Regular old Below Deck returns this week, which means swapping Hannah Ferrier‘s bitchiness for Kate Chastain‘s supreme bitchiness, but at least we can trust Kate not to date one of her yachtie interns compatriots.
This season Captain Lee Rosbach is headed to Tahiti, the less explored island territory that promises hedonism, fire dancing, and gorgeous sights. It also promises a new cast of yachties. I can’t say I’ll miss a single soul from last season. Like not for one stinking hot minute because none of them are Chef Ben or Rocky. A season without Nico Scholly‘s sleaze is a good one indeed!
So with that being said, let’s recap last season and catch up on all the drama we’ve forgotten.
Last night was the rather lackluster Below Deck reunion. It turns out, that despite the ENTIRE SEASON FOCUSING ON THIS, nobody really hates Jen Howell (except Kyle Dixon, but that just seemed silly). At least we got the satisfaction of Captain Lee Rosbach telling Nico Scholly how much he sucks. Cause he did (and does).
Nico brought the full package of his douche-holery to the WWHL reunion stage, where he feathered his bangs like a late 90’s Tom Cruise, and acted just as smarmy. Nico regrets that he was caught acting like a self-absorbed, immature, jerk on camera, which he claims was a reaction to his grief. Perhaps, but Lee isn’t buying it. He straight up calls Nico “childish” and tells him he never would have promoted him had he known what was going on behind the scenes. But then later Lee says he’d include Nico in his Fantasy Below Deck All Star A$$holes Draft picks. So which is it – do you Nico, or do you not Nico, Lee?
Last night was the season finale of Below Deck. Valor whooshed into the dock for the very last time – at least it didn’t crash! Captain Lee Rosbach sent off his motley – literally – crew into the choppy seas and looked forward to a blue horizon filled with competent people. Unless Bravo has anything to do with!
Of course the last gasps of drama were still washing up onto the beach, little bottles with messages that people stopped caring about long ago. Well, all people except Jen Howell. And one little pirate of hearts who swashbuckled his way home – I’m talking about Nico Scholly. And aren’t all my sailing metaphors just as horrific as he is?!
Let’s see: Jen has generally sucked at her job, publicly called her boss, Kate Chastain, a whore, gotten sloppy drunk once, or twice, maybe thrice, entered the book of world records for slowest latte making, was sexually harassed, but NOT sexually satisfied as she so desperately wants – instead Yachterella constantly bemoaned that she never gets taken to any balling, luckily Jen also gave herself an orgasm over dinner! She’s also thrown her chief stew under the propellor to guests, fought with Brianna Adekeye, resurrected the Jan Brady hairstyle one flowby at a time, and most recently scratched Bruno Duarte. A small part of me feels like Jen and Tom Cruise are soulmates – now that she’s officially too slut shaming for Kyle Dixon.
It’s Jen Howell‘s world and we’re all just sailing through it! Or at least that’s what the worst stewardess in Below Deck history seems to believe!
Interactions between Jen and Kate Chastain are still strained after their ‘whore – no you’re the whore’ argument from last week. Jen doesn’t care though – she’s gonna be the best stew she can be (which means the worst stew Kate has ever seen) and she has a new ally in Kyle Dixon. Or so she thinks.
On last night’s Below Deck, we lost one crew member and gained another. Well, I use the word “gain” loosely, Jen Howell and Kate Chastain needed an HR rep to review sexual harassment policies. Support each other, ladies – no slutshaming aboard the 5-star Valor! And Nico Scholly made a miraculous recovery.
Poor Nico is in his bunk, all by himself, flexing his hand while tapping on his iPhone just waiting for Brianna Adekeye to check his temperature. Instead Jen and Bri are in hula gear at 1am, faced with a mountain of dishes that gives Jen delirium and psychosis. She’s talking more gibberish than usual, and she’s pretty sure that butter knife turned into a talking seahorse. What was IN that dinner Matt Burns made? It sure wasn’t happy juice!
Legal troubles continue to haunt the cast of Below Deck, with sources reporting that season four deckhand Kyle Dixon was arrested last week for robbing a UK bar. Oh, dear. First, they gotKate Chastain – and now Kyle? There must be something in the water!
After allegedly stealing 8,000 Euro from a pub last year, Kyle was finally arrested after arriving at Gatwick Airport on a flight from L.A. last week. Kyle says he was “marched off the plane in handcuffs” upon landing, then released on bail until further investigation is completed.
Since we were royally shafted out of a Below Deck reunion this year, Bravo is throwing us a (very tiny) bone by way of a catch-up blog, highlighting what the crew has been up to since cameras stopped rolling and regrets they have from their days aboard Valor.
A few juicy details are revealed, but maddeningly, Kyle Dixon spills absolutely no beans about his shady shenanigans of late. Thus, we must continue to stalk him on social media for answers. Sigh. #TheTruthIsOutThere
Kate Chastain left the season on a low note with former friend and sometime-lover, Ben Robinson. Since then, though, she admits that she’s seen Ben from time to time – and that he’s had more than one lady friend by his side over the past months! What? Bemily is OVER? Say it ain’t so!