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Logan Noh

Vanderpump Rules

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was the prequel to the season finale, which means the bulk of the episode was spent finally FINALLY giving Scheana Marie some attention and something to do besides machine gun laughing at her own jokes. Of course Scheana wasted all this prime real estate on Marina del Rey whining about Adam Spott and going on a fake date to make him jealous which obviously backfired like a rusty pickup in a PCH traffic jam!

The other half of the episode was dedicated to Brittany Cartwright‘s family visiting from Kentucky for wedding dress shopping and giving Jax Taylor the third degree. If Jax gets out of this marriage alive he’s leaving with a rat tail, less than half of his savings, and a ripped plaid shirt wrapped around a cold beer can that he’s holding to his temple. Don’t fuck with no redneck daddies! (I’m from West Virginia so I know full well how this goes!)

Stassi Schroeder - Vaderpump Rules

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was all about redemption. In a Hollywood kinda way.

Stassi Schroeder is in peril. After years of having bad boyfriends and being able to blame, project and justify her own bad behavior as their fault for having worse behavior, she is now dating the man of her dreams and needs a bad girlfriend detox. Enter Beau Clark: someone who does everything Stassi demands of him, entertains her endlessly, cedes to her tantrums, and accepts that even when Stassi is wearing a mini skirt, she wears the pants. Basically she’s a queen dating the court jester.

But winter is coming and that winter is Stassi’s demand for unwavering sycophancy and the lashing of her evil tongue when Beau doesn’t capitulate. Last time it ended in eczema and tears, but what if someday Beau decides he can no longer take being a battered boyfriend, aka the future subject of a Lifetime Movie?

Raquel Leviss

Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was one of the most boring and utterly pointless (re: contrived) episodes we’ve seen in a long time. Clearly this season is running out of steam if the major happenings are Raquel Leviss trying – and failing – to invite people to a “Puppy Shower” for her dog, or Lala Kent having a low-grade panic attack after too many edibles drinks in Mexico.

Like really, how many times can we watch Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark have the same whiny crying fight with their puffy hung-over faces and snotty tears? UGH. How many times can we watch Katie Maloney make fun of Tom 2‘s dick. I mean, we get it – sometimes it’s invisible, other times hidden behind a mini bag of Lays Potato Chips. And honestly how many times can we watch James Kennedy grovel for acceptance and forgiveness? James let your self-esteem be like Tom 2’s peen – a grower, not a show-er.

Vanderpump Rules in Mexico

Considering that the cast of Vanderpump Rules was in Mexico, drinking their pants off (literally), it’s pretty surprising that last night’s episode was mostly mellow and drama-free.

The only drama was drunk Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark cry-whining at each other about their relationship values (aka – when, where and at what time it’s acceptable to get wasted), and Beau is so the guy who wipes his snot with the back of his hand, or the corner of his pillow, instead of using a tissue. And Stassi she is so the type who uses an actual human to wipe her snot and blow her nose on, because people are no better than Kleenex. Like Stassi said, “I never get FOMO,” because in Stassi’s world she causes the FOMO. GET THE MEMO, BEAU!

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz

Tom Tom finally opened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules and, and it was essentially the wedding between Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz that we’ve all been wanting to see on this show.

For this real wedding of his heart Tom 2 took an actual shower – not a dip in shit creek. Which is the literal metaphor for his marriage to Katie Maloney.

To the opening of TomTom Tom 1 and Tom 2 wore matching white suits with complimentary brown shoes and gloves. Their necklaces read “TomTom.” Their hearts said “TomTom.” Tom 1 planned a big surprise: he bought a vintage white and gold motorcycle with sidecar and had customized motorcycle helmets made. His helmet read “Tom Sandy” and Tom 2’s just said “My True Heart.” Of course, being a man who thinks of everything, Tom 1 also had some made for Katie and Ariana Madix. Katie’s helmet was emblazoned with “Obstacle.” OK, actually, “Bubba.”

Lala Kent & Billie Lee

So much happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules but the only things we really need to talk about are Brittany Cartwright being told by her doctor that she can’t drink on the cast trip to Mexico(!) and Lala Kent turning into James Kennedy by unleashing an unholy fury of meanness on James and Raquel Leviss (again), which finally had James seeing the light about the changes he needs to make in his own life.

I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!

Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.

Lala Kent - Vanderpump Rules

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules things get super wild at SUR when Lala Kent takes out her grief and aggression on Raquel Leviss after Lala accuses Raquel of talking about her deceased father.

This comes after James Kennedy was cruelly uninvited from the cast trip to Mexico, which was supposed to be about Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz celebrating the opening of TomTom. Then while James is at SUR DJing Billie Lee‘s boozy brunch, he and Raquel have a run-in with Lala that goes all kinds of wrong. This has Tom 1 questioning why Lisa Vanderpump isn’t pulling out her pink slips to fire the future Mrs. Randall Emmett. 

Tom Sandoval & Tom Schwartz - Vanderpump Rules

This was a crazy episode of Vanderpump Rules with no winners or losers. OK, well, obviously Katie Maloney is a loser. The biggest loser, but still she’s allowed to dictate everyone else with her negativity and bullying. Even though it doesn’t appear that anyone likes her – even her own husband. I don’t know why, but Katie brings out the rage in me!

James Kennedy is a man of two strides forward (like a mini pony, not horse); two strides back into the time-out pen because he can’t play with the other horses without nipping their flanks and kicking up manure.

TomTom is about to open and Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz decide to celebrate by taking a pre-professional people vacation. And what a long strange trip it will turn out to be! As Lisa Vanderpump said, “Sometimes trial has error.”