Nicole and Azan

O’ Delusion, thy name is 90 Day Fiance! This week, we travel deeper into the rabbit hole of each couples’ fantasy that their Happily Ever After awaits. Except for the fact that Thailand-David is too drunk and broke to keep his bride, Annie, interested long enough to force her on a U.S.-bound plane. Luis is sick of being Molly’s houseboy, and he’s apparently sick of pretending that he is normal. Because he could potentially be the most inappropriate cast member to EVER grace this show (and that’s saying a lot, considering who’s been foisted on us over the years).

Andrei’s visa interview gives Elizabeth the smeary-red-lipstick-sweats. Josh thinks his mail order bride Aika can actually be a model (please refer to alums Paola and Russ for actual video evidence of where this dark journey leads). Nicole and Azan fight over the $3 and half box of doughnuts they have to their names, as well as why veggies are good for you. And Evelyn and David – well, they just continue to suck on every conceivable level, don’t they? We were blessed with another two-hour episode, so my apologies ahead of time for these freaking War And Peace length recaps! (Though they probably have just as much dramatic content. Because, as we all know, this show is pure 14-karat GOLD – and not the Thai-David-layaway kind.)

The couples of 90 Day Fiance might not be able to see the enormous red flags whipping around in the tornado of their relationships, but that’s what family is for! At least, that’s what Molly’s family is for. But when her father and Olivia double-team to talk some sense into Luis and her, the 90-day lovebirds naively write off their concerns. In Evelyn and David’s case, it’s not family who interferes – it’s Evelyn’s very wise bestie, Mikayla. Instead of listening to to Mikayla’s rational questions about their rush to the alter, David shows that he’s just as awful as Evelyn when he cruelly insults Mikayla, reducing her to tears. Now I must also revoke my stance on David being kinda cool. It turns out he and Evelyn deserve each other. May their joint obnoxious, immature entitlement long-fester and destroy!

Meanwhile, Nicole introduces May to Azan’s family so they can help raise her too and Thailand-David and Annie are propositioned by David’s walking-ATM-friend, Chris – who turns out to be insanely creepy, guys! Aika also arrives on U.S. soil to raise Josh’s self esteem by at least ten bro points, and Elizabeth lands in Ireland to face the Gorgon Andrei. Whew. It was a super-sized two-hour episode last night, so let’s get to it!

I hereby revoke my previous stance of rooting for Evelyn. Because, it turns out, she is THE WORST. On this week’s 90 Day Fiance, we find out exactly what happens when an 18-year old girl is told by her family that she is super-duper special and gifted. She becomes an insufferable brat who entraps entices a foreigner into marriage with her innocent smile, then promptly begins making his life a living hell. David is finding this out within 48 hours of landing on American soil. Elsewhere, Nicole and Azan fight over how to parent May while, Thailand-David has to break it to Annie’s parents that he is basically baht-less. In Georgia, Molly has to face facts that her daughter, Olivia, is not at ALL okay with Luis moving in. Lastly, Elizabeth prepares to visit her neanderthal fiance, Andrei, in Ireland. She will, of course, need to also travel back in time (like, pre-women’s rights) in order to meet him.

In Morocco, Azan isn’t able to handle a toddler, nor his naked hatred of Nicole, his bride-to-be. When Nicole yells at him on the street about how he (rather than her, the actual parent) should pay better attention to May, Azan is once again embarrassed by her in public. Which he should be used to by now. But it’s been a few months since his last trip of torture, so maybe he’s rusty? Nicole just wants to pull the “I’m May’s mom!” card when it’s convenient, scolding Azan about giving in to her fits too much. HA! This comes from the chick who literally pushes, screams at, and blackmails people every time they don’t give into her pathetic whining.

It’s Monday morning, so you know what time it is! Time to grab that cup of coffee and relish in the fact that you are not one of the poor souls featured on 90 Day Fiance. This week, we meet Josh and Aika, who is giving me strong whiffs of Anfisa with her expectations and no-nonsense talk of Josh “providing” for her. Molly’s bartender-fiance, Luis, arrives from the Dominican Republic, much to the chagrin of Molly’s eldest daughter, Olivia. Bonus: Luis wastes no time in calling his bride-to-be “chubby.” He’s a smooth talker, this one.

Nicole and May spend their first days in Morocco with Azan. And I need TLC camera crews to have eyes on that sweet baby AT ALL TIMES! Because they are the only thing standing between her and disaster. For real. Elizabeth gets ready to travel to Ireland to meet her bad-news boyfriend, Andrei (that is, if he can tear himself away from dancing IG live sessions). Lastly, teenage bride Evelyn welcomes David to New Hampshire, deciding to scare the sh*t out of him with her terrible driving right away while her dad sits in the backseat, praying. David will be thrilled to know that he is being dropped off at a creepy pastor’s house right after this! (Note: No update on Thailand David and Annie this week. He’s probably busy scraping sidewalks for loose change to buy a half-dead ox or something…)

Is it just plain naive to think that one couple on the train wreck of 90 Day Fiance could really, truly make it? Because I want that for Evelyn and David, young lovebirds who seem smitten with one another, are (somewhat) age-appropriately matched, and who share core values. Alas, the TLC machine might chew them up and spit them out by the end of season five, but until then, let’s pretend they are the real deal, okay? We need this!

In addition to Evelyn and David being introduced this week, we revisit the absolute sh*tshow of everyone else’s relationships. Nicole holds her daughter hostage goes to Morocco to further torture Azan, the other David (in Thailand) tries in vain to come up with enough scratch to pay for his bride, Annie. And Molly continues to delude herself into thinking that her much-younger fiance, Luis, is the love of her life – despite her eldest daughter’s protestations, not to mention her father’s warnings.

We asked, we believed, and we received! TLC’s 90 Day Fiance has scrounged up another batch of betrothed couples from across the globe to show us just how dangerous the internet can be. Yes, five brand new couples and one set of familiar faces (hello Nicole and Azan!) are poised to broadcast their epic travails of love and con-artistry for our viewing pleasure. For all of you long-time 90DF fans, welcome back, friends! For those of you wondering, WTF is this show and why should I watch it? I implore you: SET YOUR DVR NOW. You’re welcome, in advance.

As a reminder, the premise of this show follows American men and women who have fallen in love with foreigners who, when they arrive in the U.S. on a K-1 “fiance” Visa, will have exactly ninety days to marry their captors partners. Joining Nicole and Azan this season are newcomers Elizabeth and Andrei, Annie and David, Aika and Josh, Molly and Luis, and finally – the number one contenders for actual love and happiness (how refreshing!) – Evelyn and David. Last night’s premiere introduced us to most of the couples, and there’s a lot to dissect – so let’s get our dumpster diving on, shall we!