Comscore

Logan Noh

Katie Maloney - Vanderpump Rules

Tonight is the episode of Vanderpump Rules I have personally been waiting for ever since Stassi Schroeder started dating Patrick and Katie Maloney found Stassi’s rusty bitch crown in the dumpster behind SUR and tried to make fetch happen.

Katie is a poor imitation of Stassi in her prime, namely because Katie is mercilessly mean without provocation or wit, but tonight – TONIGHT! – our brave little warrior Tom Sandoval goes against the evil that is facing him and tells Katie exactly like it is!

Katie Maloney & Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

Last night we got a psychology lesson about how the brain works on Vanderpump Rules. For whatever reason associating with Kristen Doute, Stassi Schroeder, and Katie Maloney transforms people into the most primal version of themselves – the hideous, scaly monster insider of us all who is operating in a pure rage-mode known as The Reptilian Brain. Either this, or being on reality TV keeps one in a constant stasis of fight with Katie or flight from Katie (on a PJ?!).

The only people NOT using their reptilian brains last night were Tom 1 and … get ready for this: JAX TAYLOR. I mean Jax is literally a reptile. A dinosaur, actually; all gnashing teeth with a brain the size of a peanut despite his enormous hulk. It’s all feed me, f*ck me, leave me… But last night Jax got in touch with his, maybe, Dolphin Brain? I say dolphins because they are a conscious, considerate, evolved species who care for their loved ones.

So as Brittany Cartwright sat moaning in pain from wisdom teeth extraction, Jax made sure she had all her creature comforts: beer cheese and tequila in a baby bottle, a blanket of dogs, and access to her Instagram account. This guy – so ready for marriage and parenthood, y’all! We’ll get back to that idea lates.

And now some other relationships in this cesspool of crocodile mating we call Vanderpump Rules.

Kristen Doute & Brian Carter

Tonight Vanderpump Rules returns with more of Kristen Doutes drama. This time Kristen and Carter find themselves in a huge fight with her besties Katie Maloney and Stassi Schroeder after Carter accuses them of causing problems for him and Kristen.

Well Kristen is batshit crazy, so I’m not entirely convinced that it’s all Katie and Stassi’s fault. 

Kristen Doute Vanderpump Rules

On last night’s Vanderpump Rules we were still trapped in Solvang with Krazy Kristen Doute. Apparently once cameras turned off and we all went to bed, she was haunting the halls of their hotel, screaming JAAAAAMES, and begging for cigarettes. But it’s not about James. It’s about Carter.

Katie Maloney had to take drastic measures to escape Kristen at her worst! It was so bad she chose to spend the night in Super Summer of Single Scheana‘s, room wearing a SUR uniform which was passed to Scheana after Katie’s um, winter body appeared on the scene.

Of course, hearing about her insane drunken behavior the previous night doesn’t stop Kristen from imbibing on their trip to the vineyard, however! Oh no, bring on the Riesling. Glug, slug, slug!

Kristen Doute - Vanderpump Rules

I’ll tell you a secret: you will not find your answers in life by going to the Disney World of Yolanda Hadid’s Lyme Brain, aka Solvang (a pretend version of a Dutch village) and drinking until you fall on your ass in an unflattering romper repurposed from vintage prison uniforms. Just ask the ladies of Vanderpump Rules who tried just that!

Likewise you will not improve your life or your relationship by having a guy’s night at a hotel where you pretend you’re just picking up chicks for a single friend. That will instead make you realize you’re married to someone like Katie Maloney, who is wearing your balls as a ring on a string.

Kristen Doute

On tonight’s Vanderpump Rules the ladies are still in Solvang – the Epcot Center of wine countries – and Crazy Kristen Doute is rearing her ugly head. We like to call her ‘The Kritter’ since it’s so much more ominous but you know either nickname will suffice.

While Kristen threatens to destroy the trip, just like she ruined the most EPIC PRIVATE JET ride in history, Scheana Marie has a tantrum over her collapsed friendship with Stassi Schroeder and Katie Maloney. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure, I suppose…

Vanderpump Rules - Kristen Doute

Batten down the hatches because after a few weeks of in hiding Krazy Kristen Doute has returned in full splendor on Vanderpump Rules. Solvang? Or So Insane? Kristen wasn’t the only one Solvagning problems though – Jax Taylor and James Kennedy both went to therapy, but not together. Although they probably should.

It’s the day after the inaugural TomTom party and Lisa Vanderpump hasn’t had a hangover since 1985, aka before Tom 1 and Tom 2 were born… Oh, wait: everyone on this show is pushing 40, which makes them older than me. And they’ve definitely given LVP enough headaches to quantify as a hangover.

The Toms are overjoyed with their first event. They were ready to spread the doors wide to the public at large. Tom 2 wants a gold star on his chore chart.

Lisa reminds them that there’s no gas (or ice). James was spinning records in the utility closet sitting on 2 Costco mega-packs of Charmin Double Ply. 

Vanderpump Rules - Kristen Doute

Tonight on Vanderpump Rules Lala Kent rewards the girls for no longer calling her a whore by taking them on a private jet to Solvang Wine Country.

Of course, since this is Vanderpump Rules, aka NeverNeverLand for drunken delusionoids, Kristen Doute acts up and embarrasses everyone. Of course hinging your life’s worth on a private jet is embarrassing enough so I can’t imagine how bad Kristen must be!