Comscore

Malia White

Captain Sandy Yawn

I’m so here for this season of Below Deck Mediterranean. Sure, I always enjoy seeing the ridiculous requests from wealthy charter guests, but what I’m really living for is the love-triangle-turned-square with Malia White. I get why any guy would be into Malia. She’s adorable and has a great attitude, but damn: three different guys are into her this season.

The only man who’s not into Malia is  and thank god for that. He has a girlfriend back home and that would just make a messy situation even messier. Interestingly enough, my beloved Captain Sandy Yawn had no idea that this love square was happening until she watched the show herself.

Below Deck Mediterranean Recap - Chef Adam

There must be something in the water on Below Deck Mediterranean. If you thought the eye roll-worthy love triangle between Deckhand Malia White, Bosun Wesley Wiz Walton, and Chef Adam GropesALot Glick was over, you would be wrong. It’s just getting started and as a slimy bonus, let’s throw in Bobby Giancola for good measure. Feeling sea sick yet? Don’t worry, you will soon and it has nothing to do with the onion soup.

Speaking of, let’s check in on the Man Who Cannot Not Onion when it comes to chef-ing: Adam. He is busy throwing an onion sized hissy fit that Chief Steward Hannah Ferrier didn’t use her ESP to know that the guest ferry to the waterfalls were delayed and therefore, caused the picnic food Adam so angrily prepared to sit out and possibly spoil. You guys know what hate sex is right? I feel like Adam could make hate cooking a thing.

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Last week on Below Deck Mediterranean, we were left with a real conundrum – the Med’s most wanted deckhand Malia White couldn’t decide who she wanted to kiss more – Wesley Wiz Walton or Chef Adam GropesALot Glick. So she did what any girl who can’t decide would do and kissed both of them. Apparently, this is a big no no in Lauren Cohen’s world but really, it’s hard to take dating guidelines from the girl who went out on a group date with our favorite goon, Bobby Giancola, and hooked up with him anyway.

I mean, what year are we in here? I know the Mediterranean is full of history but I didn’t realize we set sail back in time. Who cares if Malia kissed two people? But the most annoying person on the planet crew, Lauren, refuses to let it go. She’s so desperate for everyone to like her that she throws girl code out the window and wastes no time slut shaming Malia to anyone who will listen. And the worst part is that she does it by running to tell everyone after seeing Malia with her lipstick smeared on her face. Funny how Lauren has been so upset with everyone talking about her but it’s perfectly okay for her to do the same to someone else.

lauren-malia-below-deck

Drama on deck! Tonight’s episode of Below Deck Mediterranean looks like it won’t disappoint.

The Malia/Wes/Adam triangle rages on. Lauren Cohen gets an earful after Malia overhears her gossiping to Hannah about her kissing session with one of the guys. Lauren tries to explain that she was just happy to see someone on board getting some and attempts to make light of it, but Malia is not having it.

captain-sandy

We rejoin Below Deck Mediterranean and the crew of the Sirocco in the midst of an anchor crisis. It’s been nine hours and they are still toiling away at trying to untangle their hopelessly twisted anchor. But Wesley Wiz Walton isn’t going to give up and poof! he manages to save the day (and the charter season) by setting the anchor free! Captain Sandy Yawn is thrilled and she’s not the only one. This is just one big turn on for the most eligible bachelorette on the Mediterranean: Deckhand Malia White.

Problem solving skills are sexy and Malia can’t help but swoon over Wiz coming to the boat’s rescue. That’s bad news for resident goon Bobby Giancola, who lost major points given his lack of simple math and not being able to stay calm under pressure. Of course he doesn’t know he didn’t really have a chance with Malia to begin with but that goes back to those math skills – if one sexy deckhand has two good looking crew members chasing after her and one giant ball of steroids that drunkenly yells at other women for c*ck blocking him, how many possible suitors does the sexy deckhand have left? Bobby is decidedly out of the equation.

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE!

Below Deck Mediterranean

There are so many boating metaphors we can use when it comes to Below Deck Mediterranean but I’m going to skip those for now and draw on an analogy of sorts to describe this episode: above deck on the Sirocco, everything looks perfect and pretty but just below water, trouble is lurking. I’m not just talking about the rising tension (both sexual and otherwise) between the crew, I’m also talking about the yacht itself, which is experiencing problem after problem (after problem). First, the Sirocco was drifting too close to the rocky shoreline, putting to boat in harm’s way, along with everyone on it.This episode, it’s the anchor chain that has twisted to the point of no return.

But before we tackle the anchor problem, we still have to fix the original issue in progress, which is the yacht drifting into the rocks. The wind has picked up and Captain Sandy Yawn can’t deny that they are getting closer and closer to the rocky shoreline, which makes for great scenery, but would be really bad to get too close to (which is kind of how I view Chef Adam Glick).

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE!

below-deck-mediterranean-recap (10)

Bobby Giancola sure has a lot to say about his epic display of immaturity on Below Deck Mediterranean lately! He has taken his fight to twitter to defend his honor – or lack thereof. After facing off with Hannah Ferrier on land and on sea (otherwise known as the Watch What Happens Live clubhouse and a yacht, respectively), Bobby is a wee bit irate with people not knowing “the full story.” Which would make him look less like a horse’s a$$, one presumes? Tell us more about this “full story,” Bob!

After Lauren Cohen wouldn’t come to Bobby’s defense this week in backing up his claims that Hannah “c*ck blocks” him, twitter peeps wondered why Bobby has to be so aggressively sexual with everyone in his path? Bobby fired back online, claiming, “It’s a figure of speech. I chose a poor group of words in the moment. What I meant was that she consistently tells women to back away from me.”

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE!

Below Deck Mediterranean recap

Last week’s episode of Below Deck Mediterranean showed us why a crew of young, good looking people who like to hook up with one another makes for great reality TV. We rejoin the Sirocco mid-blow up, with Chief Stew Hannah Ferrier and Deck Hand Bobby Giancola, continue to go toe-to-toe over what essentially boils down to a really bad case of blue balls for the night. That’s right, Viewers, they are drunkenly fighting over whether or not Hannah ruined Bobby’s chances of possibly hooking up with fellow Deck Hand Malia White.

Ahhh, this reminds me of the good ole days when I was young and carefree, going out and getting wasted with my friends on the Croatian coastline and then coming back to the yacht and arguing about who I get to hook up with. Oh wait, sorry, no that wasn’t me, because that isn’t a real problem or a real lifestyle that anyone can relate to so can these guys please spare me of all the dramatics? I know, I know, I sound bitter and I guess I am but I would like to move on from something so silly at this point. But alas, if we moved on, there wouldn’t be much for Bobby to throw a fit about and BOY, is he ever throwing a fit. My man Bobby really needs to get laid because he is just not letting this issue go and he’s still grumbling about it the next morning.

CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR MORE!