Mexico

Considering that the cast of Vanderpump Rules was in Mexico, drinking their pants off (literally), it’s pretty surprising that last night’s episode was mostly mellow and drama-free.

The only drama was drunk Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark cry-whining at each other about their relationship values (aka – when, where and at what time it’s acceptable to get wasted), and Beau is so the guy who wipes his snot with the back of his hand, or the corner of his pillow, instead of using a tissue. And Stassi she is so the type who uses an actual human to wipe her snot and blow her nose on, because people are no better than Kleenex. Like Stassi said, “I never get FOMO,” because in Stassi’s world she causes the FOMO. GET THE MEMO, BEAU!

Tom Tom finally opened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules and, and it was essentially the wedding between Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz that we’ve all been wanting to see on this show.

For this real wedding of his heart Tom 2 took an actual shower – not a dip in shit creek. Which is the literal metaphor for his marriage to Katie Maloney.

To the opening of TomTom Tom 1 and Tom 2 wore matching white suits with complimentary brown shoes and gloves. Their necklaces read “TomTom.” Their hearts said “TomTom.” Tom 1 planned a big surprise: he bought a vintage white and gold motorcycle with sidecar and had customized motorcycle helmets made. His helmet read “Tom Sandy” and Tom 2’s just said “My True Heart.” Of course, being a man who thinks of everything, Tom 1 also had some made for Katie and Ariana Madix. Katie’s helmet was emblazoned with “Obstacle.” OK, actually, “Bubba.”

So much happened on last night’s Vanderpump Rules but the only things we really need to talk about are Brittany Cartwright being told by her doctor that she can’t drink on the cast trip to Mexico(!) and Lala Kent turning into James Kennedy by unleashing an unholy fury of meanness on James and Raquel Leviss (again), which finally had James seeing the light about the changes he needs to make in his own life.

I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!

Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.