“People are rotten everywhere you go. They’re no good. You want to see a very bad man? Make an ordinary man successful beyond his imagination. Let’s see how good he is when he can do whatever he wants.” ‘Pachinko’ by Min Jin Lee.
And that quote defines Vanderpump Rules. Here we have just some ordinary obnoxious people, but they are successful merely for being in the right time at the right place. First we suffered through Jax Taylor‘s delusional hubris consuming the first half of the season and now we are subjected to Stassi Schroeder‘s obnoxious arrogance for the remainder of it.
In the umpteenth week of quarantine I could give less fucks than Giggy; barely dragging myself across the marble floors in my scruffy slipper feet. Everyone but Giggy is trying harder than Charli Burnett‘s pants at the strip club. Actually I like Charli. Charli is surprisingly wry and snarky. I like Danica Dow too. Danica is psycho and it’s gonna keep creeping up again and again in interesting ways. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: Danica is the new Jax. Or maybe Season 1 & 2 Kristen Doute?
While I’m Team Kristen Doute in her feud with the Witches of WeHo, I have to admit that I feel like her breakup with [Brian] Carter has been going on forever, especially since we are all privy to the drama. That’s probably why she decided to be more low key in her next romance.
Yes, she has a new man, but she hasn’t revealed his identity. Yet. I can’t wait to find out who’s following in Carter, James Kennedy, and Tom Sandoval’s footsteps. Well, minus the freeloading and adultery.
Last night on Vanderpump Rules we celebrated the re-wedding of Tom Schwartz and Katie Maloney. Although the relationship continuation of these two toxic assholes is definitely not something anyone should be celebrating, I have to acknowledge that it was the most perfect wedding this show has ever had.
TomKatastrophe 2.0 totally encapsulated the cluster-fucky spirit of what we initially loved about Vanderpump Rules: real friends, down on their luck, but somehow pulling it together and making the most of it. Of course, there were two notable absences to this momentous event: Scheana Marie and Kristen Doute.
Scheana was off getting her eggs retrieved. No, she wasn’t at Whole Foods buying a half dozen in order to chat up the hot 20 year old in the dairy department who is just like her BEST. FRIEND. She just bought him a Roomba after they made eyes when she dropped a carton of skim milk, so now they’re like totally moving from the crush stage to the instagram stories official phase. To Scheana BFF stands for Best Fuck Friend. Scheana’s problem is that her brain is 13 but her biological clock is 34.
Most of the Vanderpump Rules cast members head to Las Vegas tonight for Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz’s wedding redo. It’s not all wedding bliss though. Schwartz finds a bra in his bag and it’s not Katie’s. Is something scandalous going on? Probably not, but there’s bound to be drama anyway.
Of course, Kristen Doute is flipping out back in West Hollywood because she was excluded. Again. Even Lisa Vanderpump and Ken Todd make the trip. Naturally, Lisa also uses the trip as an opportunity to publicize the Vanderpump Cocktail Garden.
Sure, Kristen Doute has been a polarizing person on Vanderpump Rules. Who could forget her sleeping with Jax Taylor (while then-boyfriend Tom Sandoval was asleep in the next room) and denying it for a whole season? What about when she obsessively tried to break up Tom and Ariana Madix? Specifically, the Miami girl of it all. In recent years, her main hobby was attempting to “take down” James Kennedy, a fruitless pastime really.
Even with all of that in her past, it’s hard to watch Vanderpump Rules and not have at least some sympathy for Kristen. She is coming apart at the seams. First, she was excluded from Katie Maloney’s wine night that every female cast member attended. Oh, and to add insult to injury, Kristen was desperately trying to work things out with Katie and Stassi Schroeder in regard to their wine line. During last week’s episode, Kristen found out that she wasn’t invited to Katie and Tom Schwartz’s wedding redo in Las Vegas. Yeah, I’m sure listening to Kristen talk about Carter is annoying as hell, but she seems more upset about the Witches of WeHo friendship breakup than her split with Carter.
Yes, we all know that Kristen Doute isn’t the most rational person on Vanderpump Rules. Then again, who really is? Still, it’s so sad to see her excluded from cast events. Katie Maloney invited every woman with a pulse that lives in West Hollywood to girls’ wine night. Except for Kristen.
The extra salt in this wound? The night was all about drinking wine while Kristen, Katie, and Stassi Schroeder were at odds over their wine line. Katie invited Charli Burnett, who I think is hilarious, but she and Katie have zero relationship. Katie even invited Raquel Leviss, whose boyfriend she had been feuding with for years.
Oh sheesh, after serial dating everyone else on the cast to see who sticks (aka who will even pretend to put up with them), Dayna Kathan and Brett Caprioni are finally getting their moment on Vanderpump Rules.
And then there is Stassi Schroeder literally begging Beau Clark for a ring. Isn’t this a pattern for her to demand these men want to commit on her terms? Just like it’s a pattern for Scheana Marie to fake BFF every guy under 30 who she meets at SUR, writing his initials in puffy paint circled by a heart on all her most favorite sweatshirts. Doodling SM + ANYONE WHO WILL LOVE ME AND MY PRACTICALLY BARREN GERIATRIC WOMB. Anyway, where is Lala Kent to point out Stassi’s flaws? Good thing we’re here to do that instead.
Seriously Scheana may not be able to land a date, but she’s certainly able to launch the would-be careers of previously no-name SURvers. Maybe she should finally give up waitressing to go work with Beau in central casting? (Not kidding!)