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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

Teddi Mellencamp & Camille Grammer

Ahhhh the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills shed their glam squads and their Bentley’s for an RV to throw Lisa Vanderpump under and the simple life of campsite massages, and roasting weenies and each other!

I am so confused by this RV. First of all why does it look like sunscreen advertisement outside Spring Break destinations? Why is it so… tacky? Why is Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave the roadside version of a Goodyear Blimp (God – Ms. Calorie Coach would loooooove that comparison!)?

Lisa Vanderpump - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

I really can’t tell what’s going on with Lisa Vanderpump‘s role on Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills. Obviously they’re not going to kill her off the show before we get the kitchen reveal, right?! But it’s looking like after her most recent blowout with Dorit Kemsley this might be it? Maybe?

Last night the episode opened in two different typical Beverly Hills mornings. Mornings so disparate they might as well have been happening across the globe from each other, like a study in sending kids off to school: Denmark vs. Indonesia.

Kyle Richards wakes up at the crack of dawn to make Portia breakfast in bed, on a monogrammed tray. Except at 10-years-old Portia is still sleeping in bed with Kyle and Maurcio – kinda creepy – so Kyle actually retrieves Portia from her bed, and puts her in her own bed to serve her breakfast. Then Portia doesn’t have time to eat because Kyle spends so much time styling her hair. Kyle thinks this is all just normal good mothering. If you’re Lori Loughlin. Also in Beverly Hills (or Encino) the houses are so big the smell of coffee being made doesn’t wake everyone else up…

Seriously – did Kyle just put socks on her tween, while Portia lounged in bed and sneered at the breakfast tray? Kyle — it’s called POPTARTS, and you can even fit a bag of them in your Vanderhaul. 

Kyle Richards & Teddi Mellencamp Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night the ladies of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills celebrated Culture Club, and the CULT in cult-ture that is Lisa Vanderpump. They’re all desperately trying to leave, but they can’t escape the pink porcelain urns. Or rely on PK Kemsley to stick to the plan!

The first thing we have to discuss, though, which I really do not want to discuss, is Kyle Richards and Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave allowing Portia and Slade to be models for a ‘kids makeup line’ called “Petite & Pretty.” Which sounds like how a cougar would describe themselves on Tinder, and is being marketed to trailer parks in Alabama where people dream of turning their daughters into Honey Boo Boo

Lisa Rinna - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Last night was the weirdest, most insanely random episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills ever! This is RHOBH without a common enemy to direct all their wrath and delusions onto. I dunno — I loved it!

Dorit Kemsley shows up in a redneck tuxedo to Denise Richards‘ house to drink double vodka tonics at 2 in the afternoon and talk motherhood. (Denise had water since she had to pick her daughter up from school) Ha! Motherhood was about 2% of their conversation the rest was all Lisa Vanderpump. Denise liked Dorit immediately when she met her, and found her very warm and kind. That’s Dorit’s ruse — everyone feels that way about her. Initially.

Denise counsels Hollywood neophyte Dorit about handling close friends betraying you to the tabloids. When Denise was going through her divorce she actually used to run sting operations on confidantes by sharing something with them to see if it would wind up in the press, and that was how she knew who was a true friend. Despite LVP ruining her reputation, eviscerating her belief in friends, and making her question all of humanity, Dorit still wants their friendship back. Denise believes that – with time – Dorit can eventually forgive her.

Lisa Rinna - Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills

Every week I tune in to Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills and every week I say, “Please let there be no more Lucy stuff… Please let the dog crap be pooper scooped and done with… NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs, NoMoreDogs!” Aaaaannnd every week my hopes are dashed!

The episode opens with 24 hours later. Kyle Richards is at dinner with the rest of the girls. They are on the edge of their seats as she fills them in on being screamed at by Ken and thrown out of Villa Rosa after accusing Lisa Vanderpump of planting the tabloid story.

The women are shocked by Lisa’s reactions. Really? “That’s not friendship,” scoffs Erika Girardi, “that’s bullshit.” Does Erika have friends she doesn’t pay to stuff her into latex and other “pat the puss” endeavors? How would she even know the difference between friendship and bullshit? And to that I say, it is bullshit that Kyle barged over to her s0-called friend’s house, a day before her birthday, to accuse her of lying. BULLSHIT.

Kyle Richards

Lord this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is making me reach for the CBD oil faster than Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave can turn on a friend and spin on a bike!

It all ends badly, but we start out lovely by watching Denise Richards and Aaron Phypers open their wedding presents. I wished we could’ve seen them unwrap the tequila from Dorit Kemsleybut alas Dorit  probably ‘conveniently forgot’ the wedding gift, just like she conveniently forgets to tell her so-called close friend that she gave her dog away to a woman she kinda knows, or doesn’t know, or is an associate of PK’s or is you know, a shelter named A Very Lovely Random Woman.

Lisa Vanderpump

In preparation for tonight’s EPIC episode of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills I have been yelling “GOODBYYYYYE, KYLE!” whenever something annoying happens, and tonight we finally see Kyle Richards thrown out of Villa Rosa after accusing Lisa Vanderpump of planting stories in the tabloids about Dorit Kemsley.

Of course this being Bravo, before epic conformation some other stuff happened. Denise Richards and Aaron Phypers celebrate their newlywed status not by taking a honeymoon, but by spending some quality time at home “nesting.” Which probably means having sex like 3 times a day instead of once. Keep doing you, and Aaron, Denise! 

Denise Richards & Aaron Phypers

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills episode Denise Richards got married under the paparazzi while Lisa Vanderpump got divorced from the rest of the cast over the paparazzi. You know, just another day in LA!

Of course, this season of Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills is about a dog while having nothing to do with a dog. It’s about so much more than that, obviously, but the prevailing thing is that I can’t rally behind the unraveling of something which attempts to paint Dorit Kemsley (who’s one step away from taking her phony accent and tacky clothes to debtors prison) as the victim. She’s not, no matter how many times Dorit asks, “Mirror, Mirror on the wall: whose the most victimized of them all?” Obviously, the mirror always answers Lucy, but Dorit routinely pretends not to hear things she doesn’t understand or like.