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RHOD Recap

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: Naked And Afraid

Here we are in Copenhagen again on Real Housewives Of Dallas and everyone is still fighting. And they’re also naked and afraid of LeeAnne Locken blackmailing them with videos of their “sunny side up titties” surfacing in the Baltic Sea. Um, sounds … grocer than pickled herring if you ask me!

LeeAnne upset Brandi Redmond (again). Then there were two: Kameron Westcott and D’Andra Simmons. Just when I thought soon there would soon only be 1 remaining after someone went down at the hands of a switchblade stiletto, D’Andra apologizes! Say what?!

Real Housewives Of Dallas Recap: No One Can Cope In Copenhagen

Whew! The ladies of Real Housewives Of Dallas know how to bring it home, do they not?! Also, I have to say I kinda like a screechy, raw, D’Andra Simmons. Classy she is not, but that bridge has already been burned and renamed in honor of Kameron Westcott.

Also, I don’t have a pantyliner on my underwear or a weave, but I’m beyond tired of The LeeAnne Locken And D’Andra Simmons Show.

Upon arriving D’Andra is cranky because she flew coach to try and prove that she’s a grownup. #FAIL On the shuttle to the hotel the champagne is already laid out and Brandi Redmond plans to spend this entire trip passive-aggressively acting like an alcoholic to teach LeeAnne a lesson. Good plan – I’m sure it won’t backfire at all! Brandi’s goal is to get so wasted at dinner she thinks LeeAnne will call her an alcoholic to her face so Brandi can confront her about the accusation, but D’Andra ruined everything! D’Andra always ruins everything according to Kameron, who actually always ruins everything.

LeeAnne Locken

Something very strange is in the wine on Real Housewives Of Dallas. I mean other than it turning all of them into pseudo-alcoholics? But what’s with LeeAnne Locken and Kameron Westcott suddenly becoming judge and jury? I mean, Kameron has always behaved that way, but uh… LeeAnne check yourself before a K-Cup gets shoved up your leggings!

It’s baby steps down the aisle for LeeAnne and Rich and that calls for preliminary wedding gown shopping. Since Stephanie Hollman is her new friend of convenience she is invited to help LeeAnne search for a “basic and boring” wedding gown. Stephanie is perturbed to see that D’Andra Simmons isn’t there. LeeAnne claims D’Andra was “too busy” to be a friend and didn’t deem this important enough to disturb her schedule. Yes, but where was her BFF Kameron???

D'Andra Simmons is

Y’all, I love Real Housewives Of DallasAnd you know what I love even more? A Mama Dee takeover of Real Housewives Of Dallas. Smother those bitches in 6,000 calories worth of butter and ketchup, get them too stuffed to move, then berate them with a frozen smile. You know the reason Mama Dee’s face doesn’t move is because she isn’t about to let anybody see her sweat.

D’Andra Simmons is living a life of hard nights and harder mornings when she has to face the realities that her friendship with LeeAnne Locken has gone to complete shit. Even worse, despite their fight at Cary Deuber‘s laser thingy, D’Andra’s mama has organized a playdate to force them to get along. And even worse-worse, they have to cook at this thing! Needless to say with all this stress D’Andra isn’t looking so fresh and bright-eyed during her Hard Night Good Morning rebranding photoshoot.

Is D'Andra Simmons an alcoholic?

I am loving Real Housewives Of Dallas but I’m weary of this constant and perpetual game of telephone between LeeAnne Locken, Brandi Redmond, and D’Andra Simmons. Ladies – just text already, it leaves a written record.

I mean personally, I blame LeeAnne. She went on this tangent about how she was turning over a new amygdala and is gonna Start. Over. Then when Brandi, who don’t get me wrong is terrible all on her own, tried to do just that by suggesting they put everything from last season behind them, LeeAnne was like “No. Cause you hurt me.” This from the woman who decided Cary Deuber should just get over LeeAnne accusing her husband of cheating on national TV. LeeAnne, karma has come in the form of an L-22 fury wearing a deflated balloon as a shirt. D’Andra purchased it at net-a-porter and it cost all of the $200 left in her bank account. This is how mad D’Andra is – she wants you to see her coming from 10 miles away and will blow her every last cent to do so. 

LeeAnne Locken at 8o's Prom

I was all about this season of Real Housewives Of Dallas, which seemed to be moving through petty problems quickly and focusing on real friendships with light drama. Enter D’Andra Simmons’ midlife crisis and nervous breakdown coupled with LeeAnne Locken‘s 35,000th multiple personality: yuppie dharma leader who met her wealthy second husband on a zen retreat, then ditched her Birkenstocks for ballgowns and goes around Dallas selling spirituality to on the charity circuit. Now I know that’s not ACTUALLY who LeeAnne is, or even close to what she’s got going on, but in my mind when LeeAnne imagines this new so-called peacemaker persona she’s developed, this is what she’s basing it off.

Anyway, D’Andra needs to get her head out from under LeeAnne’s wedding gown (or lack thereof) and stop embarrassing herself. And LeeAnne needs to stop pretending she cares about Stephanie Hollman‘s friendship. We all see her salivating over Stephanie with a piranha grin and we know she plans to serve up Stephaphina Soup at a dinner party that Brandi Redmond is also invited to.

Basically, this whole season is now reduced to LeeAnne and D’Andra destroying each other and using Stephanie and Brandi as live ammunition. 

D'Andra Simmons

This season of Real Housewives Of Dallas has turned D’Andra Simmons into a ball of palpable vibrating ragemotions bursting open at the seems. Instead of hard night good morning, it’s become hard night bad day, and the stress of dealing with Mama Dee, plus financial strain has turned D’Andra into the type of woman who wears an ugly hat to hide her ugly intentions while sitting on a park bench accusing her best friend’s fiance of cheating. To quote Kameron Westcott in any and all situations, “Girl, what are you doing, girl?”

And what is D’Andra Simmons doing!? I mean, first of all, who would wear a fashion accessory that literally manifests your shady behavior? And what purpose does it serve to ruin LeeAnne Lockens happiness by accusing Rich of cheating (which I do not even believe)? Now I am not one to defend LeeAnne – ever – but D’Andra, that hat is the least of your problems!

Real Housewives Of Dallas - Brandi is hurt by Cary & Kameron

Every episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas is like a game of Fast and Furious – it’s action-packed, moves like a designer-dressed ninja squad (or Mean Girls the never grown up years) and by the end of the day they’re all friends and wearing monogrammed pajamas. At least no K-Cups were harmed in the making of this episode; baby kangaroos on the other hand…

Stephanie Hollman decided that after these girls smashed heavy artillery and saw what it was like to work for a living – I mean, can Jesus fix a broken nail?! – they all need a recuperating spa day. Also, she hopes to smash back down any bad feelings which popped up in their therapeutic bashing session.

I mean, nice idea, Stephanie but there’s no way Brandi Redmond is forgetting how LeeAnne Locken and Kameron Westcott called her a bad influence and warned D’Andra Simmons away from her. Besides, all that “talk” started at the rodeo with LeeAnne having a little pep talk with Kameron about the type of gal Brandi is!