Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas took me on an emotional journey. I don’t know who’s more manipulative LeeAnne Locken or Kameron Westcott, but at least Kameron has pretty clothes and can talk about something other than a carny childhood.
LeeAnne is certifiably exhausting and I honestly don’t even want to waste breath (words) on more of her broken-down rusty nonsense. My natural hair follicles are tired! My diva cup is tired! And like Brandi Redmond, my patience is more tired than if I had just spent the day babysitting Brooklyn.
Brandi just wants to eat a freaking dinner without having to endure a tirade of fake tears watering down the cocktails. The best thing Brandi did was totally disengaging from that shit-storm of emotional BS that is Life Of Locken. And the best thing D’Andra Simmons did was sit there, stay the course, and remind us of why we initially liked her. This is a new D’Andra. A D’Andra who recognizes herself in Kameron as the friend who was constantly LeeAnne’s emotional stomping ground, her therapy dog, always on the hook for dealing with the drama. Now D’Andra has been released from this silk purse made from a piece of pleather that was masquerading as a relationship.
You guys LeeAnne Locken is the most exhausting person I have ever encountered! I was literally so drained by her negativity and attention-seeking antics I had to lie down after last night’s episode of Real Housewives Of Dallas.
So everyone is in Thailand and addressing the L’Infinity Dress drama that will never end. Just like tales of woe from LeeAnne’s childhood, this dress and this saga have 1000 different reiterations and incarnations including that when LeeAnne was living at the carnival she was training gorillas. Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllllllll….
How come in Season 1 and 2 LeeAnne was mostly raised by her grandparents after being abandoned by her mother but now she’s wrangling elephants in an RV? Little LeeAnne … literally raised by animals to be a feral child. I think there’s a famous book about that, turned into a couple Disney movies..
Last night the Real Housewives Of Dallas headed to Thailand where no amount of Buddhism, zen, or Xanax could mellow out their animosity towards each other.
Truthfully by the exemplary behavior of Stephanie Hollman and Kameron Westcott you’d never know they were ‘surface’ friends! On the 20-something hour travel day Kameron did it up right by handing out gold face masks and Xanax. Therefore no one even remembers being transported to the Thai future on Kameron’s magic pills. I really need to see this adventure animated in technicolor interspersed with the Baby Elephant song as sung by Steve Miller, with the Real Housewives Of Dallas as cult-y back-up singers for the chorus. I imagine it like Like Indiana Jones meets Scooby Doo meets Kameron’s Amazing Technicolor Dream Pajamas.
Everyone was on this wonderland trip except for D’Andra Simmons. She got drug-defying hot flashes as penance for mocking Mama Dee‘s age. And also took a flight sans underwear. BAARF.
After eons of travel the Real Housewives Of Dallas arrive in Thailand to help Travis Hollman rescue his father. It’s like Indian Jones. Orrrrrr not!
With Kameron Westcott and Stephanie Hollman scarcely speaking you’d think they’d be barely able to survive the trip without some major issues, but after Kameron reads up on the ground rules for proper decorum in Thailand they decide to just get along to go along. Which is a good thing because D’Andra Simmons has no such plans!
Last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas was memorable for a couple of things. Like that Rodney Atkins can be rented for $75k and that Stephanie Hollman is so stinkin’ rich it’s totally affordable it to hire a country superstar to play while your friends get wasted in over-the-hill sorostitute Halloween costumes.
However, the most memorable thing that happened was learning that Mama Dee Simmons wears a wig. And not just one wig, but she has over 100 platinum blonde bullet shaped prosthetic hair caps. Are they mating? Does that make Dee’s wig room the biggest wig room on Bravo? Are some of them long-haired? Why is Dee not selling a wig collection on Christian television?
On tonight’s Real Housewives Of Dallas Travis Hollman celebrates his milestone entrance into middle age with two epic 50th birthday parties.
First Stephanie Hollman invites all their close friends and family to Medieval Times to watch Travis be crowned King of … The Over The Hill?
On last night’s Real Housewives Of Dallas LeeAnne Locken tied the knot to Rich Emberlin and treated her wedding ceremony like the sideshow act at a carnival. She then treated her wedding guests like they needed to pay for their own corndogs.
LeeAnne also insulted her own mother from the altar, because what better opportunity to say your piece to your mother when she can’t interrupt than during your own wedding vows?!
LeeAnne’s mother, Margaret, did in fact make it to the wedding. Right on time, in fact, and wearing a gold sequined dress. LeeAnne then proceeded to spend the entire ceremony and reception ignoring her. Margaret even had to beg for a photograph with her own daughter!
Last week’s Real Housewives Of Dallas ended on a cliffhanger with LeeAnne Locken crying in her wedding gown over her mother. I mean what’s a LeeAnne Locken event without drama about how her mother abaaaaaaandoned her?!
At least it wasn’t Rich Emberlin who left LeeAnne stranded at the altar although wouldn’t that have been the most exciting drama to ever grace a Real Housewives episode anywhere?! More exciting even than incarceration and secret weddings.