Oh Real Housewives Of New York don’t ever change. Do I open ever recap with this sentence? But seriously Real Housewives Of New York spirals through cycles of emotions faster than a Cathy cartoon about dating and PMS, and I don’t want it any other way.
Anytime you take these ladies anywhere – even to the doctor; even to the nail salon; even to Luann de Lesseps‘ yardsale in the Hamptons, they exist in their own self-contained orbit of revolving arguments, makeups, friendships, feuds, hurt feelings, men… Like a drunken comet hurtling towards church here they come, slathered in statement necklaces and macrame, and shedding skin from laser facials, and shedding tears from all the people who have wronged them first leading them hear to a sky-high tolerance for emotional instability and pain. And hell hath no fury like a group of middle-aged women scorned, with nothing else to lose. Amen, sistas. A-MEN, but you don’t need ’em cause you have each other. (And cheesecake on the lanai, of course).
Tonight the Real Housewives Of New York continue to spin in circles at Luann de Lesseps round house in a dry county. Dry, my ass because they’re all playing a cabaret drinking game and these ladies are three sheets to the wind under the wings of the endangered wildlife flowing past Luann’s rounded windows!
Luann and Bethenny Frankel are still arguing, with Luann doubling down on her reasons for expelling Bethenny to ignore Bryn and stay out all night watching her perform cabaret in a nurses costume from Target.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of New York, the women traveled upstate – like way upstate – to have another intervention with Luann de Lesseps. This time about how her cabaret has become unmanageable and out of control.
Sonja Morgan rides to Luann’s Catskills home in the equivalent of a private jet on wheels. Basically, a camper van repurposed into a luxury hotel room. It still has more amenities than the townhouse, though, because it features a working toilet!
Tonight the Real Housewives Of New York travel to Kingston, NY to visit Luann de Lesseps‘ “round house,” you know cause round things don’t have sharp edges, but they do have CABARET STARS. Which is worse: rooming with dead fish or feathers?
I am really hoping Round & Round & Round We Go Cottage is going to become The Berkshires Round 2! At the very least I’m excited to check out the subject of Luann’s lawsuit!
Real Housewives Of New York is like being in city traffic and hearing a loud bang and not knowing where it came from and whether or not it’s a gun going off, a car backfiring, or Ramona Singer exploding in your face.
Luann de Lesseps is in full hoity-toity mode. Cabaret Star has replaced Countess as Luann’s new schtick, and she invited all the girls to a Halloween party where she’s performing. The theme is insane asylum – perfect for this group! Luann is dressed as a sexy nurse, but Bethenny Frankel comes as a slutty guardian angel, aka Luann’s savior. Was that shady or unintentional?
Luann’s performance is supposed to start at 11, but of course, the Countess is late, girls! After waiting around for 2 hours, when Luann couldn’t even come down to say hello, or invite them backstage to her dressing room, Bethenny leaves explaining that her babysitter is expecting her.
Last night the Real Housewives Of New York went to the Big Apple Circus where Sonja Morgan lifted a random baby from the lap of the mother who was sitting behind her, and held it in her own lap so the child could get a better look at the action. That baby sat there stoically and dry-eyed as the adult women around her sloshed popcorn-essenced cocktails in her face and probably assumed the wetness on their dress was because the baby pooped herself. You know this child was forever changed, and all-knowing from this experience, and someday, many moons from now will be gracing some future Bravo network as a Real Housealien Of Spaceship Villa Uranus in the year 2075.
Especially because just as randomly this baby’s honorary temporary godmother Sonja Morgan, of the Sexy J performing acrobatics troupe, passed her back to her mother, and hiked up her sequined mini dress before vaulting over the dividing wall right into the center ring to join the clowns. It’s as if Sonja was born for this moment, and never has she felt more at home. To somersault in heels, pantomime, and ad-lib, and if Luann de Lesseps doesn’t incorporate The Sexy J random circus into her cabaret halftime show (sponsored by Dale Mercer, of course) than she’s a bigger fool than even I thought possible.
Last night’s Real Housewives Of New York had it all: turtle time, flying trapezes, sexually harassing birds, meltdowns at premiere galas, breakups, brawls in the spa, makeups at the spa, ghosts of Sonja Morgan‘s past, and wrap dresses. You know, just an ordinary episode! (Seriously how is this one of the lower rated Housewives franchises?!)
Sonja is just strolling down the street with her coffee and her trendy patterned tights when a limousine window rolls down and a voice calls out from the dark, “Hey hooker…” Sonja doesn’t even flinch, she just keeps doing her Mary Tyler Moore strut with a distracted smile until the voice gets more persistent. But it’s just Bethenny Frankel! Sonja laughs because she assumed it was one if the regular people who call her a hooker during her morning coffee run! Where is Sonja getting her coffee from?
The Real Housewives Of New York never fail to disappoint! They cycle through emotions faster than teenage girls, even though they’re all, for the most part, menopausal women.
We open in the Berkshires where Sonja Morgan is having a meltdown over Dorinda Medley touching the sacred MOOOOOORGAN LETTERS, which really should be under plexiglass like the Guggenheim Bible and the first thong Sonja ever washed in her bidet. “She didn’t desecrate them!” Ramona Singer yells in an attempt to calm Sonja down, but Bethenny Frankel is the expert in psychotic breaks.
Bethenny has a lifetime of experience, after all, so she ushers Sonja out of the room, grabs her face, and performs an exorcism. I also think Bethenny must have hypnotized Sonja with one the 32 diamond rings she’s wearing, because from that moment forward Sonja became obsessed with The B. Back at the table, Sonja is ready to resume partying. Everything’s fine!