggone anchor known as Joao Franco‘s emotional neediness.

Below Deck Mediterranean Colin Macy-O'Toole

Last night’s supersized 90 minute Below Deck Mediterranean was so full of drama amongst the cast that after a while they didn’t even bother showing the guests. Like oh, yeah – those guys. I don’t think we even saw their final dinner, unless I was so distracted by all the cast issues that I blocked it out?

Lord Jesus I have the worst case of concentrationitis right now. I believe that’s called “procrastination” in actual English. Maybe Jack Stirrup is rubbing off on me when he should be rubbing the railings of Sirocco? We’ve all lost our will to carry on here. With three charters left to go, everyone has reached the point in the charter season where they’re in a haze of exhaustion. Most notably, Anastasia Surmava. Anastasia resembles a worn out sponge. Crumpled, and no amount of shoving Spongstasia in the dishwasher can bring her back to her former glory. 

Hannah Ferrier Travis Michalzik Below Deck Mediterranean

Something fishy is going on with Below Deck Mediterranean and with each episode we see the further unraveling of Anastasia Surmava and Travis Michalzik. Anastasia is reminding me of one of those Tudor princesses forced upon a throne she is woefully unprepared to reign; the pawn of warring factions seeking the easiest and most disposable means of domination. Anastasia is a sitting duck … and if she doesn’t watch out she might find herself served (undercooked) for dinner!

I do not understand where these sudden temperature issues have arrived from? Anastasia was doing OK the first couple charters. She assumed the mantle of chef, but now the girl needs to acquaint herself with Mila’s microwave! Or possibly have Captain Sandy Yawn invest in plate domes? Anastasia believes the problem is not with her cooking (No! Never her fault!), but in the 130 feet it takes to migrate food from the sweatshop galley – a literal hovel of doom where chefs go in like lions and out like sobbing mental patients – to the table. Um, how does 130 feet freeze rice?