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Connie Arias

below deck rocky 2

“Somethin’ ’bout a boat, sittin’ on the sea; Out there in the wind, floatin’ on the free; Take you ’round the world, bring you back home; Gives a man hope, somethin’ ’bout a boat…Ain’t it crazy how somethin’ seems like nothin’ at all; Take a big old room, make it seem so small; Seein’ windows where there are walls, makes a whole lot of something out of nothin’ at all.” I admit it, these lyrics are in no way indicative of what we witnessed last night, but I love Jimmy Buffett, and he does use the word “crazy” which is applicable!

For the .07% of Bravo’s viewing population that wasn’t convinced that Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is five-star crazy, last night’s Below Deck episode was just for you! It begins with Eddie Lucas putting out the kitchen fire and blaming the issue on Kate Chastain not taking the dirty pans out of the oven. Captain Lee Rosbach oversees the debacle as chef Leon Walker sleeps through the entire event. Kate tries to calm the guests who were awakened in the middle of the night by a fire alarm. The following morning, Amy Johnson can’t believe that Leon isn’t the least bit phased that his galley was up in flames the night before, and Connie Arias is shocked that Emile Kotze didn’t hear the ruckus. Rocky is quick dish to Leon that it was all Kate’s fault as Amy delivers breakfast in bed to the primary charter guest to start off his birthday celebration.

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below deck ryan gosling

“And if I had a boat, I’d go out on the ocean; And if I had a pony I’d ride him on my boat; And we could all together go out on the ocean, me upon my pony on my boat…And if I were like lightning, I wouldn’t need no sneakers, I’d come and go wherever I would please; And I’d scare ’em by the shade tree; And I’d scare ’em by the light pole; But I would not”…set fire to the mircowave in the Eros galley. We know you wouldn’t, Lyle. We know you wouldn’t. You’re all welcome for my all-time favorite song that references a boat! 

As last night’s Below Deck begins, poor Amy Johnson decides to try on the last guest’s deserted hairpiece until she remembers it was sharing underwear space with Connie Arias’ Britney. Yikes. Speaking of hair, Eddie Lucas flirtatiously comments on Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s straightened locks, as Captain Lee Rosbach listens on in horror. What has kind of web of crazy has his innocent, hard-working bosun found himself trapped? Captain Lee expected better of you, Eddie. Frankly, so did I. Rocky brags about her Eddie hook-up to the ceiling, and the ceiling makes a crack about her being a loose cannon….the remark goes right over Rocky’s head. (I’m so sorry, yet so proud, of that sentence.)

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“Close the laundry door, tiptoe across the floor. Keep your pancho clothes on, I got all that I can take…” I try to start each of these recaps with an epic ode to the sea, but I think I’d be doing all of us (and The Avett Brothers!) a disservice if I didn’t steal the lyrics from one of their sexy times songs. The laundry room was certainly a prevalent setting on last night’s show! 

Oh Below Deck! What an episode! I can’t even. Grainy night vision and text message imagery sure to make The Mindy Project proud? Check. Inebriated antics and a firing? Yes please. Hook-ups I’m still trying to block out of my mind? Yup, and then some! Bless y’all. Last night did not disappoint! The group arrives for twenty-four hours of relaxation at Lubber’s Landing. Once the drinks are served, Kate Chastain enjoys some much needed time away from Leon Walker, as Connie Arias rehashes Dane’s obnoxious behavior from the night before to Eddie Lucas. Connie and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow take to the surf, and both are phenomenal. Connie shares that she used to travel the globe surfing competitively, and it’s evident. Also evident? The fact that Rocky doesn’t own one bathing suit that doesn’t give her a major wedgie. 

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below deck dane eddie

“The weather started getting rough,the tiny ship was tossed. If not for the courage of the fearless crew, The Eros would be lost.” Speaking of horrific storms, I can’t begin my Below Deck recap without acknowledging the devastation faced by the people of South Carolina. While Charleston faced lots of flooding (a guy paddle boarded down my street at one point!), residents of the midlands suffered unimaginable losses. Several of my friends were evacuated from their homes, many assisted in rescues (navigating boats through their neighborhood streets), and countless folks lost their homes. Everyone jokes that South Carolina is such a small state–there is only one degree of separation between you and whoever you meet regardless of where they live in the state. Sadly, that means, that everyone knows someone affected by this tragedy. Please continue to lift them up in your thoughts as we pull together to help those who lost everything. 

On last night’s episode, Emile Kotze is befuddled after receiving Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s middle school note, and he confronts Rocky about her immature means of communication. She retorts that she had to write him a letter because he hasn’t been picking up what she’s throwing down…which is massive amounts of teasing that she isn’t interested. Poor Emile retires to his cabin where he’s forced to listen to Dane’s late night phone conversation. Poor Emile just can’t catch a break! The crew is awaiting the charter guests as Captain Lee Rosbach calls Eddie Lucas, Leon Walker, and Kate Chastain to the bridge to discuss their next outing. The main guests are foodie siblings who own a business together. Leon is excited about getting to experiment with new dishes, but Lee is worried about the stormy forecast. In the galley, Rocky is distressed to learn from Connie Arias (via a frustrated and sleep-deprived Emile) that Dane has a girlfriend. Couldn’t he have shared that information with her before he massaged her feet? The guests arrive on board and are treated to a tour, who isn’t quite sure of the romantic dynamics of the newcomers.

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below deck lee

“I’ve got to be free, free to face the life that’s ahead of me; on board, I’m the captain, so climb aboard. We’ll search for tomorrow on every shore.” If you’re not a fan of Styx, I’m not sure we can be friends. However, I’ll cut you some slack if you’re enjoying this season of Below Deck as much as I am!

Tonight’s episode begins with the crew socializing on land, and Emile Kotze is overcome with the feelings for Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow. She’s flirting up a storm, but she’s playing the field with both Emile and new guy Dane who immediately pushes his co-worker’s buttons by making fun of a bracelet gifted to Emile by his sister. Rocky stays a few steps ahead of Emile. He missed his golden ticket on their drunken first (and only) date. Eddie Lucas retires to call his girlfriend while Rocky mixes up some whipped cream to coat Connie Arias’ naked body. Chef Leon Walker is amused, to say the least. In his cabin, Eddie is having the same fight with girlfriend Amy who cheated on him last charter season. Amy Johnson is confused by the whipped cream bikini situation, and when Eddie returns to the main deck, he can’t believe the mess. It’s not a frat party! Kate Chastain is playing the role of silent by-stander as Eddie deposits Connie’s underwear on the floor of her room. Kids these days…what are you going to do? 

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below deck connie amy kate

Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, when Don gets replaced with a hotter deckhand, it’s Rocky’s perfect dream! After Don Abenante’s departure and Emile Kotze and Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow’s drunkalicious failed date last week on Below Deck, it was time for some new blood. I think the correct term in this situation is “chum.” But beautiful chum, nonetheless!

Last night’s episode introduced us to Dane, and Rocky was all about him. Sorry Emile! Also, perfect, sweet, unassuming bosun Eddie Lucas suffered a hit involving his long-term, long distance relationship. The show begins with Rocky tackling a pile of laundry and dismissing Emile who is now trying harder than ever to win her heart. She needs maturity, experience, and someone who can handle his liquor. Connie Arias decides to jump ship from her cabin with Emile in favor of bunking up with Kate Chastain. Kate is thrilled because she’s much rather share living space with a friend than Don’s unknown replacement. In the kitchen, Emile shares with chef Leon Walker that he plans to head to California to win over Rocky’s family. Delusional, party of one? Leon joins the majority in thinking that Emile is clueless about girls, and Amy Johnson agrees as she hears Rocky’s recap of the date. There is a reason why Captain Lee Rosbach likes to keep yacht crew hook-ups to a minimum.

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below deck emile rocky

“Yeah, never thought I’d be on a boat. It’s a big blue watery road. Poseidon, look at me! Never thought I’d see the day, with a big boat comin’ my way…believe me when I say I f*&$ed a mermaid!” Well, not quite. Right, Emile? I hate to use Lonely Island’s song two weeks in a row (False. I LOVE everything about it), but given the theme of last night’s Below Deck, it was definitely fitting. Plus, who doesn’t love T-Pain? 

The episode begins with Don Abenante douchily (new word?) peacing out on Captain Lee Rosbach and bosun Eddie Lucas. As he leaves the bridge, he summons Kate Chastain on to the deck as Eddie reveals the news to Amy Johnson. Don gripes to Kate about feeling under-appreciated and being called out for something as stupid as a quick ocean dip, and she supports his decision to leave if it’s not for him. Dean is napping while his guests lounge in the hot tub as the the tale of Don’s demise travels through the crew. Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is shocked, Connie Arias is thrilled, and Emile Kotze can’t imagine being a quitter. With Don back on solid ground, Rocky has once again set her sights on young Emile. Sure he’s immature, but that’s how she likes him. Chatting with Amy, Rocky determines that maybe Eddie would be a good conquest as well. Amy reminds her of Eddie’s long-time girlfriend, but Rocky doesn’t care.

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below deck dean kate

“I’m on a boat, and it’s going fast and, I’ve got a nautical themed penis folded afghan…I’m the king of the world on a boat like Lee (oh! Ha!), if you’re on the shore, then you’re sure not me…oh!” Yes, I am a huge Lonely Island fan. Of course, I am also a Below Deck fanatic, and the show has yet to disappoint me so far this season. I just hope I don’t run out of ship-themed intros! 

As last night’s episode begins, the Eros crew has five hours before the new charter guests arrive. True to form, Raquel “Rocky” Dakota Bartlow is bawling on the phone to her dad about how mean Kate Chastain is as a boss. Her dad quickly reminds her that she has a job to do and her boss is there to make sure she does it properly. Amy Johnson sympathizes with Rocky as she was Kate’s punching bag last season. Amy promises to help alleviate any of the tension as long as Rocky is willing to work with her to make sure things get done. Rocky is no quitter, so she dries her tears, makes weird faces at the camera, and sets her sights on doing anything but what is asked of her. Sounds about right…

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