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Brett Caprioni

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright

To quote the immortal N’Sync, whose reputation is sullied by an unfortunate association with Vanderpump Rules, “I know that I can’t take no more, It ain’t no lie, I want to see you out that door, Baby bye bye bye.” And yes, I have had enough!

More than enough of Bravo claiming to support human rights and equality, yet, at every turn employing people who are misogynistic, racist, bigoted, and homophobic. I’ve certainly had enough of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright. I’ve never cared about their love. Which seemed about as deep and stable as a damp cardboard box that Amazon left on your porch while you were crashing at your Tinder hookup’s place (basically Scheana Marie‘s version of marriage).

I’ve never had any interest in their greasy, fishy proposal. Or their Pinterest FAILED IT wedding planning. I can’t with Brittany’s increasingly amped up southern drawl and raspy cackle, or the way she douses herself in tequila like it really can kill off STDs (or kill off the lurking knowledge that her marriage to Jax is fake, and that he will always and forever cheat).

Vanderpump Rules Scheana Marie

Love her or hate her, Scheana Marie always works for her life on Vanderpump Rules. Have you seen her intro shot? She is serving that tray! Over the years Scheana has really bared all about her relationships, unlike some people we know. As we venture into Season 8 (!) of Pump Rules it’s become blatantly clear that Scheana is the favorite cast member for producers to troll. Sure, maybe it’s just too easy. But if you listen to Scheana’s podcast, she’s been open about how producers only show her issues with men. They could instead actually show her working on music, her podcast, or her show in Vegas. They’ve also never talked about the fact that Scheana bought a house in Palm Springs. Instead we’re only seeing certain cast members “grow up” (eye-roll), and buy homes, like Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright, Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney, and Tom Sandoval and Ariana Madix.

What we’re seeing about Scheana this season is not good. First, she’s still “working” at SUR. Second, she’s being framed as though she is jealous and insecure over new girl, Dayna Kathan. Third, she’s apparently obsessed with bigots Max Boyens and Brett Caprioni. On last weeks’ episode, we caught a glimpse of some remorse for treating Dayna badly. But perhaps there’s more to the story here.

Lala Kent Vanderpump Rules

There were already a ton of people on Vanderpump Rules before this season. Plus, anytime someone gets into a new relationship, that brings in another new cast member, which has doubled the original cast.

For some reason, production decided to bring in a million new cast members for Season 8. Season 7 was a bit stale, I’m not gonna lie, but we don’t need to “meet” this many people and keep track of their lives. The viewers already have enough on their hands. Or at least Lala Kent thinks so.

Vanderpump Rules Pride Lisa Vanderpump

Last night Vanderpump Rules celebrated the annual SUR rite of passage: PRIDE!

In order to survive in this alternate universe known as Lisa Vanderpump Land, which at this point is indistinguishable from Lisa Frank Land (and one will equally find themselves trapperkeeper’d), one must dress up in rainbow paraphernalia, endure hours of Scheana Marie warbling “Solid Gold” on repeat, and have a hysterical selfish meltdown about their heterosexual relationships while ostensibly celebrating gay rights. This time, for the second year in a row, that prideful accomplishment goes to James Kennedy.

That’s right, bitches, the White Kanye is back and he came to lead his flock in verse and song of rage. And proving that James is here to resuscitate Vanderpump Rules he was even wearing a “Life Guard” man-tank with matching visor, like something out of a Ken Doll box.

James Kennedy - Vanderpump Rules

I’m not gonna lie, I’ve missed watching James Kennedy on this season of Vanderpump Rules. Instead of his antics, we’ve been bombarded by Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s pre-wedding activities, Kristen Doute’s feud with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney, and the 13,534 new additions to the cast.

However, James makes his return tonight, and it’s far from triumphant. Lisa Vanderpump suspects that James had been drinking again, which he probably was. He also gets in a fight with his girlfriend Raquel Leviss. Yes, she’s a cast member now too.

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

When Vanderpump Rules first catapulted into the Bravo lexicon the appeal was that was its off the cuff and unpredictable cast members whose earnestly dysfunctional relationships anchored the show, and served as a highlight to all the other nonsense.

There was a magic in its untested authenticity that was like the early seasons of Real World or Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Before these people realized they were going to become a phenomenon just for showing up. But alas it is now not the case. Lisa Vanderpump has now assumed the role of part Svengali/part David Copperfield; trying to make magic out of thin air and airheads.

It’s not working.

James Kennedy

The bachelor/bachelorette party “fun” continues tonight on Vanderpump Rules; i.e. the cast will continue to get drunk and argue in Miami.

The guys dress up as old men because, well, Tom Sandoval coordinated this party and it’s hilarious.

Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

You guys… I’m losing my patience with Vanderpump Rules. I know, I know – it’s only like the 4th episode, but it’s the 8th (EIGHTH) season of the same drama, with the same cast members largely forced together for the sake of the show.

Would Ariana Madix and Stassi Schroeder have spoken to each other in the last 5 years, let alone still have something to argue about, if it weren’t for this show? Nope, not at all. In fact Stassi likely would’ve moved somewhere else, save for being on TV. Would Kristen Doute still be lurking around, carrying her cloud of dingy destruction, after sleeping with Stassi’s then-boyfriend Jax Taylor, then sleeping with Jax’s now fiancé, Brittany Cartwright? No, absolutely not.

Would Scheana Marie still be working as a waitress at SUR, sexually harassing post-adolescent boys, if it weren’t for Vanderpump Rules? Well, yeah probably. Would Tom 2 and Katie Maloney have gotten married? Not likely. But here we are celebrating the momentous occassion of Jax having been on reality TV for so long that he’s run out of storylines and the only sensational thing that remains is getting married. It’s a sad way to fizzle into obscurity for the man who kept up a lie about sleeping with his girlfriend’s best friend with a woman who happened to be the girlfriend of his best friend, and doing this on the sofa while the boyfriend/bestie was in the next room, passed out. Twice.