What can we say about a show that has it all, like Love After Lockup? I mean, we have Dr. Phil wisdom spouting forth from the mouth of Clint. We have video footage of Tracie in prison shackles, happily showing off her new
strain of Hepatitis B prison tattoo. We have Scott spending another $30k on his ex-con, then popping in some Party City vampire teeth to clean up his look. And everyone is suddenly pregnant. Basically, this is trash TV at its absolute finest. And if you aren’t watching this show yet, I have just one question: WHY NOT? Please, I beg you…start living your best life and tune in with us.
There is so much to unpack this week, I almost don’t know where to start. Okay, I do: It’s in Scott’s mouth hole, which I have crawled ALL UP INTO on freeze frame photos on my laptop to dissect exactly WTAF is going on in there. Yes, this is what I’m spending my time on after Friday night’s shocking dentures reveal. We need answers, people. You’re welcome. #Journalism
If we thought Clint was going to come to his senses this week, then we – and the judicial systems of Texas and New Mexico – thought wrong. But, hey, we still have two more weeks of Love After Lockup to find out where Tracie is
buying her mothaf*cking crack holing up, and just how much more dignity Clint is willing lose on national TV. So, like the cat posters in our high school guidance counselor’s office suggest: Hang in there!
While Clint is being counseled on the ways of the world by a man who he’s hired to track Tracie down, Caitlin tries to school Matt on how life works. It goes something like this: You grow up, you get a job, you pay for things. Matt has no idea how to accomplish one of these tasks, let alone all three.
Hear ye, hear ye! The honorable Lizzie – ex-felon, current grifter, and six-figure businesswoman extraordinaire – will be teaching us this week about how to make $800K without ever leaving your prison cell. Or putting on a pair of underwear. Truly, Love After Lockup is all about educating the masses, incarcerated or not. And I, for one, am thankful for the inside tips.
Lizzie’s long-lost protege, Tracie, isn’t faring so well in her recent hustle, though. This week, we find out she’s in lockup again. But Clint, ever the
very slow optimist, is all “MY GODDESS, I WILL WAIT FOR YOU FOREVER!” as he sits around fretting about her whereabouts and wiping snot on his sleeve. The real victim of this clusterf**k is Mother Clint, who can’t throw a collar on her grown-ass son and keep him within electric fence ranges anymore. Instead, she tries to reason with him. Since this is Clint she’s dealing with, this task is basically Mission Freaking Impossible.
You know it’s a good Love After Lockup episode when the one proposal that happened between an ex-felon and her
victim boyfriend isn’t even the main storyline. Sure – this week, we saw Scott propose to Lizzie. But, in more important news: Michael and Megan finally meet up! And their first sexual encounter is just as crazy/gross/disturbing as we could have imagined. Speaking of crazy, Tracie is still on the loose with Clint’s money, rental car, and phone, y’all! Despite the recent Motherf**king CRACK, Mom! moment that stands between Clint and his “goddess,” our boy still holds out hope that she will return to him with minimal new STDs.
Before we dive back into Clint and Tracie’s dumpster fire, let’s catch up with Scott and Lizzie, who take us on a farm fresh field trip this week. Scott is hoping that Lizzie will agree to marry him, so he plans an extra-special proposal in the countryside, complete with a fresh pink shirt, slicked back hair, and both teeth scrubbed. #FairyTale
This week’s Love After Lockup was filled with engagement rings and
cringeworthy public spectacles weddings, but not a happily ever after moment in sight. But there was crack! Yes, CRACK. (As in: is whack.) And I think I can speak for most of us when I say, Clint WTF are you doing, you fool? Take your Clint Bucks and run back home to Mama Clint before you are literally murdered in a hotel room!!! Sigh. Methinks Clint is not long for this world.
Before we spiral into the Clint and Tracie wormhole, let’s check in with our other couples, starting with Caitlin and Matt. Caitlin is growing restless at Mama Matt’s house, watching her fresh-outta-prison fiance laze around drinking beers and wacking weeds like he’s the Prodigal Prince.
Again, we must congratulate the stalwart production team of Love After Lockup for going where no man has gone before – specifically, the inside of Clint’s head. Last night gave us more intimate/gaggy moments with ex-inmates, deranged explanations and excuses from two-timing players (looking at you, Michael!), troubling family reunions, and a three-way in the making. Hoorah!
We have a rather large garbage barge of floating debris to wade through from the last Love After Lockup episode. So, let’s get to it, starting with Scott and Lizzie. On their first official “date,” Lizzie reveals her classy side by double fisting drinks and slurping oysters. She even reminded Scott that he ain’t never gonna get any because she’s a woman of God now.
Pro tip: There is no better way to feel absolutely proud of all of your life choices – even those four batches of holiday cookies you ate last week – than to watch this season of Love After Lockup. Seriously, there’s just something wholesome and satisfying about watching some sad sacks roll up in their fresh-outta-prison duds, ready to make all new terrible decisions with a life partner on the outside who is even more unhinged than them. Yes, I am going to hell. (Wanna share a handbasket?)
Speaking of sad sacks on Love After Lockup, let’s check in with Scott and Lizzie! They’re still at the Hampton 8 chilling in separate rooms, but Lizzie thinks it’s time for a makeover. Not for her – nope! She’s perfect
in her own mind. Lizzie wants to pull a Queer Eye for the Toothless Guy on Scott. And she feels very qualified for the job since she was in cosmetology school in prison – even though she got kicked out for heroin. As one does.