Congratulations to the new Mr. and Mrs. Cauchi. Cauchi is Jax Taylor’s actual last name in case anyone forgot. And, yes, Jax and Brittany Cartwright tied the knot during a weekend-long extravaganza in a Kentucky castle.
Every single Vanderpump Rules cast member was a part of the wedding. Well, except for James Kennedy, Raquel Leviss, and Billie Lee, who were not invited, obviously. Other than that, Kentucky was full of Bravolebrities.
This weekend is the big day. The wedding that literally no one thinks is a good idea. That’s right, y’all, in approximately 24 hours, Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright will be marching down the aisle towards
the strategically-placed cameras wedded bliss. Prediction: Jax will sleep with at least one member of the bridal party in a bathroom at the reception. I mean, he’s already slept with most of them, what’s one more?
Corrected prediction: Jax will have a threesome with at least one member of the bridal party (my money’s on Kristen Doute, she’ll basically sleep with anyone) and a member of the catering staff during the cocktail hour. After all, if Jax will jump in the sack with a co-worker mere steps away from said co-worker’s aged and dying employer, he will pretty much do it any time, anywhere!
What happened to the Vanderpump Rules of seasons past, where the focus was on restaurant drama, hooking up, partying, and cheating? Gone are the days of Jax Taylor throwing down wearing a chunky sweater or Stassi Schroeder saying she is the devil. Now the focus has shifted to engagement parties and crop top wedding dresses. Andy Cohen, if you’re reading, maybe it’s finally time for a recast.
The latest Pump Rules couple who will be
divorcing tying the knot are Brittany Cartwright and Jax. Brittany’s dream ever since she was a little girl was to have a fairy tale wedding, y’all. I’m sure she didn’t plan on marrying the court jester, but to each their own. This fairy tale wedding also includes 800 bridesmaids coast to coast, and Brittany made it clear to Lala Kent that she couldn’t possibly make it 801.
Since Katie Maloney and Tom Schwartz’s joint bachelor/bachelorette party went so well, the Vanderpump Rules cast decided to apply the same concept in honor of Jax Taylor and Brittany Cartwright’s big day. In case you didn’t detect my sarcasm, or if you’re a new viewer, Tom and Katie’s party was a complete and total shit show.
Yes, in a fun way, but also in a cringe-worthy way, i.e. the arguments. It was rough to see Tom and Katie arguing just before they tied the knot. Who could ever forget Tom Sandoval dressed in drag yelling about how Schwartz is a “battered wife”? Let’s hope that Jax and Brittany’s joint party was not reminiscent of Tom and Katie’s trip.
Whew – we have crossed the finish line with season 7 of Vanderpump Rules and I am here to report that this reunion did not need to be 3 parts. There – recap done!
OK, kidding. I actually felt there were some illuminating moments. Like the glimpse of Katie Maloney‘s hubris. Wowee-wow-WOW. Katie literally always sees herself as the victim. She blames James Kennedy for the internet hating her but the internet rightfully hated Katie long before her antics this season! As Tom 1 never really got a chance to say courtesy of James’ interrupitis – a germ passed from Kristen Doute – Katie has been a rancid bottle of ranch dressing since season 1. Katie’s OWN putrid behavior is the reason the Twitterverse rails on her – it has nothing to do with James or her weight (or her husband’s manhood – how is that not also body shaming?). Let’s just say Katie is giving marriage, ranch dressing, the internet, and humanity a bad name. Oh, and also clothing.
The viewers can count on the Vanderpump Rules cast to take a trip to Mexico every season. Other than that, the Bravolebrities keep their travels to the United States. Or at least they do when they’re filming the show.
However, the ladies in the cast took their travel to Real Housewives levels when they visited Paris, France. Well, almost all of the Vanderpump Rules ladies. Stassi Schroeder, Brittany Cartwright, Lala Kent, and Katie Maloney all went to Paris
in Fofty’s private jet. But, where were the other ladies in the cast?
I’m having a visceral reaction to part 2 of the Vanderpump Rules reunion. It’s like Lord Of The Flies. James Kennedy is the pig they’re chasing across the island of the doomed until somebody, (probably Tom 2 if we’re being honest) winds up dismembered. Remember when this show was so fun?!
What I’ve come to realize is that these people – chiefly Katie Maloney, Jax Taylor, and Kristen Doute – live in an echo chamber of their own delusions. They can’t learn from experiences because they’ve blocked all the dissenting voices. Instead, they are deafened by the vortex of praise they offer each other. James isn’t even allowed to speak without Kristen cutting him off and screaming him down with some accusation or insult. Andy Cohen wonders why James so angry. Lisa Vanderpump decides it’s because James had a drink at lunch. Or maybe it’s as James said: so many people yelling at him constantly that he can’t breathe.
Last night was the Met Gala and also someone was thrown out of a PTA meeting at my kids’ school when things erupted into a full-on screaming match. Fittingly, it was also part 1 of Vanderpump Rules reunion – so yeah, busy night!
Also as if trying to straddle two events, like she straddles two worlds on Vanderpump Rules, Raquel Leviss‘s reunion dress was the very definition of the Met Gala theme “Camp,” boasting uber-exaggerated shoulders accented by a full duvet of ruffles. It was like a super amped up version of an Alice In Wonderland dress. I loved it. It was almost a perfect representation for the ridiculousness of this show. Raquel came to make a statement that she is here to stay.