Last night was the season 2 premiere of The Real Housewives of Melbourne. Unfortunately, we had to say goodbye to the doctor’s wife, Andrea Moss. Two new wives are added to the crew this season: Gamble Breaux and Pettifleur Berenger! Good to know the insanity of names like the Apples and Pilot Inspektors of the U.S. have made their mark on the Aussies. I have never heard of Gamble or Pettifleur as I’m having a baby in a few weeks and have scoured the web for names and haven’t seen these at all. Not.Even. Once. Okie!
Chyka Keebaugh, Lydia Schiavello and Jackie Gillies meet for lunch and oy vey, they are already starting with the references about Lydia’s sex life and her newly dropped weight. Chyka asks how much coffee she is drinking and gross, here we go! Lydia responds that she drinks 8 cups (that’s a crap load of coffee per day IMO) and her heart is pounding and she quickly quips that she likes to get pounded all day. The waiter stops by the table to take her drink order and she shares that she likes wet p****es…but only as the drink and.. just STOP already! Day one and I can’t handle the superfluous sexual remarks coming out of Lydia’s mouth. Barf.
Speaking to E! News about season two, Jackie shared, “If you’ve seen season one my friend, I certainly have not changed anything. I always keep it real, I’m always very straightforward. I could probably swear a little less. It sounds much nicer in another language, like I usually swear in, but when you swear in English it sounds a bit more, uh, bloody awful.”
We begin with Lydia Schiavello and Andrea Moss having coffee and I squirm watching these two in cahoots about hating on everyone. They’re not even mean girls, they’re just bored and don’t have anything else to do. Lydia gets on the horn and calls Janet to be like, “why they he’ll you going to Gina’s fundraiser??!!”. Janet, who’s had enough of this fighting, is all, “I’m over bagging Gina”. Lydia and Andrea can’t handle that answer. Nope. They continue to berate Janet into not going and then blame their phone crashing for having to end the convo. Good for Janet! She’s over it (who isn’t at this point??!!) and is going to Gina Liano’s event regardless of Lydia and Andrea’s stupid reasoning.
Shopping sprees abound on this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne!!! Janet Roachand Chyka Keebaugh head out to pick up a few cocktail dresses and cha-ching! Their personal stylists have it the jackpot. As they add dress after dress, each one about $2K each, I’m getting majorly jealous – I don’t even wear anything that needs to be dry cleaned these days, let alone a magenta pink Swarovski dress. Meanwhile, Gina Liano meets up with Melbourne’s version of Patti Stanger and is looking for a new man in her life. Gina does meet the criteria of a millionairess so we’ll see how that goes later on.
Ugh, I’m starting loathe the Lydia scenes. We’re now in Lydia Schiavello’s kitchen as she is strangely oohing and ahhing over her maid, Joanna’s peeling technique of vegetables. Lydia actually has the audacity to say that since she’s had hired help for the past 20 years, she’s forgot how to clean. Say what??!! Just stop Lydia. Lydia found Joanna on the street in front of her house a few years ago and now they are best buds. Joanna also picks out Lydia clothes because Lydia has no idea where anything is. Huh? I don’t think Joanna is her best friend in the sense you and I have best friends. I think Joanna is her best hired helper. That seems more up Lydia’s alley.
After some internet/cable snafus with my new house, the Real Housewives Of Melbourne recaps have returned! So I’m catching up from the last couple of weeks. Bear with me people.
Lydia Schiavello is paying a visit with her old girlfriend, Lisa. Lydia spilled the beans about the crazo beach weekend with the ladies. Lisa has been depraving herself of carbs since in utero and now is busy running her company while her husband retires. Lydia absolutely cannot imagine going to work full-time while her husband, Andrew stays home. The thought of it!! While Lisa discusses with Lydia about her intensely stressful week (raising capital, running the company, etc.), Lydia chimes in with, “Well, as long so you stay sexy for your husband”. Huh? Wha??? Lisa is all, “It was so nice to see you and I just don’t have any friends like you!” (Backhanded compliment). Lydia is an idiot.
On this week’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne, Chyka Keebaugh has invited all the ladies to a much-needed beach getaway. Jackie Gillies and Lydia Schiavello kick things off with a shopping spree to stock up on zebra-patterned caftans from a nearby caftan specialty boutique (these exist). Lydia models a modest Grecian dress and a Jackie steps out in a teeny, tiny leopard-print mini spandex dress and aptly pokes fun at herself by saying she looks like “a stick with big tits”. Ha! Meanwhile, Lydia can only muster, “Oh Wow” (remember, she is just sooooo articulate) the entire time they shop.
Andrea Moss finishes up her packing, ensures her nanny has the 735-point checklist and off they go to airport where the group will be taking private helicopters to Queensland for their vacay. Surprise, surprise Gina Liano is late. Again. Janet Roach is about to cut a b*#%h if Gina doesn’t arrive in like 5 seconds. Gina rolls up (how many colbalt blue dresses can one have in their wardrobe anyway??!!) and is hoping everyone is chill for the trip.
Opening today’s episode of The Real Housewives of Melbourne is Lydia Schiavello in class at her Interior Design School in Melbourne. I’m already excited because I’ve realized over these past few weeks that Lydia’s footage is priceless. I can’t help but think that she could be the least intelligent of ALL the Housewives franchises, trying to pawn herself off as smart and sophisticated. It’s pure joy at this point listening to the idiotic things that pour out of her mouth. Even Alexis Bellino knew she wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed.
It’s already terrible as Lydia basically tells the professor how do his job, how he actually admires HER, how “cute” her little classmates are and how she goes on a completely other route than what the assignments are because, well, she can. She states her design is classical, contemporary, eclectic and timeless. What the?? Those four words in one design statement are all over the friggin’ place. I’m starting feel as if she just spews out words and doesn’t even know what they mean. You know, if they are big words then I’m getting Lydia feels she sounds intelligent. This is hilarious watching her struggle to appear like she knows what the heck is going on.