It’s finale time for Game of Crowns. This season we laughed, we cried, we watched Lynne try to cry without actually manufacturing human tears. We toughed it out through talk of cuchinis and butt glue. We stuck by this crazy-train of a show like a tacky matching jumpsuit. So if (well, when) the show is not renewed for another season, we can at least say we bore witness to it all. Let us now recap what may be the final moments of lukewarm fame for Vanassa Sebastian, Lynne Diamante, Shelley Carbone, Susanna Paliotta, Leha Guilmette, and Lori-Ann Marchese.
Last week left us at the Legends of the Crown pageant at Foxwoods Resort & Casino, with the final spot for the Top 5 still open. Four spots have already been filled by Shelley, Lori-Ann, and two other non-GOC cast members. Susanna, Vanassa, and Lynne wait in the wings for the announcer to say their names. But only one name can prevail! And that name is…Van-ASS-a. Yes, she wormed her way into the Top 5. Now Susanna and Lynne can go eat the loser buffet together backstage and talk about their best-friend sleepover tonight.
This week’s Game of Crowns brings us to the main event itself: “Legends of the Crown.” Legends is a pageant in which only previously-crowned beauty queens can compete. Since last week’s restraining order was issued (by Leha Guilmette to Lynne Diamante) the question now is who can compete against whom and…who’s gonna get arrested? Let’s see, shall we.
We begin at Lori-Ann Marchese’s house one day before the pageant where she’s prepping with the following mantra: tone it, tan it, strut it. Her husband is brushing bottled bronzer all over her in solidarity. She’s sick of the other ladies’ advice to “tone it down” in competitions, so this time Lori-Ann is bringing her true (orange) self to the stage. Woot woot!
In a boxing ring in RI, Leha is unleashing her pent up rage by working out with a coach. Picturing Lynne’s face each time she punches him helps Leha stay fit and pageant-ready. Leha reminds us that Lynne has messed with her for the last time and she’s hitting back now.
This episode of Game of Crowns brought us back to the pageant-prep circuit. Leha Guilmette serves Lynne Diamante with a cold hard restraining order, Vanassa Sebastian gets a clean bill of health, and Lori-Ann Marchese convinces her husband that fitness and pageants are more important than having babies right now, thankyouverymuch. While we’ve barely recovered from Lynne’s 15th wedding a-la-gargoyle, onward and upward we must go, my friends!
Susanna Paliotta and Lynne are ready to be crowned as the next Mrs. Rhode Island U.S. and Mrs. Massachusetts U.S., respectively. These are the titles they won through the mail, according to Vanassa’s intel. Susanna shows up looking like she got caught in one of those toilet-paper wedding dresses that brides-to-be get at their showers, except it’s pink, while Lynne is wearing her best crushed velour. Susanna interviews that the Mrs. United States pageants are the Princeton of pageants. I’ll just let that sink in a moment. Lynne addresses the fact that she and Susanna DID mail in a fee and an application for the titles they are about to receive, so I guess Vanassa wasn’t off the mark on this one. The ceremonial crowning takes place in a wood-paneled back room of an IHOP and the audience consists of twelve hapless sad sacks who mean mug the ladies during the entire shebang. Princeton has really gone downhill as of late.
On last night’s episode of Game of Crowns, Lynne Diamante celebrates her 15th wedding by creeping everyone out with live gargoyles, Vanassa Sebastian drags some of the ladies along to her breast cancer awareness charity walk, and Leha Guilmette decides to finally bite back at the blue-haired beast that is Lynne Diamante.
We’re back at Shelley Carbone’s house in Newport, RI, where she has just told Lynne she won’t be attending her 15th wedding vow renewal. Lynne is having a toddler meltdown while Vanassa is upstairs applying extra shellac to her face. Shelley is annoyed that Lynne is guilt-tripping her about not attending Lynne’s blessed event (which happens every year) as Lynne starts to whine and cry about her 15th wedding being a “new beginning” for her. She breaks down in some pageant tears which Vanassa describes as Oscar-worthy. Razzie-worthy, more like. Vanassa jumps on the pity party bandwagon and directs her guilt-tripping toward Lori-Ann, who promptly tells Vanassa to screw off, then walks away. I like her style.
On last night’s Game of Crowns, we take a week off from pageants to revisit some old drama: matching jumpsuits, death threats, and Lynne. And introduce some new drama: vow renewals, peace pipes, and Lynne.
We pick up backstage at the Mrs. New England States pageant where a freshly crowned Vanassa Sebastian marches off to drag her husband Brian into the fray with Susanna Paliotta’s stylist, Anthony. Reminder: Anthony sold Vanassa and Susanna the awful matching jumpsuits that caused a ruckus oh, I don’t know, a million years ago. The pageant director reminds Vanassa that she has a crown on her head, so she should STFU, but that ain’t gonna happen. Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria gets involved and Susanna is a proud mommy. Meanwhile in another corner, Nick confronts Lynne Diamante about her accusation that he threatened to kill her. Lynne promptly ignores him and slithers away. Everyone parts ways after giving up/being asked to leave by official parties.
In last night’s Game of Crowns, the ladies compete in the Ms. New England States pageant. Lynne Diamante plans her fifteenth wedding. Susanna Paliotta’s jumpsuit stylist gets caught in a hornets’ nest. And Vanassa Sebastian, like the mighty eye of Sauron, gathers her army of orcs and seeks one crown to rule them all! Bwahahahaha.
We begin 5 days before the Ms. New England States pageant, a charity event in which Lori-Ann Marchese, Leha Guilmette, Lynne, and Susanna will all compete. Susanna shops for a new gown in one of the tackiest shops I’ve ever seen. Her stylist Anthony helps her choose a dress that will “speak for her.” Susanna’s eldest daughter Victoria meets her at the shop and we learn that she survived a facial injury her senior year that resulted from a teen bullying incident. Victoria entered pageants after reconstructive surgery to rebuild her confidence. Good for her. Hope she stops competing before the world of Mrs. Pageants transform her into a steaming pile of poo like her mom and company.
In this week’s Game of Crowns, we revisit the fallout of Nick’s rampage at the Mrs. America pageant. Susanna Paliotta’s daughter shows us how to “LOL.” And there’s a lot of tea and bagels showing up. It’s sort of a snooze-fest, but it’s all in preparation for the upcoming Mrs. New England States pageant, which is right around the corner.
We begin at Shelley Carbone’s CT home where she is in the kitchen talking to her 3 kids and setting a good example for her children by…feeding them. And the dog. She reminds the kids that they need to finish up their homework so they can all head to Lynne Diamante’s tea party later.
This episode of Game of Crowns can be summed up by the following statement: Nick the cop is crazy. After last week’s TMZ report of Nick biting Vanassa Sebastian’s husband’s ear not once, but twice, during a brawl at the “non Bravo sanctioned” GOC preview party, one can only watch Nick’s antics toward the ladies in last night’s episode with a tainted lens – otherwise known as totally accurate judgment. Oh, and besides getting screamed at and threatened by Leha Guilmette’s husband (and his father!), the ladies also competed in a Mrs. America pageant. So, let’s get to it.
We’re reminded that Lori-Ann Marchese and Leha are both in Arizona competing for Mrs. America while Shelley Carbone, Vanassa, and Susanna Paliotta are flying down to bet on them like racehorses support them. We pick up outside of the airport where Vanassa and Susanna’s matchy-matchy twinkie jumpsuits caused a major blowout, with both women screaming insults at each other. The trio manages to load their luggage into the car, get to the hotel, and choose appropriately distanced bedrooms from their respective frenemies despite the drama. Once there, Susanna takes Vanassa aside to “work through their issues.” Susanna claims she feels bad for Vanassa because Vanassa is the “typical alpha male” who needs to “pee on everything to mark her territory.” Ironic coming from the woman who went to great lengths to wear the same tacky jumpsuit as Vanassa with the express purpose of starting World War Who Cares.