RHOD Recap

On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas, the ladies smashed each other, bashed each other, and then walked on broken glass with each other’s feelings.

I don’t know what kind of therapist LeeAnne Locken is seeing, but apparently, anything to avoid actual therapy. She’s gone from massaging her amygdala and zapping it with zen, to slamming a sledgehammer into a mirror while fake crying about how she will not let anger destroy very real friendships with very fake friends.

The only misconception that got smashed real good though t’was the idea that LeeAnne is truly friends with D’Andra Simmons. Lord – these two are more wrecked than a dressing room after a debutante ball!

Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas left Beaver Creek to return to their roots: the rodeo! D’Andra Simmons celebrated her 49th birthday and some of her friends treated her like a little girl who was gonna eat too much cake and make herself sick!

Cary Deuber is still in Jackson Hole Wyoming, and Stephanie Hollman is in Italy pasta-scarfing all her feelings about Kameron Westcott away. Much better than therapy if you ask me! This means Brandi Redmond‘s left to be the one-woman fun machine. She did not disappoint, although poor old LeeAnne Locken was trying to nip at her heels.

LeeAnne loves a competition over nothing, doesn’t she? Is she in therapy for this or does she not recognize that it’s a problem? Last week she argued with D’Andra over who was queen of nothing, which resulted in sexual assault on a K-Cup; this week she’s competing with Brandi for the title of D’Andra’s BFF. LeeAnne one-upped D’Andra’s K-Cup with an audition for a Def Leopard video – except MTV stop making music videos about 300 years ago, about the time LeeAnne should’ve handled her insecurities.

Peace, love, and ice cold hearts? On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas Beaver Creek continued to offer up its many splendored dramas and arguments, but this time the only thing that got naked was D’Andra Simmons‘s foot! Kameron Westcott is OK with podiatry nudity – after all one has to get pedicures!

It’s a crisp, sunny morning in Beaver Creek and it’s as if the previous night of arguing over bashing over Brandi Redmond‘s baby Bruin never happened. At all. Freshly fallen snow has wipeth clean the slate and painted it as white as Kameron’s undead skin. Well, kinda. In actuality, everyone blames their lack of sanity on high altitude and high alcohol content.

But at least Kameron didn’t stage an insurrection to forcibly throw Stephanie Hollman from her house, leaving her to trudge to the PJ platform in nothing more than striped PJ’s like a common criminal. Although Kam’s feelings are still hurt. After all, why wasn’t she inner-circle enough to know about Brandi’s baby? Um, probably because, as D’Andra later points out, because Kam doesn’t even like Brandi or Stephanie! Kameron essentially only tolerates Stephanie because Travis is wealthy and influential. Which is probably what Kameron considers the basis of an everlasting friendship anyway…

Beautiful wilderness and a 5-star ski resort, a private plane, endless champagne, a group of tight-knit friends ready to put their problems behind them… Oh wait, WHOOPS – not that! What can go wrong when you take the Real Housewives Of Dallas to Beaver Creek? Also, this episode was sponsored by the Letter B, the color Blush, and the number 4 – for all the naughty things Kameron Westcott doesn’t do because she’s a square.

All the beaver action began at Brandi Redmond‘s top-secret baby shower for Bruin. After Stephanie Hollman misled Kameron by making her believe they were celebrating Stephanie’s surrogate, here appeared America’s favorite ginger family presenting a mystery baby. Kameron is stupefied. Like where’s the surrogate? Did she give birth upstairs during the party? Is Brandi a stork? Like why wasn’t she told? Like, why isn’t SHE the center of the BS (Brandi/Stephanie) universe?

Real Housewives Of Dallas was all over the place last night. There was new life, death, and rebirth of beaten to death dramas (and actual enormous ponytails to add to beat a dead horse analogy courtesy of LeeAnne Locken). There was also Kameron Westcott to scorn us all while wearing a ruffled pinafore reminiscent of a Victorian matron.

D’Andra Simmons is still celebrating the fact that someone not only wanted to marry her but to drag her into bed and ravage her. I suppose that other than money there’s nothing else a girl could want out of marriage, so girl – good on you! Since D’Andra is oh-so-happy, and after 4 years of marriage is an expert, she just wants LeeAnne to experience this same bliss — that is if LeeAnne can coerce Rich down the aisle without him sharting. Something he’d apparently do if it meant getting out of a wedding… Oy.

Season 3 of Real Housewives Of Dallas opened with everyone willing to make amends with LeeAnne Locken like all the crazy threats of last season didn’t happen. Unless thy name is Brandi Redmond it’s time to move forward in Dallas.

The episode begins with the most wonderful news! After trying to get pregnant and suffering a miscarriage Brandi and her husband Bryan have found the needle in the haystack: a red-headed, green-eyed baby up for adoption. Actually, Stephanie Hollman found him through her friend’s adoption agency. The details of this are fuzzy, like was this baby just sitting around? But essentially Stephanie texted Brandi asking if she wanted to adopt and Brandi’s reply was “Human?”

Bruin is in fact human. And he manages to also humanize Brandi. The second Brandi met him he grasped her finger and wouldn’t let go, and she knew it was meant to be. It does sound absolutely perfect.

Yay me – I get to recap Real Housewives Of Dallas this season and I am a huge fan. I’m a rooter for the underdogs, what can I say (I also liked Real Housewives Of Miami).

For season 3 Brandi Redmond (thankfully not talking about poop), Stephanie Hollman, Cary Deuber, LeeAnne Locken, D’Andra Simmons, and Kameron Westcott are all returning.

So before we dive into this season of carnie craziness lets recap all the highlights, lowlights, feuds, and dramas from last season.