Christine Brown

Well guys, last night on Sister Wives we traded tacos and matrimonial entitlement for pink p knit caps and female empowerment. I’d say that’s an improvement, wouldn’t you? While I’m still not on board with this whole “two hour episode” format, I’ll watch Meri Brown uncomfortably support her daughter while Kody bitches about civil rights for polygamists any day if it means Tony is absent. Throw in an overly giddy Christine, less screen time for Robyn, a therapy session with Janelle, and a glass of Malbec, and it’s quite a nice little cozy evening.

In case you missed it, Mariah has purple hair and she’s still as sullen as ever. She’s summoned her mother and Janelle and both are beyond nervous and curious as to the reason behind the meeting. She invites them both to the Women’s March on Washington. I am dying laughing. I feel like knitting pussy hats is the hobby Christine didn’t know she needed. Mariah cites both ladies as being supportive of her journey. Janelle is intrigued and emotional and open to the idea, and Meri is all, um, is this an LGBT thing? Meri feels like this invitation from her daughter is a step in the right direction to fix their fractured relationship.

You know you’ve been waiting with baited breath for this Sister Wives wedding…even if it did happen over a year ago. Timely or not, Kody’s Brown’s hair, Christine’s crazy eyes, and Robyn’s whining did not disappoint. Even Meri smiled a few times! It’s a wedding miracle! Oh, and Janelle was there too, watching as Mykelti and Tony sealed their vows with a freezing kiss. I’m just glad their lips didn’t get stuck together a la that kid and the flag pole in A Christmas Story. Let’s dive on into this mess, shall we?

The Brown family only has an hour to set up for the wedding of the century. Mykelti has all hands on deck (and then some), and Kody is quick to point out that Tony didn’t have to do the 7 am wake-up call. Christine is rocking a Don’t Mess With The MOB (mother-of-the-bride) t-shirt, and it. is. everything. As the seldom seen Brown teens hang decorations, Taunya and the rest of the crew at Bloomington Country Club is second guessing its free publicity.

Surely these Sister Wives paychecks cannot be enough to justify Meri Brown to stick around and mooch money out of her family to purchase a second home for her mother. She just needs to put her house on the market, file for divorce (oh, wait, done!), and move with her mom to BFE Utah to buy her family’s former homestead. Clearly, her bed and breakfast plans were extremely short lived. And what about Christine’s mom? Unlike Meri’s mom, Christine’s mother was willing to run the house in question as a bed and breakfast. Meri is over the moon that her mom wants to move into the home, and, even better, Meri doesn’t have to learn how to run a business of which she has zero knowledge. It’s a win/win…for Meri. This is a wet bar scenario on a much larger scale!

Once again, Meri summons Kody and the wives to her corner of the cul-de-sac, and once again, Robyn, Janelle, and Christine are unsure as to what to expect. Meri announces that her mother wants to move into the house, and Christine is thrilled. Her mom and Meri’s mom could run the bed and breakfast together. Meri then shares that her mom wants to move in and not run the business. Wait, what? Janelle is confused. Meri expects the family to chip in on the house and not make any profit off of it? Yeah, that makes Meri a tad nervous. It’s an expensive undertaking not to make any money. You think?

Y’all, help a sister out…please tell me why TLC insists on dragging out Sister Wives into two hour episodes? The same content could easily be edited down to an hour without scrapping any valuable lip sync footage. There has to be another plural family that wants to risk persecution by having their own show that can air during the second hour. Or, better yet, bring back the TLC flagship What Not to Wear! Alas, it’s not that I don’t love the extra time with the Janelle, Meri, Robyn, Christine (especially Christine!), and crew, but Kody Brown’s hair is such a treasure, it needs to be shared sparingly with the public.

Last night’s episode begins with Maddie and Caleb in town to celebrate her 21st birthday, but she can’t drink because she’s pregnant with the first Brown grandchild. While Janelle and Kody are privy to this information, the young couple has yet to share the news with the rest of the family. Kody resembles a cartoon villain when he’s tasked with keeping such a big secret. The family comes together to toast Madison’s milestone. Robyn explains that polygamists embrace individual birthdays…probably because being one in twenty-something children makes it easy to get lost in the shuffle the remaining 364 days a year!

Y’all, cheers to a fresh 2018! What better way to kick off the new year than with Kody Brown’s lustrous lion mane and TLC’s gift that keeps on giving…Sister Wives! As the kids age, the family has no shortage of cringe-worthy courting and mama drama to last well into the next decade. How exciting is that?!?! There are so many more children to marry off or alienate. Meri and Janelle have yet to run screaming from the cul-de-sac compound. I still haven’t figured out what concoction of happy pills are in Christine’s medicine cabinet. Endless story lines. Endless.

Christine is fixing a feast as the Browns prepare to meet Tony’s family. Kody and Christine are nervous because Tony’s parents speak very little English. In fact, Christine is in full blown panic mode because she didn’t publicly accept Tony when she first met him. What will Tony’s mother think after Christine initially disapproved of Mykelti’s relationship with her son? Of course, now Christine welcomes Tony with open arms, but still…yikes. Tony admits that his mom is freaking out too. It is nerve racking to meet such a big family! Christine jokes that Tony believes Kody has four wives so he can relax while they do all the work. Wait, are we sure he’s kidding?

Andrea Canning took the reigns once again for the final installment of this season’s Sister Wives Tell All. As one would expect, there was a lot of focus on Meri and Kody Brown’s flailing relationship as well as Mariah’s recent announcement. To be fair, it was one of the more honest tell alls from this crew, but is that really saying much? As always, the older Brown children (and Christine’s newfound euphoria) made the rest of the gang much more bearable.

Kody and Meri discuss the pitfalls in their relationship and how Meri had told Kody to quit coming around her house. However, she still wanted him to be available to help her with household chores (that wet bar isn’t going to stock itself!) and engage in small talk. Andrea questions whether Meri banished Kody with the hopes that he would fight for her, but Kody counters that for months she would tell Kody to leave when he’d come around. Andrea attempts to remind them both of why they fell in love in the first place. Meri found Kody to be handsome (of course, those locks!) and dynamic, and he loved how she looked at him with respect and adoration. Christine reminds Andrea that Kody’s main focus is the family, and sometimes it is hard for the wives when they desire their husband’s undivided attention.

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