Left to her own devices without editing or intervention Vicki Gunvalson will always shoot herself in the foot, then still try to put on heels and hobble away. Last night’s segment of the Real Housewives Of Orange County reunion was the perfect example of Vicki at her most Vicki-ness. Reunion part 1 was also way better than anything we’d seen all season.
The most important part of any reunion is to dissect the outfits. First of all, Shannon Beador looks great! I don’t know if it’s the glowy spray tan indicating a break from Dr. Moon‘s holistic practices of wiping Shannon’s entire body in tan resistant mineral powders to ward of surface level UV free radicals, or the 30lb weight loss, or finally shedding her toxic friendship with Tamra Judge, but Shannon looks better than we’ve seen her in years. THIS is the divorced Shannon we were craving all season!
That was the most boring finale of Real Housewives Of Orange County like ever. I’m not kidding when I say I dozed off as Gina Kirschenigiveup was droning on about how she’s just trying to be a ‘good fweind” to Shannon Beador. I didn’t even wake up when she talked about owning boots that magically impregnate people!
Look here’s the thing: at this point trying to center a whole season around whether or not Shannon is nuts is a moot point. It’s like the most rhetorical question ever asked of the Real Housewives universe. It’s such a DUH that it’s like asking a 45-year-old if they believe in Santa. Or if wine should be included in Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County it was a reversal of the status quo. The Tres Amiga’s took their party hats off to stay home in pant hose. Gina Kirschencasita celebrated her 34th birthday with a depressing party filled with tarnished sequins.
Gina is officially moving into the casita when Matt Kirschenheiter visits their kids. This makes it, like, for real you guys. It’s time for her to grow up and, like, look at the like bank statements for the first time in her entire life. Kelly Dodd, Gina’s divorce guru, helps her cart baskets full of HomeGoods throw pillows and cheap blankets to the part-time living arrangement. It’s sort of like moving into a college dorm!
Ugh, I am tired of talking about Shannon Beador! It’s literally the only topic of conversation on Real Housewives Of Orange County and to be honest, Shannon and her histrionic meltdowns are just not that exciting after 4 seasons of watching them. The other big thing that happened was that Vicki Gunvalson altered her face again, so woohoo! At this point how does TSA even verify her identity???
This time Vicki is having her jaw lifted so she doesn’t have saggy chinskin being that she’s in denial about looking like the grandmother she is. And also because according to Gina KirschenDOstopspeaking the second you walk through the gates of Coto you sign your life away to Botox. And probably Vicki has done so much of it, she’s now immune.
When most people vacation in Jamaica their only drama is drinking too many Red Bulls and doing some embarrassing twerking in a wannabe sexy swimsuit. When the Real Housewives Of Orange County go to Jamaica they turn into psychologists dealing with Shannon Beador‘s break from reality TV. I mean, both sound delightful in their own way!
It’s the day after Shannon’s eruption and she’s nowhere to be found. Not that anyone minds – they actually don’t like hanging out with Shannon, but they do like talking about what a salty nut Shannon is. So while they’re frolicking in waterfalls and belly flopping into ankle-deep water, Shannon was sitting in her un-air conditioned villa living a perpetual hot flash.
All season I’ve been thinking Real Housewives Of Orange County was boring, or not boring per se, but just… not living up to its potential. An under-achiever, even though the abilities were there. In short, these ladies were lacking in motivation, but then came Jamaica which turned out to be RHOC’s version of The Shining. These images will haunt your dreams, which is perfect for Halloween.
I am beginning to think Kelly Dodd is right about lots of things though. And that truly is a scary place to find yourself in, but Shannon Beador needs help. Is she really calling Kelly and Tamra Judge “all hours day and night” to cry and bemoan how hard it is to make kids’ lunches while also paying the water bill? Is this really going on!? Has Dr. Moon not drained Shannon’s lymphatic sad artery and given her cupping full of good vibes? Or maybe that’s what the vodka was for? Regardless, she’s been behaving this way since her first season on this show, divorce or no, and it’s time to do some soul-searching and re-evaluating.
The Real Housewives Of Orange County are in Jamaica! Whip out the Red Stripe, culturally insensitive dreadlocks hats, and Shannon Beador‘s giant suitcase full of complaints and neurosis. Who’s excited!?
The women arrive at the airport at 4:15 am, but at approximately 6am (OK it was probably the day the before) Shannon calls Tamra Judge to complain that she’s too fat to fit into anything she owns so she’s not bringing a bathing suit or tank tops. To a tropical island. Tamra’s advice: “Stop Eating!” Shannon must’ve found something to fit – Kyle Richards Kaftan Kollection? – because a couple hours later, after being awake all night, Shannon showed up at the airport with two enormous bags. At least one of those bags was filled with a feng shui kit, essential oils, 873 types of vitamins, several different types of cleansing machines, plus all of Shannon’s 83957295798476 anxieties, animosities, and insecurities – including a framed photo of David snarfing tequila chips.
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Orange County the seeds of an impending feud were planted as newbies Gina Kirschenheiter and Emily Simpson complained that Shannon Beador doesn’t want to be their friend. And just in time for a cast trip to Jamaica. Jamaican Me Crazy, surely!
The thing is this is the type of drama that only happens in the alternate reality of reality TV. In the real world if your disparate friends don’t really like each other you’d just hang out with them separately. After all, it’s not like we’re permanently stuck in high school – or Bravoland – together and forced to interact. But in reality TV land three people who have zilch in common must pretend to be part of an established friend group who is now having problems.
The problem here is that Shannon, as she said, is 20 years older than Gina, and they just don’t have a lot in common other than knowing Tamra Judge (and probably secretly hating her) and getting divorced. Except Gina’s divorce is the Unikitty version of a split. It is sparkly blue eyeshadow that leaks tiny droplets of glitter when you cry, and it is platinum fingernails to replace your platinum ring, and it is repurposing all the expensive bikinis you bought for a couples trip by just wearing them on a girl’s trip.