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Jeremy Madix

Jeremy Madix

As Ariana Madix’s brother, her roomate, and the man who saved SUR from burning down, Jeremy Madix has been on Vanderpump Rules for a while. For the most part he was just there, working hard at SUR or turning up at a party, and then all of a sudden he became a story line- and not for a “good” reason.

Billie Lee told Stassi Schroeder and Kristen Doute that Jeremy asked her out on a date and they warned her that Jeremy is “creepy.” Then we were blessed with some unseen footage from Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney’s wedding reception with Jeremy attempting to make a move on Stassi. Ariana’s man Tom Sandoval confronted Kristen, Stassi, and Katie about the accusations, and then we didn’t really hear from Jeremy after that. Sure, we saw the date with Billie, but they just left that story line behind. It’s understandable since there are 959548484847 people on this show, but it still feels unfinished.

Tom Sandoval 'proposes' to Tom Schwartz

While Tom Sandoval was giving Tom Schwartz an ‘I promise you an eternity of booze’ ring, Jax Taylor finally yanked the bandaid off and dumped Brittany Cartwright on last night’s Vanderpump Rules.

All it took for Jax to reach this inevitable conclusion was cheating with a friend, several screaming fights, a threatened moved to Florida for a fake job, a meltdown that nearly got him fired, meddling friends, a fake first date with a fake crush, the return to an abandoned identity, and one reiki instructor who fled to Africa! I mean would you stick around for the fall-out of that mess? 

Jax Taylor Flips Off SUR

I’m beginning to worry that Tom Sandoval and Jax Taylor have been on Vanderpump Rules for so long they now need hearing aids in addition to emotional crutches, because overnight Jax has turned into a crotchety old man with a hearing problem waving his finger around and complaining about bad kids with a turn up problem.

Everyone is still in Mexico (apparently a purgatory of all reality TV eternity) where Kristen Doute is flinging drinks at James Kennedy and Lala Kent, you know because they need a cold shower and to cool off. Or possibly for Raquel Leviss‘s sake. Or perhaps Kristen thought James’s bronzer was too intense? Actually that’s just James’s naturally perfect skin (I am obsessed and so jealous. It is PORELESS like a Noxema ad from 1992).

Whatever Kristen’s reasons for tossing a perfectly good cocktail has absolutely nothing to do with Kristen believing that James started a rumor that they hooked up. A rumor that Jax, not James, actually started and which James denied several times. James adds the only way he would’ve said anything of the sort is if he was drunk and joking.

Kristen Doute

Did I miss something on last night’s Vanderpump Rules? Did James Kennedy admit to hooking up “just a little” with Kristen Doute? Even more curious – did the cameras actually miss James and Kristen drunkenly hooking up?!

What I think I observed was a drunken game of telephone. Or whatever it’s called in the iPhone era. Probably something to do with Snapchatting and then sharing Snaps that were deleted and how you thought you were sexting your boyfriend SUPER ROB when in fact you were sending a disgraced Nigerian prince $300 to get his crown out of hock and on a plane to LA to bar tend into his future at SUR. I mean this could finally be the man for Scheana Marie!

Anyway! Using delightful time lapse, the episode opens hours early with Stassi Schroeder sitting on a beach with Katie Maloney and Kristen. The sand is soft and fuzzy – just like their drink-addled memories from every day the night before.  

Stassi Schroeder Discusses Who’s Winning & Losing During This Season Of Vanderpump Rules

Every single cast member is really going through it during the current season of Vanderpump Rules. From making out with (and doing even more than that) with people outside of their relationships to arguing about pasta, almost every cast member has done something to instigate some backlash (and meme formation) from the fandom.

That’s why it’s tough to say who is “winning” this season. In a way, this could just go to the person who’s had the least amount of screen time because it would be someone with less opportunity for internationally televised embarrassment. Then again, not getting screen time, wouldn’t qualify as a “win” to most reality stars.

Brittany Cartwright

I’m so tired of hearing about Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright‘s pathetic relationship. I’m so tired of it that I’m actually in agreement with Tom Sandoval on the matter: Brittany stupidly chose to stay with Jax knowing he’s a low-down, dirty scoundrel, so leave her alone to stew in her own Kentucky fried juices.

I personally think Brittany loooooves laying on that accent, thick as a beer cheese dipped chicken wing, and playing damsel in distress. Not to the guys – Jax already rescued her from a Hooters farm in ‘tucky – but to the girls on Vanderpump Rules. They see it as their responsibility to rescue Brittany. Maybe because those that can’t do a decent relationship, try to micromanage other’s disaster relationships. Or maybe they know they’re all a lost cause but sweet, innocent Brittany of the slow blinking My Little Pony eyes and Dr. Pepper flavored Bonne Belle chapstick – they can save her from the Jaxing that destroyed Stassi Schroeder and so many before (and during and after) her! 

Stassi Schroeder Says New Boyfriend Beau Clark Gets Along With Her Ex Jax Taylor; Brittany Cartwright Would Not Stay With Jax If He Cheats Again

The fact that Brittany Cartwright is dating Jax Taylor and she is good friends with Jax’s most significant ex-girlfriend, Stassi Schroeder, is something that will never cease to entertain me. That’s why I was happy that the two of them joined Andy Cohen in the clubhouse to discuss Vanderpump Rules on Watch What Happens Live.

The two dished on Scheana Marie’s constant chatter about her now-ex-boyfriend Rob Valletta, Scheana meddling in Brittany’s relationship, and Stassi’s new man Beau Clark.

Jax Taylor

Remember in the beginning when the cast of Vanderpump Rules had actual goals? Future careers and the like into which they hoped to nestle once their debauched days at SUR (and their sex appeal) passed? Suddenly Jax Taylor is one of those people – those realists. Except now, instead of it being the right thing, it is oh-so very wrong. Because what of the future of bartending for life on reality TeeVee?

I personally think a spinoff in which Jax ventures out into the real world – getting up for work everyday, pulling his shit together, really working that reiki would be interesting. Apparently I am alone. Because friends before future, bro!

In the SURvile community of Vanderpumpian Forever Kids we are STILL celebrating Jax’s 308th birthday. The leprechaun of eternity has already danced his jig at Hooters, but now Brittany Cartwright, who is just so exasperating, has planned a group trip to Playa del Carmen. Play, play away forever young (at heart) in the Mexican sun. There’s two things wrong with this: 1) Jax doesn’t deserve it. He’s horrible to Brittany; 2) He doesn’t even want to go. Instead he wants to stay in LA and wallow in his midlife crisis. Especially in his reiki instructor’s arms.