Well, it’s finale time for the very short season of Bravo’s grown up version of Long Island Princesses: Secrets and Wives. I laughed, I cringed, I nearly called the cops on Jonathan Doneson on behalf of women everywhere. And now, I submit one final recap of the show that everyone loves to hate, knowing there are a few hardy souls out there still watching with me! Here we go.
It’s the day after Sandy and Cori Goldfarb’s 20th wedding anniversary party, and both of them are hungover. They discuss Jonathan’s behavior at the party, which was mildly acceptable for the first time this season. Sandy’s behavior, however, was not. At least in Cori’s eyes. She brings up her irritation with Sandy not making a “loving speech” to her at the party due to his drunken state. Sandy argues that nobody else needs to know their “intimate details,” but Cori argues that it was a moment he could’ve shown appreciation for the wife and mother she’s been, but he didn’t.
Meanwhile, Susan is meeting Andi Black for some shopping and defensive maneuvering. When asked about Jonathan’s thumb move, Susan laughs it off. “Jonathan is really comfortable with himself,” says Susan. Andi understands that Jonathan has some good qualities, but she doesn’t know whether to love or hate him at the moment. Well, I’ve got a suggestion: just go ahead and hate the misogynist S.O.B! He already hates all of womankind, so it’s allllllll good, ladies.
Ok, people! I am watching Secrets and Wivesso you don’t have to. You’re welcome! Juuuuust kidding. I know there are one or three of you out there still tuning in to Bravo’s latest “experiment,” so let’s get started on recapping the hot mess of last night’s episode! (I must confess I actually get a kick out of these ladies, God help me.)
At Fire Island, Liza Sandler and bestie Andi Black are waking up in the same bed, per usual, to dogs and gay best friends pouncing on them. Cori Goldfarb and Susan Doneson are having coffee while reliving the night before, during which Susan took a lot of heat from the ladies about her trashy husband Jonathan’s behavior at Cori’s barbecue last week. All four of the ladies finally slap some orange makeup on and gather for breakfast. Not able to apply her own face shellac back in Long Island is Gail Greenberg, who’s left her 1993 light-up makeup mirror at their Fire Island house. How will she prepare for her Glamour Shots session in time!?!?
If last night’s Secrets and Wives revealed anything, it’s that the men in this circle are bloody awful. And the women who love them appear clueless. But when a Fire Island trip brings the women together during which tempers flare, these ladies show how to get over a reality TV fight in 3.5 seconds, which is more than I can say for the Real Housewives of any city on the planet.
We pick up at Cori Goldfarb’s party, where Susan Doneson’s husband Jonathan is making an absolute drunken fool of himself, verbally abusing his hostess with such gems as “Shut the f*k up!” Cori breaks down in tears when Susan is unable to control her attack dog man. While an embarrassed Susan tries to do damage control with the group, Jonathan corners Cori in the kitchen to demand that she “not be upset.” That’s as much of an apology as she’s going to get out of this scumbag for now, I guess. On the ride home, Susan tries to explain how to act like a human to Jonathan while he promptly falls asleep in the cab.
On this week’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies take their friendship, and the last shred of their dignity, to a whole new level of hell, gazing upon Cori Goldfarb’s bare lady parts while she lays spread eagle before them on an exam table – all in the name of Truth + Beauty. A little too much Truth for my taste, I confess.
The ladies gather at Cori’s spa, Truth + Beauty, to experience a day of horror with sketchy consultant “Dr.” Levine. Cori’s client base is basically zero, perhaps because people have heard of the anal relaxing cream that lines the shelves? Or the prerequisite vaginal rejuvenation consultation – with all of one’s closest friends looking on! – that the spa is now known for? The low client base is surely a mystery. Liza Sandler of the thousand botched facial plastic surgeries (seriously, go check out her younger photos on Bravo, then ask yourself: Who is this formerly human girl?) volunteers to be the example of what not to do to age gracefully. Unaware of the irony, Liza poses herself in front of the group while Dr. Levine warns the ladies on using too much filler, or else beware the dreaded trout pout!
On last night’s Secrets and Wives, the ladies decide to drag their sorry, hungover butts to an exercise class the morning after partying in Mantauk, where all is not going well among the delusional divorcees of Long Island. Gail Greenberg is leading the boot camp in her all new young person gear. What she’s asking this workout gear to do cannot be done, i.e. turn back the clock like 30 years. Susan Doneson shows up in black lipstick and raccoon eyes ready to feel the burn, but first she must dish to Cori Goldfarb about how she feels attacked by Liza Sandlerand Andi Black at last night’s dinner. Susan has no sh*ts to give about Liza losing her house to a messy divorce. “You’re 47 years old, aren’t you bored?” she wonders about Liza.
Back in LI, Amy Millerdiscovers her son Max has traffic tickets piling up, but Max brushes her off like dust, just like every other man in her life. Max also makes the executive decision to bring a new dog into her home. You know, because he’s a responsible young man who lives with his mom, doesn’t pay parking tickets, dresses like a bunny, and can’t do laundry. Amy blames Max’s distracting behavior for getting in the way of her relationship with Arthur. I blame Max for making me sigh deep, sorrowful sighs over the state of entitled 20-something manboys everywhere. (Seriously, can we not round them all up and set them adrift until they’re house trained?) Amy fears that Max will turn out just like her ex-husband, Max’s father, who…lives with his mom and can’t do laundry. So, yup.
So, it’s the second installment of Bravo’s experiment with the “real” Long Island friends ofSecrets and Wives, and this time we’re going to be able to tell these dern ladies apart if it kills us! (Or maybe just me.) We start at Liza Sandler’s house where she is waking up in bed with bestie Andi Black, both of whom are in full drag queen makeup. Speaking of queens, Liza’s mother enters the room to compare hair heights with her daughter before Liza and Andi start chatting about Susan Doneson’s sideways remarks about Liza at her party the previous night. Susan basically thinks Liza is a whiner for complaining about moving out of her North Shore palace, as she doesn’t have a job, but does have a hefty divorce settlement coming her way. Liza is not happy with the smack talking, that happened at HER party, in HER yard, at her soon-to-be-surrendered McMansion!
Meanwhile Susan, the only career woman in this circle, is heading to the gym with Amy Miller for a Soul Cycle spin class. They run into Cori Goldfarb at her spa before entering the gym. The concept of “Truth + Beauty,” Cori and husband Sandy’s business, is a “one stop shop” for all your health and beauty needs. It looks like a spa with a poor-man’s gym and Chico’s costume jewelry, but what do I know? Andi joins the ladies at spin class and gets an earful from Amy about her upcoming trip to the Bahamas with her much-derided boyfriend, Arthur. Back at the front desk, Cori is needling Sandy about his “involvement” in the business, which she doesn’t really want much of. After he pretends to know what’s going on for a while, Cori shuts him down with an “I am going to stab you” threat. In the gym, Gail Greenberg shows up in dueling rat-tails and Andi immediately asks her if they can all go for a ladies’ weekend to Gail’s Hamptons home. Gail evades, then sort of nods yes while Susan interviews that Gail goes nowhere without her plastic surgeon husband, Dr. G, who Gail carries around “like one of her Birkin Hermes handbags.” Susan complains that Gail looks down on her. Why? “Because I’m a working girl?” asks Susan, with no irony.
