Aaaaahhh… Real Housewives Of Orange County, trying so hard to make your fetch happen. Especially Braunwyn Windham-Burke. It’s like someone at Bravo told her she had to save this show from itself, which would explain the one-wing short of a hooker angel costume she wore to her TEENAGED DAUGHTER’s Fashion Show.
The saddest thing about Braunwyn is that she has all this baggage from a childhood spent with a self-absorbed attention-seeking mother yet she’s replicating the exact same dynamic with her daughter, Rowan. Instead of 7 zany careers, Braunwyn has 7 kids. Instead of painting your entire body tye-dye and calling it the kiss of the goddess, Braunwyn is kissing other women and braying about sex constantly. Yes, Brown Wind, people are finally looking at you, but they’re looking at you the same way they look at your mother: with pity.
There’s been many a times I’ve suffered second-hand embarrassment while watching a Real Housewives show, but last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was officially THE WORST. I was literally blowing a metaphorical whistle at the TV as I witnessed Braunwyn Windham-Burke and Tamra Judge‘s dry-humping. Too much tongue is often a problem on Bravo, but usually in a very different way.
Tamra has the brilliant idea to take a train down to Del Mar, fill plastic penises with vodka, and pass out train conductor whistles to celebrate Shannon Beador‘s 55th birthday party. Cause nothing says middle-age like a drunken orgy!
This trip has historical significance for several reasons: 1) Del Mar is Shannon’s old haunt, from back when she was “fun Shannon,” chugging Andre champagne and stalking surfer dudes; 2) It references the train rumor that so plagued Kelly Dodd‘s indefatigable reputation; 3) Meghan King Edmonds is attending for some unknown reason.
Last night most of the Real Housewives Of Orange County finally escaped Arizona. All that so-called healing got left in Arizona though. In fact the only person who seemed to internalize anything was Kelly Dodd, who also got left behind in Arizona.
Kelly visited her hometown of Scottsdale to hopefully reconnect with her family. Fun fact: I went to ASU, and I have been to The Vig countless times! So that was exciting, and this where Kelly and Mary’s similarities end. Because when Kelly lived in Arizona she was getting arrested as a juvenile delinquent for setting the her catholic high school’s field on fire and brawling with old ladies at the Phoenix Open.
Kelly meets up with her BFFs to reminisce about all the times she drunkenly slapped people. Kelly is the very definition of stunted adolescence. She and Jolie live in an unintentionally Freaky Friday world where Jolie is the miniature adult attending board meetings and organizing the meal schedules for the week. If she just took over the finances…
Watching last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County was like getting hit by the Kelly Dodd train. Her emotions were all over the place. I’m not sure if I blame the drinks or the desert, but all’s well that … Well, I don’t want to say “end,” so, “pauses(?) well,” because Kelly and Vicki Gunvalson have forged peace! Tequila for all!
The episode opens with amazing flashbacks. Like I’m watching a Dateline 48 Hours mystery, which is hilarious, because the backwards clock makes me realize it has only been TWENTY-FOUR hours.
What’s even more amusing is that this is a day in the life cycle of Vicki Gunvalson: lie, deny, blame, repeat… Vicki is angry at Kelly for lashing out at her, but Vicki continuously pokes the beehive with her witchy acrylic nail, then cries cancer when she gets stung.
On the current Real Housewives of Orange County season, Kelly Dodd is dating Dr. Brian Reagan. After announcing their breakup, accusing Brian of using her publicity, and claiming that he cheated on her, Kelly announced her new relationship thirty seconds later.
She is now dating Fox News anchor Rick Leventhal. They even have wedding plans. Well, she does. He, on the other hand, hasn’t even proposed.
It’s mommy issues galore on Real Housewives Of Orange County! Can’t nobody raise a child right?!
Let’s start with Gina Kirschenheiter, who must Uber to the birthday party Emily Simpson is throwing for Annabelle. Then Gina gets there so late the Happy Birthday has already been sung. I thought Gina was actually bringing a used car seat as a gift until she revealed that she’s officially unable to drive until her DUI is resolved, and is actually Ubering everywhere.
As the party wraps up, after Gina treats herself to tiger face paint, she and Emily get to talking about… Gina. Which is all they ever talk about! This time Gina is panicked over how close she came to being arrested in her home in front of her children, and how scaring that would be. Emily likens it to the time she had to be taken away in an ambulance. Which pisses Gina off.
Poor Kelly Dodd–she somehow seems to be the newest target on the Real Housewives of Orange County. Last year at the reunion, soon-to-be-demoted Vicki Gunvalson more or less accused her of doing cocaine. This season, Vicki, Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador are whispering about Kelly allegedly participating in a “sex train”–a term I had never heard of before. Now I will never be able to listen to the song Midnight Train to Georgia in the same way again. Thanks, ladies!
So far, no one from the cast is really defending Kelly, other than Braunwyn Windham-Burke, who let Kelly know that her castmates were gossiping about her. Fortunately for Kelly, she has an outspoken Housewife ally–former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Brandi Glanville. Which may or may not be favorable for Kelly.
Truth and consequences have come to Real Housewives Of Orange County. Everything unfolded when Shannon Beador decided to take Gina Kirschenheiter to LA for a little fun in the California sun, but nothing can keep the storm clouds away. Not even a designer makeover and many glasses of champagne!
You can take the Rail (zing!) Housewives Of Orange County to LA, but you can’t take the tacky Orange County out of them. Leave it Kelly Dodd to throw a big ol’ fit in a fancy restaurant. But to be fair: Kelly was getting it from all ends, just like she says, except it’s not from 8 guys. But, 6 Housewives pulling a train of gossip about her sex life.