Dolores Catania

Our apologies, Italy. Please don’t judge us based on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey visiting your fair country! As the ladies storm into Milan, breaking glasses and acting like a$$es, Danielle Staub finally goes, well…Danielle Staub on everyone. Having no more stale cake to metaphorically drag around, Siggy Flicker decides it’s time to up the ante by calling out Margaret Josephs on her Hitler remarks. Dolores Catania tries to ride the very sharp fence of loyalty to Teresa Giudice and Siggy, while Melissa Gorga pretends to be an entrepreneur as she scours the fashion houses of Milan for feather boas and plunging necklines. Envy needs some sh*t on its shelves, after all.

After packing montages where everyone discusses what an epic disaster the trip is bound to be, we cut to the ladies landing in Italy in one piece. Marge is just glad no one has breathed a word about the Posche fashion show, but Melissa thinks it’s nuts that no one’s discussing the elephant – or in Kim DePaola’s case, the leathery lizard – in the room. In the van on the way to their hotel, Dolores asks what the agenda is? Ladies, it’s time to channel your inner Beyonce and get in Formation! The teams shall be: Siggy/Dolores, Margaret/Melissa, and Teresa/Danielle. It will be a six-women-enter-five-women-leave situation, a la Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome. (Except set in a swag hotel rather than a dusty mosh pit.)

Like rhinestone cowgirls, The Real Housewives Of New Jersey formed a posse and sought street justice at the Posche Fashion Show. Ahh. It feels like old home week! That warm holiday spirit just fills the air when grown women decide to throw things at each other by way of Kim DePaola’s annual event honoring her strip mall boutique. While Teresa Giudice, Danielle Staub, Margaret Josephs, and Melissa Gorga went head to head with Kim, Siggy Flicker and Dolores Catania stood by, hoping not to get grazed by an airborne chair/glass/plate/flat screen TV.

But first, Margaret needs to redecorate her house. Interior designer Joyce comes over to take a look at the 1960s projection screen and ballrooms-turned-dining-turned-living-rooms. Joe the contractor is apparently not keeping up with Marge’s needs – at least outside of the bedroom. Marge and her mumu want changes NOW! Yes, there will be velvet on the walls! There will be bedazzled curtain rings! And Joyce promises it will be finished before Margaret returns from Italy in two weeks. Also, Margaret wants Joe to know about Kim D and all of her wily ways, as if Joe the contractor gives a flying fig about this phantom menace.