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Jorge and Anfisa

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If you were Jorge (not that I’d wish that on my worst enemy), at what point would you perhaps think, “Hmm, maybe this sham of a marriage isn’t quite working out?” The thought certainly didn’t enter his mind when Anfisa shut down his phone, keyed his car, made him sleep in the garage, physically assaulted him, or threatened divorce. But on last night’s 90 Day Fiance, Jorge does have a moment (like, a single second) of clarity after Anfisa kicks him out of HIS OWN APARTMENT mere days before her green card is issued.

In Ohio, Danielle accuses Mohamed of being a gigolo. But he’s too busy on the prowl for American victim girlfriend number two. Russ and Paola continue to be a sad mess – as do Chantel and Pedro. And in riveting news, Loren and Alexi shift their focus from talking about strippers to crying about Tourettes.

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The couples of 90 Day Fiance have done what might seem impossible to the average, everyday Joe. They travel to distant lands to find each other, fall in love, navigate complication governmental red tape, and learn about each other’s cultures while spending a harried 90 days engaged. Then they get married and file restraining orders on each other. It’s a modern day fairy tale, people! If the tale ends in domestic battery or on an episode of Snapped, that is – especially if you’re Jorge & Anfisa or Mohamed & Danielle. Although Chantel & Pedro, Loren & Alexi, and Russ & Paola are slowly descending into the pit of terrifying dysfunction with each passing week as well.

After admitting “a little bit of debt” – or tens of thousands of dollars – Jorge doesn’t understand why the bride he paid for is upset. Sitting like a stooge at the table after Anfisa walks off, Jorge finally skulks out to drive her home. Anfisa wants a post-nuptial agreement so she doesn’t bear responsibility for Jorge’s financial mess – a mess that he’s been lying about since day one. She also looks like she wants to murder him on the drive home. She feels like she’s been swindled, agreeing to marry a man of means who would provide a certain lifestyle. Instead, she’s stuck in a one-bedroom apartment with a guy in a Kohl’s shirt.

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What looks like a live, painful, very slow train wreck and rhymes with Beyonce? Yep! It’s 90 Day Fiance!!! The show whose producers should win Emmy’s for their casting prowess alone. To you loyal fans out there, I’ve missed you! And if you’re new here, stick around – because this is the best show on television that you accidentally watched, then immediately became addicted to. Promise. The concept? Single Americans meet the “loves of their lives” overseas, then drag bring them to the U.S. on a K-1 fiance Visa, which requires couples to get married within 90 days.

This season picks up with couples who’ve already gotten married under the K-1 system, showing us where they are now and how married life is suiting them. Or in Danielle and Mohammed’s case, how potential jail time/insane asylum commitment is shaping up. Spoiler Alert! They still win Best In Show for being the most dysfunctional couple to have EVER graced the 90 Day Fiance franchise – although Jorge and Anfisa are giving them a run for their money. (Wait? What money? Never mind.) Also joining the herd this year are Loren and Alexi, Chantel and Pedro, and Russ and Paola. Hey, TLC: We demand you unearth Mark and Nikki from the pit wherever he’s keeping her too! Maybe next time.

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Well, we’ve come to the bittersweet end of season four’s 90 Day Fiance, gang. It’s hard to believe it was mere months ago that Anfisa was shutting down Jorge’s phone all the way from Russia – and things haven’t changed much since! Except, now Anfisa can call herself “Mrs. Jorge,” or whatever. Because that insane chick actually marries the spineless man she trapped wooed from afar last night!!! As Matt and Alla take the plunge, they just hope someone has drugged creepy friend Patrick for the ceremony. And Narkyia and Nicole are left wondering what to do with the gigantic sh*tshows they’ve made of their lives.

A “Tell All” special followed last night’s season finale. Although we won’t be recapping last night’s part one reunion in this finale post, I will post a recap of part two. Because, let’s face it: There is just waaaaaaay too much crazy to talk about. We need more time to decompress, people! In the mean time, feel free to comment on any of last night’s full tilt insanity below.

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We sure are learning a lot about life and love on 90 Day Fiance. The fiances themselves, however – not so much! Doomed to march straight into the hellfire of their mangled relationships, each couple seems like a contestant on some twisted masochistic game show rather than a real live person who signed up for this mess on purpose. Surprisingly, this week saw some of the American fiances having a long-awaited light bulb moment (however dim). Those moments were short lived – however, last night’s super sized two-hour trainwreck was not!

First, when Jorge is kicked out of his apartment yet again by Anfisa (of the Kylo Ren mind control techniques), he finally ponders sending her home to Russia for good. Then, Narkyia somehow finds her voice – and her ice cream cone as a weapon! – when she hears some shady business involving Lowo, the known catfisher. Color me shocked. Finally, Nicole tries to paint a lousy picture of Azan to her family, which ultimately backfires on her when they all basically tell her she’s nutso for considering marriage to him. So, progress? Nah, not really.

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There are two things that frustrate me about 90 Day Fiance: 1) That it is not on every single night of the week, and 2) That the seasons are so flipping short! Because seriously, each couple in this series – past and present – could realistically anchor their very own reality show. It’s a virtual cornucopia of dysfunction up in here! TLC, listen up: We want more. Nay – We need more! Hire more cameramen, give the editors a raise, convince the government to increase the K1 visa from 90 to 400 days. Do what you have to do, people!

Last night, we did get a bit more from “Happily Ever After,” which ended its short season, then followed up with the couples on a “Tell All” reunion afterward. (As usual, we’ll be recapping the current season only – but feel free to comment on 90DF disasters past and present below!) As season four winds down, the fiances are facing reality in varying degrees. But somewhere on the scale of Jorge’s frightening masochism, to Narkyia’s deep delusion, Nicole has found her way to something even more hilarious: Self Righteousness. Yes, she is the tortured victim in her very tiny mind. Danielle 2.0 is following in Danielle 1.0’s footsteps quite nicely, eh?

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“You can’t fix stupid.” No, that’s not the official slogan of 90 Day Fiance (even though it should be). It’s what Anfisa tells Jorge this week when he begs her to stay in the country after she kicks him out of their apartment and packs her bags for home. But is she bluffing? At the end of her five-week trip to Morocco, Nicole also faces a crossroads with Azan. Will he come to the U.S. on a K1 visa, or will he breathe a deep sigh of relief, waving goodbye forever to Nicole and her giant bag of bullsh*t from the airport window?

Lowo and Narkyia are also trudging down their own disillusioned path, as Narkyia actually flies to Vietnam to check out Lowo’s sketchy story for herself! Chantel and Pedro face the wrath of her parents, while Matt decides to make some very bad choices at a bachelor party before his wedding to Alla. As a reminder, this is Matt’s FOURTH marriage, thus his fourth bachelor party. You know – Danielle and Mohammed aside – TLC has really outdone themselves this season with this motley crew! If these people were not literally filmed on camera for all to see, no one would believe their level of idiocy actually exists.

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90 Day Fiance might not promise true love to all of its terribly dysfunctional couples, but it sure does promise to make the rest of us feel pretty good about our lives! On last night’s episode, Anfisa tells Jorge straight up (again) that she’s here for his money, not him. Somehow, this news is shocking to Jorge. Yet not shocking to every other earthling who’s seen even ONE episode of this season.

Chantel begs forgiveness after lying to her family about Pedro for two and half months, and Nicole starts to question Azan’s “love” for her after they have yet another argument. Also, Azan needs to up his meds if he’s gonna last another week with Nicole. Especially when she tries to explain feminism to him. Yes, friends: Nicole is abroad trying to explain women’s rights to the general populace! Meanwhile, Azan is still trying to explain how being healthy and fit is a good thing, not an infringement on Nicole’s right to bare arms.

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