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Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap: Orange Theory

So last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey welcomed Teresa Giudice back into the land of tequila with minimal drama (that’s saved for next week!). Margaret Josephs does her best to be relevant, and while I really like her, she’s sinking down to a level she shouldn’t…or maybe she’s required to–this is reality television after all! Thankfully the kids scenes were kept to a minimum. I know several readers didn’t appreciate my snarky request not to snark on the kids, but we can all agree we are here to snark…I just like keeping it to the adults who signed up for this circus! As always, thank you for reading, and now, let’s get to slinging super bronzed snark!

The RHONJ episode opens with the ladies and their families prepping for their day a la Southern Charm’s formula. Teresa is sharing her very tiny wardrobe for the upcoming bodybuilding competition with daughters Audriana, Gabriella, and Gia. Audriana calls it like she sees it. The outfit is gross and is certainly going to go up her mom’s butt. Teresa shares that she was nervous to tell incarcerated husband Joe Guidice that she was participating in such an event due to his jealous tendencies. She’s relieved that he is not only supportive, but he hopes she wins. Realizing she can’t change her mother’s tiny-weeny-bikini choices, Audriana remembers the ol’ “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mantra and models some seriously killer poses her mom should use on the catwalk.

 

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap:

A very huge thank you to The Marvelous Mrs. Mary for covering the Real Housewives of New Jersey recap last week when I was traveling for my day job. She always calls it like she sees it, and these women require a lot of attention. Finally, Teresa Giudice seems to be getting along with sister-in-law Melissa Gorga and Jackie Goldschneider, the newbie who broke Tre code early on in the season. Jennifer Aydin is still harping on Jackie’s stupid article in the wake of her trip to Turkey. Give it up, already! Does anyone even read this paper they keep mentioning? Sheesh. Even Margaret Josephs has sunk below the fray with her recent comments about Jennifer’s brother’s engagements. Can’t we all just get along? No. I know the answer will always be “no.”

That said, I’d give my eye teeth to watch a Dolores Catania/Danielle Staub smackdown to energize this RHONJ lull! If we can’t have that nugget, I guess I’ll settle for a Marty Caffrey/Joe Benigno Italian grinder seasoned with a Joe Gorga voice of reason. For dessert? A heaping portion of Milania Giudice’s rap debut–mad props to her for having the guts to perform in front of all of those people! I’m full…but these folks are FULL OF IT!

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With many Real Housewives shows on the decline with drama (looking at you Orange County and Atlanta), the New Jersey ladies have really come through for the viewers when we needed it most. Season 9 is the show’s best season in years. It’s not even over yet, but I cannot wait for the Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 9 reunion. Then again, I really don’t want it to end. I’m torn.

Who am I kidding? The reunion is going to be a screaming match. I’m so here for that. As of this moment, we don’t know exactly what they argued about discussed, but we did get some sneak peaks at their looks thanks to social media. I just want to know if anyone wore Jovani!  Or is that more of a New York City Housewives move? Spoiler alert: there are A LOT of sequins. Oh And spray tans, of course.

Melissa-Gorga-St-Martin Melissa Gorga

Real Housewives of New Jersey cast member Melissa Gorga loves a good photo op. This is especially true when she can rock clothes from her store Envy and/or when she’s with her husband Joe Gorga or their three kids. Of course, she took some photos during their recent family vacation in St. Martin, combining all of those aspects.

Side note, it’s a little confusing whether it’s St. Martin, St. Maarten, or Sint Maarten. Whatever the correct spelling is in the United States, we all know where she is and what I’m talking about. Anyway, I’ve digressed, but just wanted to jump ahead of some anticipated comments.

RHONJ-Teresa-Giudice

Hi there I’m guest recapping Real Housewives Of New Jersey and it has been so long since I’ve written about this show I practically forgot how dysfunctional Teresa Giudice is! (Almost, but not quite!)

Last night was all about family values as Jennifer Aydin returned to Turkey to celebrate her brother’s engagement. THen, Teresa made amends with Jackie Goldschneider.

As Jennifer packs for TWO WHOLE DAYS away from home she worries if she doesn’t schedule Bill Aydin’s quality time with the kids, he’ll forget they exist. She’s probably also worried that he’ll forget she exists! Or worse – won’t miss her presence… 

Teresa Giudice’s Family Vacation In Jamaica- Photos

Real Housewives of New Jersey OG Teresa Giudice recently vacationed in Jamaica with her family. She spent the holidays away her daughters Gia Giudice, Milania Giudice, Gabriella Giudice, and Audriana Giudice. Teresa’s father Giacinto Gorga aka Nonno joined the family in Jamaica as well.

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap:I’m not saying that Real Housewives of New Jersey is recycling old storylines and creating manufactured drama, but I’m not NOT going to say that. I guess it’s the curse of all of the long-running franchises, but sheesh! Joe Gorga, spend time with your dad. It will appease your sister Teresa Giudice. And she’ll go easier on your wife Melissa Gorga. However, what will become of your wife’s storyline if this happens? Also, newbies, stop trying so hard to be relevant. The pot stirring, the Chanel obsession, the article writing! Jackie Goldschneider and Jennifer Aydin are overachievers in this department. I guess they learned from watching the likes of Dolores Catania and Danielle Staub (except for the writing part). Exhausted, party of one here!

Back from Bimini, the women are easing back into their daily Jersey routines which includes coffee for Margaret Josephs and lots of screaming kids for the others. Dolores is still harping on ex-husband and roommate Frank Catania for omitting his whole “I got disbarred” conversation from their narrative. Across town, Jackie is lunching with Melissa who is stressing over the party she’s throwing for her son Joey’s first communion. Haven’t the Gorgas learned to keep their drama out of the church, especially where Joey is concerned? Jackie questions the status of Melissa and Tre’s relationship. Then, Melissa shares they two reconciled in Bimini. Jackie reveals that she’s sought the counsel of Dolores, but she’s not yet willing to extend the olive branch. Melissa hopes that Jackie will make her life easier by being the bigger person. Obviously, she knows she can’t count on Teresa for that!

Real Housewives Of New Jersey Recap

On last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey  Danielle Staub finally got her happily ever after…at least for a few months. The ladies wake up to the beauty of Bimini, and Teresa Giudice and brother Joe Gorga are finally getting along and bonding over some dumbbells. How appropriate! Margaret Josephs and husband Joe Benigno are also in tropical bliss. Melissa Gorga has foregone the weights for tanning oil to prep for Danielle’s bride squad photo shoot. Everyone is still reeling from Danielle’s comments about soon-to-be husband’s Marty Cafferty’s children. Margaret warns Joe to tread lightly if the guys take Marty out for some pre-ceremony bro shenanigans. Teresa calls Dolores Catania who isn’t the least bit sad she’s not included in nemesis Danielle’s big day. After hearing the previous evening’s dinner drama, she wonders if Danielle will even make it down the aisle.

Danielle is micromanaging her photo shoot, and I feel terrible for her beautiful daughters. The former housewife is disappointed that her tribe of bridesmaids isn’t constantly at her beck and call. Marge is concerned about being a girl that loves cheese in a group of skinny Minnies, and Danielle is peeved when Margaret refuses to take off her lacy pants. Thankfully she’s distracted by her desire to have a Baywatch strut photo and begins screaming out orders for that.