Loren and Alexi

It’s the final episode of 90 Day Fiance: Happily Ever After, and I feel like I just got off a carnival ride that was left spinning a tad too long. You know the feeling – a little bit sick, a touch disoriented, but mostly just grateful to be alive! Yes, we made it to the end, people. But the couples on these reunion couches might not even make it out of their hotels, let alone to their golden anniversaries.

Last night, Anfisa and Jorge were isolated for a “private” chat with host Shaun Robinson, in which Jorge slung accusations and Anfisa ultimately walked off stage. Interesting points included Jorge looking totally stoned from beginning to end of this entire “Tell All” and Anfisa not lashing out at him with her characteristic rage. (But we haven’t seen his car/home/pet bunny as evidence yet, so truthfully, we have no idea what form her revenge will take.) Also, TLC decided to throw one more tent into this circus by showing us the rest of the dysfunctional couples’ reactions to Jorge and Anfisa while their segment rolled along. To which I say, well played, TLC. Embrace your crazy! Except, let’s get Loren and Paola muzzled next time, mmkay?

Happy Labor Day! In honor of the long weekend, 90 Day Fiance has brought us another gruesome installment of the reunion from hell for us to feast upon. Hooray! Shaun Robinson is back with the gang to talk over people call them out about their intentions, and to stop Loren from taking over as host. Because that chick came to these couches with an agenda, as last week certainly revealed. Loren isn’t quite done berating Anfisa about her gold-digging ways, however, even taking the fight backstage to browbeat Jorge. Good thing Jorge is used to being browbeaten – not to mention, actually beaten (why hasn’t anyone called Anfisa out on that sh*t yet, by the way?!)

But first, Russ needs to go find his wife, who dramatically marched off stage last week after he blabbed that she’s not getting much work as a model these days. Instead of addressing the obvious (both of their total fakery), Russ and Paola play-act backstage, rehashing the lingerie argument for the thousandth time. After they exhaust themselves with reciting their very limited lines, they are whisked backstage with the rest of the group to take five. Because (cue the Friday The 13th music) it’s time for Danielle and Mohamed to face off ALONE. Even Walmart Tom can’t save them now.

It’s hard to believe any host would sign up to sit down with the ne’er do wells of 90 Day Fiance, but Shaun Robinson is back for more! In last night’s Tell All: Part One, Shaun mediated the fights, accusations, and general delusion plaguing most of this cast. Specifically, Loren acted as mouthpiece for the masses by calling out Anfisa and Mohamed on their shadiness. But Loren’s missing a rather large piece of that dysfunctional equation – i.e., their American counterparts, Jorge and Danielle, who would both greatly benefit from securing a hardcore life coach. But if we had a cast with basic relationship skills, we wouldn’t have a show! And what a show it is.

Loren and Paola are apparently friends outside of the show, but the interesting characteristic of this reunion versus other reality TV ventures is that most of the couples don’t know each other one bit. They are in a similar position as we, the viewers, are when it comes to forming an opinion about one another. In other words, they get their info from TV. And in some cases, they NO like what they see! Also, some of the couples have scores to settle here, Jorge and Danielle being two of them. So when Anfisa and Mohamed barely drag their a$$es to the reunion on time, they give their exes plenty of extra time to stew. The stage is set for fright night, ya’ll!