So last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey welcomed Teresa Giudice back into the land of tequila with minimal drama (that’s saved for next week!). Margaret Josephs does her best to be relevant, and while I really like her, she’s sinking down to a level she shouldn’t…or maybe she’s required to–this is reality television after all! Thankfully the kids scenes were kept to a minimum. I know several readers didn’t appreciate my snarky request not to snark on the kids, but we can all agree we are here to snark…I just like keeping it to the adults who signed up for this circus! As always, thank you for reading, and now, let’s get to slinging super bronzed snark!
The RHONJ episode opens with the ladies and their families prepping for their day a la Southern Charm’s formula. Teresa is sharing her very tiny wardrobe for the upcoming bodybuilding competition with daughters Audriana, Gabriella, and Gia. Audriana calls it like she sees it. The outfit is gross and is certainly going to go up her mom’s butt. Teresa shares that she was nervous to tell incarcerated husband Joe Guidice that she was participating in such an event due to his jealous tendencies. She’s relieved that he is not only supportive, but he hopes she wins. Realizing she can’t change her mother’s tiny-weeny-bikini choices, Audriana remembers the ol’ “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mantra and models some seriously killer poses her mom should use on the catwalk.
A very huge thank you to The Marvelous Mrs. Mary for covering the Real Housewives of New Jersey recap last week when I was traveling for my day job. She always calls it like she sees it, and these women require a lot of attention. Finally, Teresa Giudice seems to be getting along with sister-in-law Melissa Gorga and Jackie Goldschneider, the newbie who broke Tre code early on in the season. Jennifer Aydin is still harping on Jackie’s stupid article in the wake of her trip to Turkey. Give it up, already! Does anyone even read this paper they keep mentioning? Sheesh. Even Margaret Josephs has sunk below the fray with her recent comments about Jennifer’s brother’s engagements. Can’t we all just get along? No. I know the answer will always be “no.”
That said, I’d give my eye teeth to watch a Dolores Catania/Danielle Staub smackdown to energize this RHONJ lull! If we can’t have that nugget, I guess I’ll settle for a Marty Caffrey/Joe Benigno Italian grinder seasoned with a Joe Gorga voice of reason. For dessert? A heaping portion of Milania Giudice’s rap debut–mad props to her for having the guts to perform in front of all of those people! I’m full…but these folks are FULL OF IT!
Hi there I’m guest recapping Real Housewives Of New Jersey and it has been so long since I’ve written about this show I practically forgot how dysfunctional Teresa Giudice is! (Almost, but not quite!)
Last night was all about family values as Jennifer Aydin returned to Turkey to celebrate her brother’s engagement. THen, Teresa made amends with Jackie Goldschneider.
As Jennifer packs for TWO WHOLE DAYS away from home she worries if she doesn’t schedule Bill Aydin’s quality time with the kids, he’ll forget they exist. She’s probably also worried that he’ll forget she exists! Or worse – won’t miss her presence…
I’m not saying that Real Housewives of New Jersey is recycling old storylines and creating manufactured drama, but I’m not NOT going to say that. I guess it’s the curse of all of the long-running franchises, but sheesh! Joe Gorga, spend time with your dad. It will appease your sister Teresa Giudice. And she’ll go easier on your wife Melissa Gorga. However, what will become of your wife’s storyline if this happens? Also, newbies, stop trying so hard to be relevant. The pot stirring, the Chanel obsession, the article writing! Jackie Goldschneider and Jennifer Aydin are overachievers in this department. I guess they learned from watching the likes of Dolores Catania and Danielle Staub (except for the writing part). Exhausted, party of one here!
Back from Bimini, the women are easing back into their daily Jersey routines which includes coffee for Margaret Josephs and lots of screaming kids for the others. Dolores is still harping on ex-husband and roommate Frank Catania for omitting his whole “I got disbarred” conversation from their narrative. Across town, Jackie is lunching with Melissa who is stressing over the party she’s throwing for her son Joey’s first communion. Haven’t the Gorgas learned to keep their drama out of the church, especially where Joey is concerned? Jackie questions the status of Melissa and Tre’s relationship. Then, Melissa shares they two reconciled in Bimini. Jackie reveals that she’s sought the counsel of Dolores, but she’s not yet willing to extend the olive branch. Melissa hopes that Jackie will make her life easier by being the bigger person. Obviously, she knows she can’t count on Teresa for that!
On last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey Danielle Staub finally got her happily ever after…at least for a few months. The ladies wake up to the beauty of Bimini, and Teresa Giudice and brother Joe Gorga are finally getting along and bonding over some dumbbells. How appropriate! Margaret Josephs and husband Joe Benigno are also in tropical bliss. Melissa Gorga has foregone the weights for tanning oil to prep for Danielle’s bride squad photo shoot. Everyone is still reeling from Danielle’s comments about soon-to-be husband’s Marty Cafferty’s children. Margaret warns Joe to tread lightly if the guys take Marty out for some pre-ceremony bro shenanigans. Teresa calls Dolores Catania who isn’t the least bit sad she’s not included in nemesis Danielle’s big day. After hearing the previous evening’s dinner drama, she wonders if Danielle will even make it down the aisle.
Danielle is micromanaging her photo shoot, and I feel terrible for her beautiful daughters. The former housewife is disappointed that her tribe of bridesmaids isn’t constantly at her beck and call. Marge is concerned about being a girl that loves cheese in a group of skinny Minnies, and Danielle is peeved when Margaret refuses to take off her lacy pants. Thankfully she’s distracted by her desire to have a Baywatch strut photo and begins screaming out orders for that.
Last night we received a small reprieve from all the Gorga in-fighting on Real Housewives of New Jersey While Teresa Giudice still carries resentment for her sister-in-law Melissa Gorga, she has honed on Melissa’s volunteer mouthpiece Jackie Goldschneider. In case you didn’t hear her the first fifteen times she said it, Jackie isn’t scared of Tre. Teresa isn’t without her own henchmen thanks to loyal Dolores Catania and Danielle Staub, whose diva demands are finally making the show watchable, IMHO. Margaret Josephs “can’t even” with the bridezilla, which sucks for her since she’s the Matron of Honor. I am digging on Marge, Junior this season, for sure!
Margaret is hosting a brunch on her Studio 54 set in hopes of bringing back those positive vibes from last season…or two seasons ago…or five…wait, she just wants croissants. Melissa and Jackie are stewing over Tre’s ridiculous claims that wives should control their husbands about all things non-penitentiary related. Tensions are running high as Teresa arrives. Dolores has her friend’s back, but she’s hoping for a drama-free event as she’s really enjoying Melissa these days. The women joke about Danielle’s stripper fueled journey to monogamy, and Dolores cringes over being in the same room with her nemesis.
Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, we were reminded of why Danielle Staub is basically the worst – and that she’s truly in her element while on stage with men gyrating all over her. Since that’s exactly what the ladies served up for her bachelorette party, we got to see the many faces of Danielle go from full on rage to frightening glee all within a 30 minute timeframe. Even though Margaret Josephs was the ambassador of Danielle’s dreams, all she had to show for it at the end of the episode was a huge party planning bill and a chewing out.
Margaret was also put in charge of buying penis straws and dildos for Danielle’s big night. So we find her in the store looking for the “classy” items Danielle would approve of. Ahh…’twill be a night to remember! They shall celebrate Danielle’s last night of freedom in style before her marriage to Marty Caffrey, which will last approximately 4 seconds before restraining orders and divorce papers are filed. But who’s counting?
If the Real Housewives of New Jersey haven’t been banned from the fly-over states, it’s a corn shucking miracle! Poor Oklahoma is still dealing with the weaves and wackiness from last week’s episode as the ladies head off to a tense dinner. Margaret Josephs is happy to hear that Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga seemed to have smoothed over their argument…although Tre is unaware of how riled up Joe Gorga is after hearing Melissa’s rehash of the nasty breakfast. At the restaurant, Jennifer Aydin is talking about her ginormous house. She has to have an extra “wife” to cook and clean her seven bedroom house. She even has cameras in every room and she does random bag checks before the nanny heads out for the evening. Jackie Goldschneider finds it frighteningly hilarious that Jennifer trusts the nanny with her children but not with her collection of Chanel.
To change the subject, Margaret enlists the ladies in a game of two truths and a lie. Her statements: she used to fool around with her high school gym teacher, she’s only done cocaine once, and her ex-husband used to lock her in a closet when she made him angry. The women are surprised to hear her lie was the gym teacher. They can’t imagine feisty Margaret putting up with that in her marriage. No one believes Dolores Catania when she states she had sex with her ex-husband/roommate Frank Catania last week. Jennifer goes for shock value with tales of playing the submissive to her bestie’s dominatrix, getting a butt lift, and pooping herself in traffic. She was lying about the butt lift. Jennifer was wild before she met her ultra-conservative husband.