Jax Taylor finally got married on last night’s Vanderpump Rules, metamorphosing from Jax to Jason. Even so Tom Sandoval was the true knight in shining armor. Tom had tampons, tissues, White Claw, vodka, an endless supply of giving and support. What did Jax have besides patchy sideburns and a mistaken understanding that getting married does not allow one legal ownership over your spouses breast implants.
Although how fantastic would it be if Brittany Cartwright threw the removed implants on the table at their inevitable divorce trial?! Which from the mid-season preview seems like it’s coming sooner rather than later. The shelf life of an implant is what – max, 10 years? The shelf life of a marriage to Jax Taylor has to be more like 2.2 years. Maybe 2.4 if there’s an extended separation. And probably more like 1.4 if Vanderpump Rules cameras turn off. Marriage Bootcamp only films for 5 weeks.
Anyhoodle, yes, Jax and Brittany finally finally finally made it down the aisle in the unrelenting sun of a Kentucky summer, leaving their guests to wilt and melt in 96 degree weather without any shade. Except for Tom 1 running around holding out parasols. Add that to his list of positives! After all this Jax only gives Tom 1 a B- or C in the best man performance grade.
We will finally be put out of our misery tonight! We finally get to see Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright get married on Vanderpump Rules tonight! This whole season has been leading up to this wedding and it’s finally here. Praise Mamaw.
Of course, their wedding will have some drama. Kristen Doute and her non-boyfriend [Brian] Carter get into a heated exchange at the reception and most likely end up hooking up after anyway. Stassi Schroeder starts to wonder if she and Beau Clark will ever get engaged. Spoiler alert: they will.
Suddenly I am interested in the new people on Vanderpump Rules. It’s because of the way the girls react to men treating them like dirt. Initially I was like Dayna Kathan will not last long on this show if she’s dumping Max Boyens at the first whiff of a cheating scandal, because the very basis of this show is the girls (and Tom Sandoval) learning that for months their sigfig has been lying to them and cheating.
I mean, every season without fail there has been a cheating mess involving one of the guys doing the dirty and one of the girls forgiving him after lots of tearful remonstrations and emotional drunk-fests.
Like here we are on the forever precipice (the fall into the abyss of weddings where there literally is no bottom) of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright getting married, and Jax is defining Brittany as the perfect girl for him for one reason and one reason only: she’s the only one who stayed. Every other girl eventually wised up and dumped his cheating, trifling, philandering, narcissistic, manipulating, lying impregnating, betraying, ass. Everyone but Brittany, who wants the wedding in a phony castle and the princess fantasy of turning the beast into a man far more than she wants the man. Um, Brit there’s a reason the Disney movies end with the wedding.
OMG is this Jaxney wedding EVER going to happen on Vanderpump Rules?! It is the wedding that never ends. It just goes on and on my non-friends. And people start getting kicked out of it, and recycled back in, and the wedding party never stops growing just because this is the wedding that never ends…
UGH. UGH. UGH. I am fatigued. I am parched. I am drowning in MeeMaw’s beer cheeeaaaze and I need rescuing before I sink into a the quicksand of saturated fat like a Frito left to dip too long.
So yes, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s tyrannical wedding continues. Bravo really hates us this season. But Jax isn’t the only one not getting it wright – James Kennedy is also back on the scene, waving around his BabyJax t-rex text arms of rage. Why can’t people leave sweet little unicorn-eyed Raquel Leviss alone? Let her grow some My Little Pony wings and fly into the serenity of a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper, covered in cotton candy-scented stickers and those magical sequins that shift directions when you pet them. This is where Raquel belongs. Not in a rage-text vortex with her pathologically drunk boyfriend who blames everything on her being too pretty to trust out in the world on her own and being British.
Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s wedding is still the main topic of conversation on Vanderpump Rules tonight. Meanwhile, I cannot wait for this to be over.
Jax is still upset with Tom Sandoval for the pastor drama He booted Sandoval from the best man role and disinvited him from the wedding during last week’s episode. Will he change his mind? Obviously, everyone with an Instagram knows this and has seen the pictures. But, will it be without drama? Probably not.
It was very obvious that Scheana Marie was jealous of new Vanderpump Rules cast member Dayna Kathan. Most people assumed that was because Dayna was hooking up with Scheana’s former flame Max Boyens, but Scheana says that’s actually not the case.
She actually does admit there was some jealousy there, but it’s not for the reason that everyone (myself included) suspected.
Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was a doozy. I thought last week was bad, but well, I should’ve known better.
Why on earth does Jax Taylor think it’s a punishment to be kicked out of his trashy-ass wedding? He’s horrific so not being associated with that wad of human filth – a literal hairball pulled out of a 50 year old drain who isn’t even inviting his OWN MOTHER to his wedding – is the best thing that could possibly happen to a decent human being like Tom Sandoval.
Also Ariana Madix is the only person on Vanderpump Rules who truly understands with a toxic cesspool it is. It is the drain! The drain where a thousand strands of hair that wouldn’t pass a drug test and the dead skin of dead souls collects into an impenetrable mass that just traps a person there. Ariana is realizing that she’ll barely escape alive. That she is one scowl and a Hot Cheeto and tequila sundae away from turning into Katie Maloney, marrying a man she detests to prolong the only thing that pays her enough to buy a track home in the way-out Valley.