Okay. I’m gonna need a Lisa Rinna adult diaper because I am about to pee myself waiting for the premiere of the one – the ONLY – trainwrecky goodness of the 90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After premiere. Holy Baht-man, you guys. Based on the trailer alone, it looks to be epic.
This season is stacked with cuckoo couples and disaster drama as fresh a a Family Pedro plate of chicken feet. In homage to Mother Chantel, I think we can all agree: It’s about to get a little bit more stupider up in here. And I am totally on board with that.
90 Day Fiance Happily Ever After is back to deliver another season of wall-to-wall drama on TLC May 20th, and as Chantel’s mother says in the explosive trailer, “Things are about to get a little bit more stupider.” All I have to say is: Bring. It. On.
Six couples we’ve come to know throughout their disastrous stories in past seasons of 90 Day Fiance are back to show us
the hellish nightmare of what’s been going on since we last saw them. The roster includes: Chantel & Pedro, Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Paola & Russ, and – the hottest of ALL the messes that were ever messified – Anfisa & Jorge, and Nicole & Azan. Yes, we are in for a rare treat, folks. It’s basically the thunder dome of dysfunctional relationships, and we get a front row seat to the show.
Breaking news! 90 Day Fiancé cameras are working overtime all over the world right now to bring us some amazing new train-wrecky content, including footage of Nicole and Azan’s Moroccan wedding. There’s trouble in paradise, though. While Nicole is likely leading her daughter down the aisle on a fancy leash, internet sleuth Keith Brooks has been busy investigating the MANY other girlfriends Azan has on the hook. And – finally – one is speaking out!
The woman who speaks on Keith’s YouTube channel has decided to withhold her name and image from the broadcast as she tells her story. In the spirit of Azan’s famous compliment, let’s call her “Miss 56%” because it seems like she might have edged Nicole out in the relatively attractive department – at least according to Azan. And oh boy, you’ll want to hear the juicy tale she tells! Read on for some highlights.
Holy French fries and kiddie leashes, Baht-man! There is so much news going on the the world of 90 Day Fiance this week, it’s enough to make Danielle Mullins’ white binder explode. Rumors that Molly and Luis are divorcing were quickly followed by confirmation that Nicole is flying to Morocco to marry Azan. In the arm tattoo words of Scheana Marie: It’s All Happening. And – at least in Nicole and Azan’s case – TLC cameras are capturing it all!
No word yet on whether Azan is attracted to Nicole more than 55%. Also, no word on whether Luis is still petrified of Home Goods decorations (see: Devil owl, Satan candles, evil Buddhas). Both couples were featured on season five of 90 Day Fiance, and both couples’ relationships were giant blazing dumpster fires. Now it seems their stories are diverging in opposite directions. While one hellfire is put out, another grows even bigger.
Not gonna lie, I shed a wee tear last night after the madness of 90 Day Fiance season five drew to a close. What are we going to do with our lives until the next crop of morons is rustled up for season six?!? My husband asked me last night during the three-hour marathon if I “sometimes felt like a bad person?” for watching this train wreck. Um….NO. No I do not, sir! TLC has accomplished the impossible, has it not? It has literally made me feel better about every life choice I have ever made, and for that I am forever indebted.
As mentioned in the previous recap, I’ll only be covering the one-hour finale in short order, but oh boy – is there lots o’ drama in last night’s Tell All to snark on too! Feel free to do so in the comments section, where all snark is embraced and cherished equally. Now, on to the show. In the interest of getting to the good stuff, let’s run down the highlights of each couples’ final moments with us. We laughed, we cried, we cringed with embarrassment at the bras hanging out of people’s backless shirts. It was a journey, people.
I have a million and one holiday tasks to do, but damn if I can tear myself away from the drama of 90 Day Fiance – both on the show and on the internet – for even five consecutive minutes to slap a bow on a present. And really, who needs presents when we’ve got the supreme gift of these psychotic lovebirds in our lives for TWO STRAIGHT NIGHTS? Just to clarify, here’s what TLC is doing to us this week: Sunday night was a regular 2-hour installment of 90DF, followed by tonight’s 1-hour finale, followed immediately by 90 Day Fiance: Couples Tell All! You guys – my heart can hardly take it. I’m gonna need to dress up in one of Kentucky-David’s lady mumus and plant myself on the couch for a nice, long cookie coma after this whole mess is over.
In an effort to bring you all of this week’s highlights without having to admit myself into a psych ward, we’ll post a recap tomorrow of tonight’s finale, but not the Tell All. Of course, feel free to snark on ALL of the drama in the comments section in tomorrow’s recap. As we know, there’s no shortage of catastrophic content to discuss! But let’s get through Sunday night’s pile o’ sh*t first. And by that, I mean (in stank order): Molly & Luis, Annie & David, Nicole & Azan, Evelyn & David, Elizabeth & Andrei, and Aika & Josh.
Molly’s face last night during her fight with Luis is all of our faces every time we watch 90 Day Fiance. I’d call it a mixture of outrage and disgust, with a bitter twist of obsession – feelings I have become one with as a fan of this show. Lest you think my disgust will ever stop me from watching, I have only the following to say: NEVER!!! Ain’t. Gonna. Happen. In fact, if 90 Day Fiance were a foreign dude, I would catfish the hell out of him and marry him on a K1 Visa tomorrow. We would live in a flop house above a fire station for the rest of our days. #TrueLove
Last night, we found out that Thai-David’s kids hate him as much as everyone else does! Annie has a front row seat for the drink throwing, which is served up courtesy of David’s daughter, Ashley. Molly finally calls Luis out on his comments about her kids, but he’s more concerned with her devil-candles. Seriously. Evelyn and David continue to be totally miserable in New Hampshire as they steam-iron the beige underwear they’ll rock on their wedding night. Josh and Aika visit a fertility doctor (snore), and Elizabeth’s sisters try to make Andrei break up with her by stealing her phone at her bachelorette party. These women are not twelve years old, by the way.
Yesterday was my birthday, and I can think of no better way to cap off the day than with another two-hour episode of 90 Day Fiance, the greatest gift of all. It was a very special sort of disaster last night, as everyone let their freak flags fly just a little bit higher than usual – which for this crew is quite the feat! Briefly summarized, Annie’s David is a drunk psychopath, Molly’s Luis is an immature playboy who likes strippers, Josh still has no upper teeth acts like Aika is his property, Spanish-David is just as smug as Evelyn, and Azan needs to immediately seek government protection/asylum from his domestic abuser, Nicole. In other words, they’re all ready to head straight to the altar!
We begin at Molly’s house where Luis is looking longingly at photos of his home country while Molly calls her dad. She wonders if he’ll even come to her wedding, let alone walk her down the aisle? So far, she can’t even get a hold of him by phone to announce her official engagement. As Molly leaves another message on her father’s voicemail, Luis side eyes the situation. His father is apparently all for this blessed union! So, Luis has a total of two fans: His dad and Uncle Jess. After Luis’s antics at his bachelor party later on, that number may dwindle to one. For now, Luis just tries to convince Molly that her father doesn’t love her because he doesn’t want her to be happy. Because he’s an awesome guy, this one.