Last night was the weirdest, most insanely random episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills ever! This is RHOBH without a common enemy to direct all their wrath and delusions onto. I dunno — I loved it!
Dorit Kemsley shows up in a redneck tuxedo to Denise Richards‘ house to drink double vodka tonics at 2 in the afternoon and talk motherhood. (Denise had water since she had to pick her daughter up from school) Ha! Motherhood was about 2% of their conversation the rest was all Lisa Vanderpump. Denise liked Dorit immediately when she met her, and found her very warm and kind. That’s Dorit’s ruse — everyone feels that way about her. Initially.
Denise counsels Hollywood neophyte Dorit about handling close friends betraying you to the tabloids. When Denise was going through her divorce she actually used to run sting operations on confidantes by sharing something with them to see if it would wind up in the press, and that was how she knew who was a true friend. Despite LVP ruining her reputation, eviscerating her belief in friends, and making her question all of humanity, Dorit still wants their friendship back. Denise believes that – with time – Dorit can eventually forgive her.
Every week I tune in to Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and every week I say, “Please let there be no more Lucy stuff… Please let the dog crap be pooper scooped and done with… NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs!” Aaaaannnd every week my hopes are dashed!
The episode opens with 24 hours later. Kyle Richards is at dinner with the rest of the girls. They are on the edge of their seats as she fills them in on being screamed at by Ken and thrown out of Villa Rosa after accusing Lisa Vanderpump of planting the tabloid story.
The women are shocked by Lisa’s reactions. Really? “That’s not friendship,” scoffs Erika Girardi, “that’s bullshit.” Does Erika have friends she doesn’t pay to stuff her into latex and other “pat the puss” endeavors? How would she even know the difference between friendship and bullshit? And to that I say, it is bullshit that Kyle barged over to her s0-called friend’s house, a day before her birthday, to accuse her of lying. BULLSHIT.
Let’s be honest (sorry, super fans): Lisa Vanderpump gets a completely different edit on Vanderpump Rules than she does on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. On Vanderpump Rules, Lisa is the sweet mentor who has given these “waitresses” golden opportunities
that they don’t deserve. On RHOBH, she is constantly called out for being a puppet master.
At this point, I don’t get why Lisa would even bother with the bull shit on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when she can just pop in sporadically on Vanderpump Rules. That role just seems way easier to me. Anyway, it has to be so weird knowing Lisa as a cast member on one show and watching her on the other. Recently, Vanderpump Rules stars Stassi Schroeder and Lala Kent weighed in on the Lucy Lucy Apple Juice saga.
Season 9 of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills certainly has focused on one issue—what happened to Lucy Lucy Apple Juice. We all know that Dorit Kemsley and her husband, PK Kemsley, violated their adoption contract with Vanderpump Dogs by re-homing Lucy rather than returning her to Lisa Vanderpump’s organization. Lucy nipped the children and PK, so it is understandable that Dorit had to make some hard decisions. But Dorit had previously returned a dog to Vanderpump Dogs, so she should have known the rules. Somehow poor Lucy ended up in a kill shelter. If only Dorit had read the contract that she signed, or just given the dog back, all of this would have been avoided. And we would instead be speculating about why Harry Hamlin is spending so much time in the Canadian wilderness without wife Lisa Rinna. (Sorry, Rinna!)
Dorit and PK are under mounting financial pressure, so it isn’t shocking that they didn’t pay Vanderpump Dogs the $5,000 fee for violating the contract. “Puppy gate” has rippled through the entire RHOBH cast. Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave says that Lisa instructed employees John Sessa and John Blizzard share information about Dorit’s dastardly deed with Teddi. Kyle Richards believes, along with every other Beverly Hills Housewife, that Lisa leaked the story about Dorit to the press.
Lord this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is making me reach for the CBD oil faster than Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave can turn on a friend and spin on a bike!
It all ends badly, but we start out lovely by watching Denise Richards and Aaron Phypers open their wedding presents. I wished we could’ve seen them unwrap the tequila from Dorit Kemsley, but alas Dorit probably ‘conveniently forgot’ the wedding gift, just like she conveniently forgets to tell her so-called close friend that she gave her dog away to a woman she kinda knows, or doesn’t know, or is an associate of PK’s or is you know, a shelter named A Very Lovely Random Woman.
Lisa Vanderpump’s empire just keeps on growing! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills OG and Vanderpump Rules star just opened up the Vanderpump Cocktail Garden in Las Vegas.
The event was very Lisa with touches of pink everywhere for the big opening. Lisa’s husband Ken Todd was there, of course. So were their two kids Pandora Vanderpump and Max Todd. And once again, I’m wondering why they have different last names. But I’ve digressed. Pretty much everyone from the Vanderpump Rules cast was there. Even Lisa’s beloved dog Giggy. However, there was only one Real Housewife of Beverly Hills at the opening.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills episode Denise Richards got married under the paparazzi while Lisa Vanderpump got divorced from the rest of the cast over the paparazzi. You know, just another day in LA!
Of course, this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is about a dog while having nothing to do with a dog. It’s about so much more than that, obviously, but the prevailing thing is that I can’t rally behind the unraveling of something which attempts to paint Dorit Kemsley (who’s one step away from taking her phony accent and tacky clothes to debtors prison) as the victim. She’s not, no matter how many times Dorit asks, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall: whose the most victimized of them all?” Obviously, the mirror always answers Lucy, but Dorit routinely pretends not to hear things she doesn’t understand or like.
Tonight Denise Richards marries Aaron Phypers on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, and since they planned the wedding in like 10 days (or more specifically 48 hours) there’s obviously some drama!
The biggest drama being whether or not this wedding will actually ever happen. Denise is so late half the women leave — which was probably not what the producers wanted. They probably hopped all the downtown by the open bar would lead to plenty of hysterics and a revival of Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave whipping out text messages from a toddler to accuse Lisa Vanderpump of manipulation. Yes – still talking about Lucy In The Shelter With Microchips! (#BeatlesReference)