Last night’s Vanderpump Rules was one of the most boring and utterly pointless (re: contrived) episodes we’ve seen in a long time. Clearly this season is running out of steam if the major happenings are Raquel Leviss trying – and failing – to invite people to a “Puppy Shower” for her dog, or Lala Kent having a low-grade panic attack after too many edibles drinks in Mexico.
Like really, how many times can we watch Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark have the same whiny crying fight with their puffy hung-over faces and snotty tears? UGH. How many times can we watch Katie Maloney make fun of Tom 2‘s dick. I mean, we get it – sometimes it’s invisible, other times hidden behind a mini bag of Lays Potato Chips. And honestly how many times can we watch James Kennedy grovel for acceptance and forgiveness? James let your self-esteem be like Tom 2’s peen – a grower, not a show-er.
The only drama was drunk Stassi Schroeder and Beau Clark cry-whining at each other about their relationship values (aka – when, where and at what time it’s acceptable to get wasted), and Beau is so the guy who wipes his snot with the back of his hand, or the corner of his pillow, instead of using a tissue. And Stassi she is so the type who uses an actual human to wipe her snot and blow her nose on, because people are no better than Kleenex. Like Stassi said, “I never get FOMO,” because in Stassi’s world she causes the FOMO. GET THE MEMO, BEAU!
For this real wedding of his heart Tom 2 took an actual shower – not a dip in shit creek. Which is the literal metaphor for his marriage to Katie Maloney.
To the opening of TomTom Tom 1 and Tom 2 wore matching white suits with complimentary brown shoes and gloves. Their necklaces read “TomTom.” Their hearts said “TomTom.” Tom 1 planned a big surprise: he bought a vintage white and gold motorcycle with sidecar and had customized motorcycle helmets made. His helmet read “Tom Sandy” and Tom 2’s just said “My True Heart.” Of course, being a man who thinks of everything, Tom 1 also had some made for Katie and Ariana Madix. Katie’s helmet was emblazoned with “Obstacle.” OK, actually, “Bubba.”
I personally think all Brittany’s sudden health problems are a psychosomatic response to realizing she’s engaged to Jax Taylor!
Other things happened, though. Like I cannot look at Beau Clark without seeing a grubby, truck stop dirtbag. His pasty, grimy pits and flabby arms hanging out of that dirty tank top as he swung around a handle of tequila Stassi Schroeder was bedazzling for Scheana Marie as a peace offering was… well all the karma Stassi has ever deserved. Beau seems sweet and very nice, but he joins the unhygienic mass of menfolk on this show who look like walking staph infections and probably need their own file at the CDC.
James Kennedy is a man of two strides forward (like a mini pony, not horse); two strides back into the time-out pen because he can’t play with the other horses without nipping their flanks and kicking up manure.
TomTom is about to open and Tom Sandoval and Tom Schwartz decide to celebrate by taking a pre-professional people vacation. And what a long strange trip it will turn out to be! As Lisa Vanderpump said, “Sometimes trial has error.”
Vicki Gunvalsonloves reminding us all that she’s “the OG of the OC.” No one can deny that. However, she also deserves another arbitrary title in Puerto Vallarta. That’s where the Real Housewives of Orange County cast member really shines- minus last season’s trip with Tamra Judge and Shannon Beador. Vicki was on her best behavior then. This was in stark contrast to Tamra who broke her foot during a drunken, naked jacuzzi session.
Let’s hope Vicki has returned to form and “whooped it up” during her most recent Puerto Vallarta visit. Then again, she was there with her siblings, their spouses, her man Steve Lodge, and Steve’s daughter Amanda. It’s safe to assume she was well-behaved then as well. However, she did share some photos from the bar. This just makes me long for the Vicki of yesteryear who danced on the bar, downed tequila shots, and peed on Tamra’s bedspread. A truly golden era.
A Vanderpump Rules cast trip is bound to be entertaining- especially when they’re in Mexico. Currently, all of the SURvers are vacationing in Vicki Gunvalon’shome away from home: Puerto Vallarta. Well, almost all of the SURvers are there.