I apologize for the delay in this recap, but I was suffused in a cookie-filled delirium that included nonstop holiday parties and preparations. With New Years Eve literally on the horizon, followed by our annual (MASSIVE) New Years Day brunch, I keep repeating to myself “Home Stretch!” Which is much like this season of Below Deck!
We are in the home stretch here and things are gonna get worse before they (hopefully) get better. In my case the thing that will get worse is my waistline! Please, please, please let some Good Samaritan break into my house and steal only the cookies, cakes, and other holiday treats before I turn into a marshmallow who roams around just absorbing other sweets until I am taking over the entirety of a grocery store in a mad quest for sugar.
Anyway, on with the show!
This season of Below Deck is a total and utter clusterf–k! The crew isn’t getting along, the guests continue to be disappointed by something each week, and now we can add equipment malfunctions to the lists. Good times!
After Kate Chastain sorted laundry on the crew mess floor in front of Captain Lee Rosbach, who seriously looked on as impassively as if he was an insomniac flicking through informercials at 3am, Ashton Pienaar blows a gasket about how Kate treating the crew so callously has created a culture where no one wants to work with her. Really?
Kate is so upset she bursts into tears and winds up falling asleep sobbing as Rhylee Gerber strokes her back and covers her. Which was sweet. Have we ever seen emotions other than anger for Kate? Have we entered a new dimension?
Last night’s Below Deck was brought to you by booze and the patriarchy, which, as history has shown us time and time again, is a terrible combination. Luckily we had Rhylee Gerber to be a good counterbalance! Well, kinda.
After a short easy charter of moms wanting to relive their glory days chasing
Captain Lee The Grateful Dead, Captain Lee rewards the crew with a mid-season skip day. Usually this means binge drinking at a touristy resort, but Thailand’s added bonus means they get to spend an additional afternoon off at an elephant sanctuary.
So much déclassé about last night’s Below Deck. Also so many jelly fish. Everywhere. Simone Mashile won some and lost some. She seems like such a nice girl, but unprepared to swim in the real world, and the sharks were circling!
Despite the explosive fight Rhylee Gerber had with Ashton Pienaar and Kevin Dobson over appetizers, the crew still decides to hit the bar. I’m guessing since they were arguing OVER APPETIZERS no one even got to the main course. Maybe the reason they all got so insanely drunk was the result of low stomach contents?
Although Rhylee behaved badly, Kate Chastain still sides with her. Why? It’s because Kevin is a giant obnoxious gob of obnoxious gobbiness. To whit, he is screaming nonsense at the bar and so hammered he can barely function.
Ugh – The reign of Ryhlee Gerber has returned on Below Deck, and this is one kind of tyranny I’m not here for. It’s bad enough that the primary, Michael, was literally the creepiest grossest Lifetime Movie lecher of a charter guest there ever was.
Michael kept asking Simone Mashile to go shark hunting (was that some sort of double entendre I’m not getting?) but he should have asked our fishing boat captain Ryhlee. She could speared him and presented him to chef Kevin Dobson on a paleo platter.
Honestly bringing Rhylee back was just so hopelessly insincere. We all know Captain Lee Rosbach would never rehire someone who doesn’t respect her superiors or the chain of command, and the deflated way he defended his decision is all we need to know of his true feelings. With a heavy heart Ashton Pienaar accepts his burden to try and tame Rhylee from an attention-seeking lunatic to a competent deckhand. I mean I’m 100% positive they can find someone hard working (and hot) mid-season, but that person may not ruthlessly destroy a happy team of otherwise deckhands.
It was party like it’s 1999 on last night’s Below Deck. 1999 being the year the charter guests graduated from Florida State’s School of Beerlegience. Aaahhh… reliving the glory days. Gross.
I don’t know why one would pay tens of thousands of dollars to charter a yacht in Thailand with the sole purpose of getting trashed, but then not have the decency to learn how to say “Let’s get lit!” in Thai. So gauche. And seriously these people yelled that approximately every 15 seconds. The mating call of over-the-hill frat boys everywhere!
The other problem is Smashton, aka the alter ego of Ashton Pienaar, the idea for which he stole from Joao Franco. And honestly, you never want to take any ideas from Joao. Smashton shoved his tongue down Kate Chastain‘s throat and that make Kate angry. And you won’t like Kate when she’s angry.
On last night’s Below Deck hair-brained deckhand Abbi Murphy up and left to sail off into her future. Actually it was more like she got dropped off at a random dock somewhere outside of Phuket with a “good luck” from Captain Lee Rosbach. Don’t double-cross this guy!
Mid-Charter Abbi starts having some sort of breakdown over the slide. Which has destroyed the soul of many a deckhand. At that moment, as if her massive red hair parted to reveal a message of clarity: it was time to leave Valor.
Ashton Pienaar is shocked, but probably also relieved. Babysitting Abbi all day was interfering with his ability to manage the rest of his team, but alas, they’ll be down a deckhand on a massive boat. Captain Lee is about the only one who seems upset, mainly because he envisions himself some sort of high seas professional development coach who can whip anyone and everyone into a yachtie.
In beautiful sunny Thailand there is no paradise aboard Valor as the crew of Below Deck fractures at the seams under the misguidance of Ashton Pienaar.
To be fair I don’t know if it’s Ashton being in over his head from a leadership perspective, or like many a bosun before him, culled by the crazy of a green deckhand. Or a redhead. In this case the double-whammy!
Abbi Murphy has essentially decided that leadership and pecking order be damned – she does what she wants! Like getting so wasted she spends the morning vomiting and misses her clock-in time on deck. Abbi thinks working on Valor, for Captain Lee Rosbach, is like being the tortilla chip flipper at Chipotle. You know – it’s totes fine to text your boss half an hour before your shift starts to let them know that you were like partying soooo hard the night before that your mascara is still smeared all over your morning after dress and mixing with tears from vomiting for 2 hours straight. Hotttt!