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Below Deck Recap

Below Deck Charter Guest Brandy Ashton Pienaar

Oh sheesh, last night’s Below Deck was A. MESS. From charter guest Brandy, a literal sea sponge soaked in champagne and leeching everywhere, to Kevin Dobson‘s inability to count, to Abbi Murphys drunken disarray… I don’t know what is in the water over in Thailand, but remind me never to drink it!

So Helen + ‘friends’ are on a beach picnic, slurping down cocktails and fish sandwhiches, taking selfies, and Brandy is so trashed she’s speaking in tongues and seeing apparitions in the pattern of her beach towels. Too bad she didn’t have an epiphany about the evils of gluttony, like Helen advised. 

Kate Chastain Below Deck Drunk GuestOh my Below Deck where on earth do you find these people? I think it’s safe to say that Helen Hoey‘s friend Brandy is not just sipping on the al-al-al-alcohol, but adding in a little something extra. So that’s where chef Kevin Dobson‘s “extra” went!

Helen and Richard are back, pretending to be foodies who are rich and fabulous. They have brought with them a literal motley crew of cougars. Actually, I think these women were Motley Crue groupies back in the 80s. (Psssst… I think even Tommy Lee quit partying… Maybe?)

Below Deck Abbi Murphy

On last night’s Below Deck there was everlasting love, shitty tantrums, and Abbi Murphy‘s hair blowing in everyone’s faces. Most notably Ashton Pienaar‘s!

So we open on the toilet, where apparently chef Kevin Dobson dreams up all his best dishes. To contrast with footage of Kevin counseling himself through explosive diarrhea, chocolate pudding, and the selection of “very slower” progress anti-poop medication, we also see proof that Kevin is a very thorough hand washer. So diphtheria be damned! Good thing too, because some ‘I Do’ popping is the plan for the evening, and if there’s one dinner you can’t fuck up, it’s the one which will set the tone for the primary charter guest’s marriage.

Below Deck Kate Chastain Chef Kevin

Regular old Below Deck is back, they’re terrorizing beautiful Thailand, and Kate Chastain continues to be the best motivational speaker the reality TV world has ever seen. She’s really missed her calling not doing infomercials or pioneering a QVC collection selling stain-proof table linens and clothing that is both practical for scrubbing floors and fish, while remaining reasonably cute, yet wrinkle-proof!

Captain Lee Rosbach has returned to steer Valor into battle, but the battle will inevitably, only, wage on board. Joining Kate and Captain Lee is Ashton Pieneaar, who has been promoted to bosun as a reward for almost dying on Captain Lee’s watch last season.

Captain Sandy Yawn Below Deck Meditattanean

Last night’s season finale of Below Deck Mediterranean was a tale of too little, too late backhanded compliments. I still think we need a reunion (and I’m super curious about the real reason that’s not happening, but unfortunately I’m not the one in charge over at Bravo) because one of the biggest questions I want answered is why Captain Sandy Yawn turned suddenly on Hannah Ferrier in the last gasps of the season.

Was it just an amalgamation of so many lazy moments that built up for Sandy? Was Sandy tired of feeling like Hannah wasn’t hearing her demands? Was Sandy influenced by Ben Robinson‘s opinion of Hannah?

But, seriously, why is Sandy – on the last day, of the last charter – upset that table is not set at 5am? Meanwhile the deck crew is just twiddling their thumbs. They put the slide up, they take the slide down, you do the jet ski pokey and you shake your whizz all around… Like what guest is going to wake up, and before they’ve had coffee, decide to take a brisk jet ski ride or slip down the slide?

Hannah Ferrier Below Deck Mediterranean

It’s the final charter of the charter season which means we’re almost at the end of the rope for Below Deck Mediterranean. The last charter is a bunch of financial guys from New Jersey or Cali or someplace that breeds tools like it does venereal disease and inflation.

The primary is actually named Randy Madrid. Which is a name no one actually has. It’s a stripper name.  Or what somebody changes their name to when escaping their criminal past or trailer park childhood. Basically, I expect Season 2 of Dirty John to be about someone named “Randy Mardid” who has 6 fake passports and a couple of baby mamas down in Idaho and Louisiana, and drives a mysterious Lamborghini to his computer job in the McDonald’s lobby. Which coincidentally is also where Colin Macy-O’Toole takes his dates.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap: The White Gloves Are Off

Not a day goes by on Below Deck Mediterranean without kitchen issues, bad weather and Captain Sandy Yawn throwing a “Sandtrum” – aka, a Sandy tantrum – about something, then getting over it 2 seconds later to direct her wrath at someone else.

Sandy has 2 speeds: hugs and snugs – I love you like bananas, ice cream, and motor yacht docking –  or screams and yells. After a season of flying under the radar, Joao Franco and Hannah Ferrier both finally found themselves in Sandy’s crosshairs. Meanwhile, Travis Michalzik got all the love a Sandy can offer. You know it’s the end of the season when the chief stew and the bosun are in trouble!

High winds are rocking the Mediterranean as fall approaches, which is why it’s a bad idea to book your motor yacht vacation during discount season – especially if you’re prone to seasickness as guest Deana is. She’s literally crawling on the floor, moaning like her entrails are being ripped out. Hannah escorts her upstairs and gently rubs the inside of her wrists to help regain equilibrium. It’s not quite a taint, but Hannah jokes that she assumed her hand job days are over. Are they ever? Especially if one hopes to net a 65-year-old millionaire!

Below Deck Mediterranean Travis Michalzik

In the last dregs of the summer season, the Sirocco continues to slowly circle France and Below Deck Mediterranean chugs on.

I couldn’t even be bothered to remember the names of the charter guests. I’ll just call them “Alcohol Now,” which is the t-shirt the primary was wearing when he boarded the boat. The primaries own some sort of luxury puppy palace. So, explain to me, again, how that makes you rich? Even if your only clients are Lisa Vanderpump and Kameron Westcott things aren’t adding up. But here they are and here we are, watching it all unfold; boringly. I assume the one woman who is allergic to everything under the sun (except alcohol and silicone – clearly) is going to have some sort of attack after accidentally consuming something Ben Robinson accidentally served her.

Either because the specialty plate went to the wrong person when one of the stews (you know it will be Anastasia Surmava) was distracted, or because Ben was so anxious about the burners and the size of the galley that he misread the preference sheet again and prepared something she cannot eat. Anyway the episode ends with this woman literally crawling out of her cabin and collapsing on the floor. Exciting to say the least (to be fair they were sailing through a squall).