Dallas

Last night was the season finale of Real Housewives Of Dallas and I’m gonna miss these girls. Well except for LeeAnne Locken. I won’t miss her.

Last night showed us The Rise of The Kam as Kameron Westcott, our tall beautiful starling soared free from the barbed wire nest LeeAnne built for her on the side of a Highland Park mansion. HA — as if LeeANne could afford anything but a bus stop in Highland Park! Well, we know why the caged bird sings about baby elephants, right.

In Thailand, where LeeAnne’s xenophobia reared it’s ugly be-weaved and overly injected head, Kam wrestled with her conscience about whether or not to tell Kary Brittingham that LeeAnne not only called her THE C WORD, but made multiple slurs about her being Mexican. Like that little gem when LeeAnne affected an overplayed Mexican accent and asked Stephanie Hollman if Kary might be able to understand them better if they “spoke Mexican.” Newp – not racist at all!

Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas took me on an emotional journey.  I don’t know who’s more manipulative LeeAnne Locken or Kameron Westcott, but at least Kameron has pretty clothes and can talk about something other than a carny childhood.

LeeAnne is certifiably exhausting and I honestly don’t even want to waste breath (words) on more of her broken-down rusty nonsense. My natural hair follicles are tired! My diva cup is tired! And like Brandi Redmond, my patience is more tired than if I had just spent the day babysitting Brooklyn.

Brandi just wants to eat a freaking dinner without having to endure a tirade of fake tears watering down the cocktails. The best thing Brandi did was totally disengaging from that shit-storm of emotional BS that is Life Of Locken. And the best thing D’Andra Simmons did was sit there, stay the course, and remind us of why we initially liked her. This is a new D’Andra. A D’Andra who recognizes herself in Kameron as the friend who was constantly LeeAnne’s emotional stomping ground, her therapy dog, always on the hook for dealing with the drama. Now D’Andra has been released from this silk purse made from a piece of pleather that was masquerading as a relationship.

You guys LeeAnne Locken is the most exhausting person I have ever encountered! I was literally so drained by her negativity and attention-seeking antics I had to lie down after last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas.

So everyone is in Thailand and addressing the L’Infinity Dress drama that will never end. Just like tales of woe from LeeAnne’s childhood, this dress and this saga have 1000 different reiterations and incarnations including that when LeeAnne was living at the carnival she was training gorillas. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllllllll….

How come in Season 1 and 2 LeeAnne was mostly raised by her grandparents after being abandoned by her mother but now she’s wrangling elephants in an RV? Little LeeAnne … literally raised by animals to be a feral child. I think there’s a famous book about that, turned into a couple Disney movies.. 

Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas headed to Thailand where no amount of Buddhism, zen, or Xanax could mellow out their animosity towards each other.

Truthfully by the exemplary behavior of Stephanie Hollman and Kameron Westcott you’d never know they were ‘surface’ friends! On the 20-something hour travel day Kameron did it up right by handing out gold face masks and Xanax. Therefore no one even remembers being transported to the Thai future on Kameron’s magic pills. I really need to see this adventure animated in technicolor interspersed with the Baby Elephant song as sung by Steve Miller, with the Real Housewives Of Dallas as cult-y back-up singers for the chorus. I imagine it like Like Indiana Jones meets Scooby Doo meets Kameron’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Pajamas.

Everyone was on this wonderland trip except for D’Andra Simmons. She got drug-defying hot flashes as penance for mocking Mama Dee‘s age. And also took a flight sans underwear. BAARF.