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Brett Caprioni

Vanderpump Rules Lala Kent

We celebrated Tom Sandoval‘s birthday on last night’s Vanderpump Rules and the theme was being extra. As if this group even has to try! Hey, at least it wasn’t more wedding nonsense.

Ugh – every time I reach a place where I kinda like Lala Kent, she goes and acts like a horrific ego-consuming monster whose such a bitch that I’m right back to wanting to smash cupcakes in her face. Super fattening, gluten-y, sugary cupcakes. Lala is a wench. A worse wench than Stassi Schroeder ever was in her Stasstrocious heyday. Lala is Jax Taylor bad. She’s also a dry drunk. Someone who has treated the symptom, not the disease. Lala reminds me of Kim Richards, formerly of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, now of never-to-be-published salacious memoir because Kyle Richards will tie your ass up in cord for ad infinitum. Which is also how long it will take Lala to realize that she’s a horrible human being who is still secretly in love with James Kennedy.

Anyway, these are my preliminary thoughts on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

Vanderpump Rules Mid Season Trailer: Jax Taylor Questions Marrying Brittany Cartwright; Beau Clark Proposes To Stassi Schroeder

We are officially halfway through this season of Vanderpump Rules, and so far it has been feuds galore. We’ve had Dayna Kathan feuding with Scheana Marie over Max Boyens. Then Scheana tried to feud with Charli Burnett over Brett Caprioni. Which lead to a feud between Brett and Scheana because he didn’t want to come over for her famous enchiladas. Don’t you ever change, girl.

Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney have banished Kristen Doute from their coven because of her on again off again relationship with Brian Carter. Lala Kent and James Kennedy made up, but James’ relationship with Raquel Leviss is hanging by a thread. Tom Sandoval almost got “Jaxed” from Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s wedding for saying their heads were in the sand about their pastor. So, is the rest of the season this tumultuous, or does Lance Bass step in and save the day for everyone?

Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

Jax Taylor finally got married on last night’s Vanderpump Rules, metamorphosing from Jax to Jason. Even so Tom Sandoval was the true knight in shining armor. Tom had tampons, tissues, White Claw, vodka, an endless supply of giving and support. What did Jax have besides patchy sideburns and a mistaken understanding that getting married does not allow one legal ownership over your spouses breast implants.

Although how fantastic would it be if Brittany Cartwright threw the removed implants on the table at their inevitable divorce trial?! Which from the mid-season preview seems like it’s coming sooner rather than later. The shelf life of an implant is what – max, 10 years? The shelf life of a marriage to Jax Taylor has to be more like 2.2 years. Maybe 2.4 if there’s an extended separation. And probably more like 1.4 if Vanderpump Rules cameras turn off. Marriage Bootcamp only films for 5 weeks.

Anyhoodle, yes, Jax and Brittany finally finally finally made it down the aisle in the unrelenting sun of a Kentucky summer, leaving their guests to wilt and melt in 96 degree weather without any shade. Except for Tom 1 running around holding out parasols. Add that to his list of positives! After all this Jax only gives Tom 1 a B- or C in the best man performance grade.

Dayna Kathan Vanderpump Rules

Suddenly I am interested in the new people on Vanderpump Rules. It’s because of the way the girls react to men treating them like dirt. Initially I was like Dayna Kathan will not last long on this show if she’s dumping Max Boyens at the first whiff of a cheating scandal, because the very basis of this show is the girls (and Tom Sandoval) learning that for months their sigfig has been lying to them and cheating.

I mean, every season without fail there has been a cheating mess involving one of the guys doing the dirty and one of the girls forgiving him after lots of tearful remonstrations and emotional drunk-fests.

Like here we are on the forever precipice (the fall into the abyss of weddings where there literally is no bottom) of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright getting married, and Jax is defining Brittany as the perfect girl for him for one reason and one reason only: she’s the only one who stayed. Every other girl eventually wised up and dumped his cheating, trifling, philandering, narcissistic, manipulating, lying impregnating, betraying, ass. Everyone but Brittany, who wants the wedding in a phony castle and the princess fantasy of turning the beast into a man far more than she wants the man. Um, Brit there’s a reason the Disney movies end with the wedding.

Jax Taylor Brittany Cartwright Vanderpump Rules

OMG is this Jaxney wedding EVER going to happen on Vanderpump Rules?! It is the wedding that never ends. It just goes on and on my non-friends. And people start getting kicked out of it, and recycled back in, and the wedding party never stops growing just because this is the wedding that never ends…

UGH. UGH. UGH. I am fatigued. I am parched. I am drowning in MeeMaw’s beer cheeeaaaze and I need rescuing before I sink into a the quicksand of saturated fat like a Frito left to dip too long.

So yes, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwrights tyrannical wedding continues. Bravo really hates us this season. But Jax isn’t the only one not getting it wright – James Kennedy is also back on the scene, waving around his BabyJax t-rex text arms of rage. Why can’t people leave sweet little unicorn-eyed Raquel Leviss alone? Let her grow some My Little Pony wings and fly into the serenity of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, covered in cotton candy-scented stickers and those magical sequins that shift directions when you pet them. This is where Raquel belongs. Not in a rage-text vortex with her pathologically drunk boyfriend who blames everything on her being too pretty to trust out in the world on her own and being British.

Vanderpump Rules Jax Taylor

Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s wedding is still the main topic of conversation on Vanderpump Rules tonight. Meanwhile, I cannot wait for this to be over.

Jax is still upset with Tom Sandoval for the pastor drama He booted Sandoval from the best man role and disinvited him from the wedding during last week’s episode. Will he change his mind? Obviously, everyone with an Instagram knows this and has seen the pictures. But, will it be without drama? Probably not.

Scheana

The new Vanderpump Rules cast members, Max Boyens and Brett Caprioni criticized Scheana Marie for being “boy crazy.” They’re not the only people gossiping about Schean’s love life though. Then again, this is reality TV, this comes with the territory.

This past summer there were rumors about Scheana hooking up with Shep Rose at Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s wedding in Kentucky. There has also been a long-time rumor about Scheana and Carl Radke from Summer House being more than just friends. They’ve copped to making out and hanging out, but it doesn’t seem like they ever actually dated. Scheana cleared up th rumors about her love life in the Bravo universe.

Stassi Schroeder Vanderpump Rules

Stassi Schroeder has been living her best life lately. Beau Clark, her sweet and funny boyfriend, popped the question in July of 2019. Oh, and he slipped that ring on Stassi’s finger in the most romantic of places–a cemetery. Well, that is pretty romantic to Stassi.

The couple is marrying in October in Rome, Italy. Stassi and Beau are so in synch that they even agreed to sign a prenup. And Stassi is part of a pregnancy pact with Vanderpump Rules besties Katie Maloney, Brittany Cartwright, and Lala Kent. Can you imagine how dramatic it would be with this squad all rocking baby bumps at the same time?