Last night's Couples Therapy went like – Ghostface Killah went to the booty market, Kelsey Nykole stayed at home. Taylor Armstrong had fillers and vodka, Farrah Abraham had fillers and rum. And Jon Gosselin went boo hoo hoo all the way home. Only, the end is only wishful thinking on my part. Jon boohooed but never went home. Because, paycheck. The dude needs money to pay child support buy hair gel and smokes.
From last week, Kelsey just stormed out of a therapy session she was sharing with Ghost and Latrice. So Taylor sniffs out the drama and follows Kelsey because the delusional fruitcake seems to think she's one of the therapists. Dr. Jenn Berman, who isn't much better than Taylor, appears and reminds Kelsey that she doesn't need crumbs of Ghost's love. Kelsey says she's done with him but wants to apologize to Latrice.
Kelsey doesn't have any reason to apologize, in my opinion, but she has more class and empathy in one of her hair folds than Ghost has in his entire body. She tells Latrice that she wouldn't have let Ghost into her world had she known she was his side piece, adding, "Not sure what Ghost has told you, but we was developing something." A devastated Latrice wonders if she will be able to trust Ghost after this. Huh? Really, girl?
Last night on Couples Therapy the brilliant professionalism that is Dr. Jenn Berman explored *gasp* secrets. Secrets soooo big, and soooo deep, and soooo like secrety that the cameras had to be turned off on Farrah Abraham so Farrah could secret in secret. And also scrunch up her face while stage whispering, aka cry.
Other than that, Ghostface's secret girlfriend Latrice came to the house to discover that Ghost also has a secret girlfriend named Kelsey. In the world of Ghost this is just how he gets his mack on, in the world of the rest of us, Ghost should just give up the ghost and accept that he's a middle-aged man with a midlife crisis. Oh, did I say that out loud? Cause I wish Dr. Jenn would have! Basically what I'm saying here is that last night's Couples Therapy was about one singular sensation who no one would ever date and one menage-a-trois dysfunctional relationship. So like where the couples at?
No one likes Farrah.I mean of course not – she makes condescending snarky comments to everyone, walks around with her fake nose in the air, and acts like it's all their faults she's a liar. Also everyone sees through her. Taylor Armstrong slurs that the "floral skirts with ballet flats aren't fooling me." Exactly how is Taylor getting sloshed every night "therapeutic"?
Day eight in theCouples Therapy house begins with group therapy with Dr. Jenn Berman. Today's topic is sex. So, naturally, I expect a full hour of sex tape shenanigans featuring Farrah Abraham. Yeah, not so much. The next two days oftherapyrevolve around Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter and Ghostface Killah and Kelsey Nykole.
But first, we do hear a little bit fromJon Gosselin and Liz Jannetta, as well as Farrah. Taylor Armstrong is either too sober (and boring) or too traumatized (green towels) to score a speaking part this week. Whatever. Not hearing about Taylor and John's sex life is A-OK with me, especially since we have to revisit last week's drama, Jon masturbating. On camera. Like his Plus 8 aren't quite damaged enough already.
Jon has changed his story. Last week, he was only scratching himself. (not that anyone believed) This week, he was planning a party for one. Kind of like, last month, Jon despised media attention. (not that anyone cared) This month, he's masturbating on VH1. The only constant coming out of Jon Gosselin's mouth – everything is Kate's fault. Forever butthurt, this one. Farrah, too. Literally.
Have you heard? There's a new show called Farrah's Therapy on VH1. It's a cross between Teen Mom Horror Story and Couples (Table For One) Therapy. The star of the show universe, Farrah Abraham, pretends to cry, makes ugly faces, and blames all of her problems on the strangers living in her house, as well as her parents, while a doctor by the name of Jenn Berman enables her.
Seriously, if VH1 wanted to cash in on the tragedy that is Farrah, why not just create a new show around her? Porn Stars Therapy or Celebrity Liars Rehab?
But I digress. It's day five in the Couples Therapy house. Sada Bettencourt and Whitney Mixter watch Backdoor Teen Mom and come to realize it's not a homemade sex tape. Not even close! It's a fully produced porn film. Whitney says she's not judging the Teen Mom star for having sex on camera, as she's been there, done that – but she has zero patience for Farrah's "sex tape" lies.
In the latest issue of In Touch Weekly, Jon regales us with tales of what a terrible mother Kate Gosselin is and now wants to fight her for custody of their sextuplets. This all comes weeks after Kate dropped a lawsuit against Jon claiming he stole information from her that was later used in a purported tell-all expose that accused her of being obsessed with fame and abusing her eight kids.
"They live in fear of Kate,” Jon claims of the nine-year-old sextuplets. “Every time I see them, they tell me they want to live with me.” In a recent Today Show interview, Jon and Kate's twins Mady and Kara refused to answer questions and displayed some serious animosity towards their mom. “It was horrible to watch,” recounts Jon.
Oh Couples Therapy – Whew! Where does a girl begin breaking down this mess? I mean, I need therapy after watching it, but real therapy not of the Dr. Jenn Berman 'lemme stroke your F-list ego' variety.
Taylor Armstrong rendered me paralyzed by laughter for a full 10 minutes while I watched her epic meltdown over "pea green towels" and the lack of acceptable lattes at the mansion. And that's where we begin. With Taylor and John Bluher exercising their right to tantrum.
Taylor goes Oklahoma on Dr. Jenn's staff until they give her permission to call the doctor herself and complain. Immediately upon getting on the phone Taylor goes from OK to Hawaiian sunset as she calmly but snootily explains that filet mignon is a necessary requirement for her life. "I can't live like this," she whines. "It's like a joke." Yes – it is exactly like a joke except we're all laughing at you, not with you.
Lest Taylor forget about all her financial problems – lady you were hawking fake Birkins to pay for legal bills.
To kick things off, Dr. Jenn informs us that Farrah's life is chaotic. So I'd like to inform Dr. Jenn that Farrah's chaos has been meticulously planned out by Farrah the Famewhore. Hold the Fame. Meanwhile, Farrah complains to Taylor about being stood up by her boyfriend-for-hire, Brian Dawe. Farrah assumes Taylor couldn't possibly understand how hard her life is because her divorce was – and I quote – probably like so easy. "I filed for divorce, then I found him hanging," shares Taylor. "So not so easy." Farrah's like, fine your life is hard, I guess, but I'm done with you. Good night. Taylor tells the camera that Farrah is the most self-absorbed person she has ever met. #PotMeetKettle